The Company is Nice

Its been a few months since I have posted anything here. One of the reasons is becasue Ive been so #@*%ing busy that my blogging has just taken a back seat to my four children, school and the non profit. The other reason is that I use this blog for therapeutic release and I refuse to post non sense. each time I share a post, I feel Ive shared a little peice of myself, and quite frankly..as of late, I have just felt like i havent had much of "me" to spare..until now :)
Hmmm where to start??..well Stephen and I finally legalized our adoption of our two youngest, Marcus and Juan.  Now known as Marcus Jon Marlow-Kelty and Juan Timothy Marlow-Kelty. :)
My graduate program is in full swing and I am looking at the end of the tunnel finally. Part of that is my internship at Hospice of Cincinnati.
This placement will heavily flavor what I have to say tonight..
When I share with people what I have chosen for my internship, I usually get "omg I could never do that" or " that must be so sad". I get that, but to me ,its so much more..I am rarely at a loss for words, but I find it near impossible to explain what value I place on this experience.
I cross people's path everyday, all kinds of people, with one thing in common; they have been given a terminal diagnosis. I guess, for me, its all about perspective. I think the most problematic is the mind set that we someone dies we 'lose them' . If that's the mind set I keep when I go to work, I could never do it..Id be 'losing' and grieving everyday.  I like to think of it more like I am helping someone come to terms with a fact that neither of us can change, so we make the best of it. Im not sure there are words that would adequately explain what its like to watch someone take their last breath, or to walk out of someones home knowing that I could very well be the last person they see.
Two of my clients died today. I was okay with it all day, and I still am. Im not sure why , but it feels good to know that I did what I was supposed to do.
I cried all the way home not because I was grieving the loss of those specific people necessarily, but more because it felt cleansing, like the tears were washing away all the residue left from the work it took to stay a little disconnected. "Disconnected" is not the right word, but it's the closest one I have. When I can think of a better word I will use it..
I'll tell ya what tho..something else that this has made me realize is that I have no REAL PROBLEMS. Not after what I see each day, my problems are luxury ones..every single one of 'em and I thank the universe everyday for that. I make my hugs last a few seconds longer than I used to, and try to get angry a little less.
I will write more in a couple of days about whats going on with Noahs Arc and other lighter stuff, I just really felt the need to process this a little so I can lay it down and walk away from it for the night.
Thank you for spending a little time in my head; the company is nice.;)

I love gathering my thoughts, throwing them at a computer screen and seeing what sticks; like spaghetti. Bloggin was something that I got into earlier this year and shortly thereafter life has gotten so damn busy that I haven't had the emotional energy.
Our non profit is really dragging in terms of revenue. We are in a crux at the moment with not really being able to buy the land we need and really needing the land to move forward and do what we want to do...so we are hurrying up and waiting.
I am in the last year of grad school and O M G is it dragging! ugh..I really need to find a job in th eworst way, but every job I apply for , I am either under qualified for because I don't quite have my masters degree yet or I am over qualified for..either way I get looked over and it is doing quite a number on my self esteem, i don't mind saying.
The starnge part is, I have a pretty cool life, I spend my days bottle feeding orphaned wildlife, taking care of our foxes, raccoons, skunks, dogs, vet visits, vaccinations, illnesses/ and somewhere in all of that  I also manage to work on my summer course on child grief for my masters program, throw in the cooking and cleaning and laundry that I do for four kids..and well , yes, I am pretty much spent. I am also planning and organizing fundraiser whenever I can. As I write this, we have a yard sale going on out front, next weekend, we have a drag show/benefit for our  our non profit, Noahs Arc and Spet 11th and 12th a fundraiser with Bob Evans restaurant. Anyone who come in with one of our flyers; 15% of their bill goes to us...what else? Oh yeah, at the end of this mont we are going to gay pride in Toledo. Last pride we did, in Columbus, we made over a thousand bucks. It averages out to about two major events a month..which is plenty.
September marks the beginning of my last year of school as well as the beginning of my last internship which will be at the Hospice of Dayton, Im really looking forward to that...last time I was there, I was walking down the hallway..peering into the rooms as I made my way down the hall. The people with worry worn faces, searching for an explanation, waiting for solace, finality. It was all so humbling..so important; I cant wait to be a part of helping others find some answers, some hope in those hopeless and answer less moments.
I am aware that I do "big"  things, and it may appear that I do too much. All I can say is that for all the work that I do ..it is equivalent to how much I feel..sometimes things I cant attach words to; actions and feelings that have no words, and feeling and expressing is all I can do. So, I get up everyday and I feel, I work, and I do what I can do, till I'm too tired and it fills me up, then I go to bed and do it l over again, each time chipping away at a big stone that will someday bear an impressive epitaph.

I think I can We think we can We know we will

It seems that my blogging, as much as I love it is the one thing that has become the hardest to keep up with. lol.
So much happens under my roof that, to the outsider it may make ones head spin..and sometimes my own, but only when I over think it. Things work so much more smoothly when I go with my gut and do what feels right.
My life is not always full of instant gratification. Its stressful, its chaotic and more times than not, I fail; by someones standards or another. Unfortunately, I tend to focus on what Im not doing right, what's not working and what needs fixing, feeding, reprimanded or mending.
Tonight my brother came by and expressed how proud he was of me and how impressed he was with what we're doing with the boys, the non profit and everything.
As I heard the words, it was like an ice cold drink of water on a dry parched day. I didnt know how to thank him for that, I still dont. but I appreciated it more than he'll ever know.
 For those of you who I have not yet informed, we have found a farm for Noahs Arc.!!! I want to SO badly, but its  A LOT of money. We are pulling out all the stops we can think of for fundraisers, grant writing, and donations. We have even contacted some celebrities to ask their support.  If you can think of ANYTHING you can do to help in your own communities for our cause , we're not too proud lol.:)
 We also rented a booth at gay pride in Columbus next week. This has the potential to be huge. Columbus pride is attended by thousands of people. We are taking a couple of the baby raccoons and a baby red fox with us, and a HUGE tub full of ice to give bottles of water to anyone who makes a donation:) We're not licensed to "sell" anything as a non profit, but offering water on a hot day in exchange for a donation is just plain smart LOL
I keep telling  myself, all we have to do is get 100 thousand people to give us ONE dollar each, and that would get us into the farm...which I just realized , I havnt told you about yet :)
So..Its 30 acres, 12 acres of that is a lake!!!, 10 acres behind that is a dense forest, the rest are open fields. The lakes  are naturally spring fed, and the house was built in 1888, and is twice as large as where we live now. Do I have to go on, or are you trying to think how you can help yet?? lol
(we have a paypal link on our website :) www.noahsarcsanctuary.org
We are busy with animal shows, and of course this farm thing..
and as I said, tonight I was reminded of how far we've come, and how now is not the time to panic, just keep pluggin along and believing in what we're doing

Its been a while. Have you missed me? lol

Hello people of the page! ;)
It has been a while since ive written. The good news is because there has been so much happening with Noahs Arc that I , literally, have not had a free minute between all that has been happening and four kids lol
Noahs Arc had its first two shows today with our 3 raccoons, two foxes and peacock. ...and it was AWESOME! The kids were sooo receptive. It was really a big deal for me to educate children on the importance of animals, the eco system and wildlife conservation. The teacher as well as the principal were so supportive; so much so that they have offered to do a fundraiser for us AND he said over the summer we could use their auditorium anytime we wanted for other shows!!
AND we submitted our first grant with Lexis Nexis. We also have a show in june, by then we will have our skunk, it'll be a great show:)
Im REALLY trying to find a way to do this full time..once i finish my degree I dont intend on working for anyone else but myself in the future. It wont happen overnight, but Man! things are happening so fast..its just surreal. Thank you..thank you to everybody that believed in me..it means the world.

Easy come, hard go

I have always been of the mind set that people who are in our lives are there for a reason. Nothing is random. Some are with us our entire lives, some a few years, others less than that.
I believe once we have learned/experienced what we were supposed to have, and the need for that person in our lives is gone..they will be too. The exit itself may be in the form of a death, a conflict or some other event that brings on the actual departure or separation.
I think the hard part is, as social creatures, we have a REAL hard time with being left on our journey. When there is conflict, we blame, we justify and we argue and we express our pain about that conflict and those who have wronged us. Perhaps they were "supposed" to have wronged us, otherwise we wouldnt let them go..when in fact it was time to do so...Wouldnt it be easier to take a step back and consider the possibility that whatever is happening could be because their "job" in our lives  (or ours in theirs) is complete?
I know, much easier said than done, and if anyone does NOT have a handle on how to do this it is me! LOL..especially in the moment. It's only later when I get those "ah ha" moments that I can see the value in the departure, let go of my resentment, and wish them well, *even if the sentiment isnt returned*...it doesnt matter.
In the past 6 months or so, I have seen people leave my life, through death, personality conflict, situational conflict, and sometimes even just a matter of drifting apart.. yes it hurts and yes it can lend itself to resentment, but I have to believe that things are happening the way they should.
Most of you know that we are no longer on our path to surrogacy, and while that was hard, maybe we went on that very brief journey because we needed some hope, we needed to consider the possibilities, I dont know. I dont understand it now, and thats Okay.
Ive always been fascinated by interpersonal dynamics, which is a bit ironic because sometimes, I wish I conducted myself with a bit more confidence, conviction and setting of boundaries.  (particularly the latter)In my heart I know what is right for me and what is not, its just a matter of learning how to apply that more efficiently I guess.
I have NEVER been the kind of person who has had, or has ever felt comfortable with the idea of having,  large circles of friends. The sheer idea of trying to understand and navigate that many personalities is maddening to me! lol
Managing a couple friendships..close friendships is MORE than enough for me. I keep hearing myself say that I , in general, dont really like people, I prefer animals because they make more sense to me. This is true.
Its nothing short of ironic that  I am a social worker lol I sometimes think Im in this profession because I think "okay, look, if I have to deal and relate to other humans then im gong to  have to devote a lifetime to understanding them" LOL
People make things *way* too complicated and chaotic when there is little need for either.
At the moment I guess Im feeling a little raw at some recent departures..as much as I see the picture, or at least try to , I cant help to fantasize about getting our farm, and not being able to visibly see a neighbor. Focusing on my children, what we all, as a family, bring into one another's lives and how ot better understand that, and let the people outside, be right where they are, outside.

Dark

When it gets dark, it gets dark.
Some people have said that I am talented, a good Dad, and many other wonderful things. I do have a dark side..I get wickedly depressed.
Been *really* struggling the past couple of weeks.  I can usually do what I need to do to keep me going till I feel better.
Its hard, and in retrospect I usually look back and see that I had plenty of positive motivation right under my nose...Im sure Ill look back on this in a few weeks and see the same here..but for now, ..it is what it is.
It gets so dark that that I can't see...so dark that I don't want to. It's nothing that happened per se, I just look around and see all the little things that need improving, fixing, or changed in some way and they  seem to stick out like sore thumbs screaming at me that I have failed by someone or another's standards.
I know how i feel is predominantly chemical but it seems that when this comes on there are always things in my environment that exacerbate it.  Here are a few..
My 4 year old Juan is a little dare devil who gets scrapes, cuts and bumps on a daily basis sometimes. A few months ago he was in the hospital twice in two consecutive months getting stitches from just being a tough clumpsy kid. I explained to the school and the caseworker what happened, on both occasions, and all understood and it was a non issue...since that time I have made a few enemies at their school ( I tend to do that , most parents who hold educators to high standards at this school district, do , actually)..anyway, long story, short, Juan got a black eye from wrestling with Esequiel and the school decidedes to report it to children's services. The caseworker knows me well and knows the children well so it was dropped as soon as it began, and f course I was told that I shouldnt personalize it..lol, how can I not??
When i confront the school, of course it is a "surprise" to them and magically no one knows who called and no one knows anything about it. (which pissed me ff more than anything)
Because Juan is technically still in fostercare, I have all kinds of people to answer to, its a pain in the ass.
Our surrogacy has been put off for about a year, it might happen them or maybe not at all. Its a hard thing to take a step back from after all the emotions were right on the surface..but we dont have a choice. Circumstance in Rhea's life dictate that it cant happen right now.
Then there are the teens..
Eddie is usually a source of contention for me, I often struggle with his disability as it typically lends itself to quite a bit of childish, defiant acting out behavior, even though he's nearly 17..Im not sure he will ever really be 17 no matter what I do or not. Sometimes it feels like the more I try with Eddie, the worse he gets so I usually end up backing off feeling like Ive failed before I even start.
With Esequiel, I really got feedback, appreciation, and tangible results of hard parenting..which is also why he decides to not be mature and actually act his age and be a defiant teenager, it cuts to the bone.
I expect more from him..because he's capable of it.
Unfortunately this also means that he has the ability to crush my heart with his disrespect when those evil aliens from the planet called Puberty, temporarily steal his brain.
When Im struggling with my own depression, all these things just get amplified and sound like they are all screaming in my ear,  ..so loud that I cant hear anything else

Items needed

We are a new wild animal rescue non profit called Noah's Arc Inc. We are licensed to take in small mammals and are in need of items such as:
various sizes cages,
baby blankets,
heating pads,
stethoscopes,
syringes,
nipples,
containers for mixing formula
measuring spoons nets
If you have any of these items and have no need for them PLEASE consider recycling them with our organization so that we may do our part in preserving the wildlife in Ohio!
Spring is upon us and its also the season when young animals are orphaned and desperately need us!

What was the best part of YOUR day?

So often , around the dinner table, Id ask my teenagers, "How was your day" or "How was school" ..and of course to these closed ended questions, i got one word answers like "fine" boring" or Nuthin" ..lol Ooooook, so then i tried my open ended questions, trying to solicit some conversation from these beings that just a few years ago would talk my ear off. Of course now that there are teenagers, I sometimes get the feeling that Im just not "hip" enough to possibly understand their feelings because they have no idea that I , too, have experienced teen aged angst once upon a time :)
Now, dont get me wrong, the aliens havent totally taken over their brains. Its just once in a while that they turn into these young men I dont know lol. Most of the time they are very commnicative..for the most part.
So then, I tried open ended questions like , "Tell me about your day" and that got me answers like. "It was fine" . "It was boring" LOL...
Then i thought of a movie I once saw with Michelle Pfiefer and Harrison Ford. I forget the name of it, but basically it was about this dysfunctional marriage..they fought A LOT ..kind of depressing actually. BUT there was ONE scene that has stuck with me for years that i do with my own family to this day:
So after a long day, a long fight, or no matter how awful they had been to one another..the family would sit around the dinner table, and the father (Harrison Ford) would ask each of then two questions:
1.What was the best part of your day?
2. What was the worst part of your day?
The "fine"'s and the "boring"'s turned into articulated opinions and thoughts expressed with passion and purpose.
Each family member can answer however they like, say whatever they want. It may sound simple and maybe even cheesy that i had to get something so simple sounding from a movie, but it has been AMAZING the thoughts, feelings and opinions I have gotten out of my children; the little ones as well as the teenagers. and its gotten to the point where my older kids will ask me, "Dad, what was the best part of YOUR day?..sometimes without my even soliciting it...it has become something THEY want and see value in...not just me.
More times than not, when asked what the best part of my day has been I will typically say, "this..right now" because there is nothing more intimate..more real than getting the chance to crawl inside their heads for a moment, inside their hearts, and see that there is a place where we can all find one another again, after the bullies at school, after the commutes to work, after all the things they are sure I could never understand, we can find one another again and be reminded that WE ARE A FAMILY, no matter what anyone else says or believes.

Decissions, decissions.

Home from the first day of class after a week off from spring break. I only have 4 classes left plus my field placement which I'll be doing at the hospice of Dayton. Annoying that these 4 classes are spread out of three frigging quarters..lol, but at least Im half way finished:)
Im learning a lot, and I really cant wait to get started with the mean & Potatoes" of the work, so to speak.
My only hesitation is my field placement. There is a chance that instead of hospice, I could be placed at a hospital in the AOD until, which deals with all the deaths in the in hospital, counseling families and providing crisis intervention. My hesitation is that in Hospice, I get a chance to deal with the person who is dying..to help them let go, make peace in addition to helping familes find some as well. In the hospital, I would deal with the families exclusively and from time to time also deal with unexpected death, whereas Hospice is pretty much inevitable.
Grief/Loss has always been a passion of mine, in particular how the dying deal with death and how children deal with death...Im just not sure which placement I should take..
On a lighter note:
Tomorrow I'm going to Columbus zoo with Esequiels class  field trip. He's less than thrilled tat I volenteered to be a chaperone, lol, but Im sure we'll have fun :)
Thats all for now..Im tired
Nighty Night People of the Page
xox
D

A matter of time

So we inseminated on Monday. It is not Saturday night. I am many things. Patient is NOT one of them lol.
Yesterday Rhea calls me and says that someone at her school who is a self proclaimed tarrot card reader (or psychic, I forget which lol) ..anyway this person told her that not only was she , in fact, pregnant but that she was carrying two girls AND a boy LOL..she's been having anxiety since..bless her heart lol
(not that the mere idea hasnt produced some levels of anxiety in me as well, because it has lol)
He told her that the first ultra sound would reveal only one fetus, but there would be three. I dont typicaly put a lot of faith in this sort of thing though it does intrigue me. 
The next day (today) he tells her that the "feeling" of her being pregnant is even more clear and told her to be sure an take her prenatal vitamins and drink her ensure...again, I'm not saying that I necessarily believe it, but it would be "just" my luck to plan for just "that one last child" and end up having THREE more..Id just Shit!! LOL
Then I told her, "um..did I mention that my Dad is a twin?"...lol I did fail to mention that , lol, It just never occurred to me as something important.
So now, we wait, watch for symptoms like nausea, sore boobs, ect. and pray for that positive pregnancy test.  She says that with her last 5 pregnancies, she has *always* known she was pregnant before she actually got a positive test. She's gonna do the first test Monday which is really early. If she is pregnant with one child, it is possible for it to still read negative since it is still pretty early. With multiple births, the mother's body produces even more hormones , which would results in an early positive test, so if we do actually happen to get a positive test Monday we are ALL gonna be on pins and needles for a while LOL.
I don't want to jinx it but I do have a feeling that she is pregnant..time will tell:)

Insemination

I was driving the boys to school yesterday morning about 7:30am, and was getting ready to drive to work shortly thereafter.
Walking the boys to their classrooms, I get a text from Rhea saying "Lets make a baby"! The long and short of it is that she ovulated early so we had to make arrangements for the kids, stephen had to drive an hour and a half *back* from work were he had just arrived and hop in the car and make a 9 hour drive to inseminate lol
about an hour from the house I realized that I was really nervous!! LOL. Im not sure about what. ,,it wasnt about having a baby, it wasnt about "performing"..I guess it was just the "mechanical aspect of it all that was a little nerve wracking, so I suppose it was a little about the performance part of it.
When I wet to the hospuatl about a month ago to get my sperm count done, it was a little weird , handing my "sample" to this lady who could have been my mother, behind that desk, but handing my "sample" ( i hate that word lol) to my freiend..with her kids and our kids running around in the next room..well thats just weird LOL..but all went very well and now we wait :)
We brought the toddlers and left the older kids at home for two days ( they are teenagers; they'll be fine )..Marcus kept asking where we were going. The answer I could give him was: "Going to see our friend Rhea ..it'll be like a really big field trip:)"
We had never met her 5 boys before..ALL under the age of 9! lol. THAT was a hoot! Our kids had SO much fun playing and playing and playing...lol They all crashed around midnight..and even then the giggles, trips to the bathroom and talking and taddling  continued for quite sometimes as the residual energy slowly left their little bodies; allowing them to get the sleep they were fighting with every fiber of their beings LOL
This morning (the day after) we inseminated again, just for good measure lol, and we will start the fun fun fun process of waiting! (*insert sarcastic icon here*) Coming from someone who is actually trying to conceive, it seems bizarre to me that thousands of teenagers accomplish this every year with some Bud lite in the back seat of a car, while others try so hard by planning and calculating! lol
Please do a little fertility dance for us :) and keep us in your thoughts.
There is no one on earth who could love a child more than this one will be loved
xo
Donny

One of the most important lessons

I have an old friend that I was in the Navy with years ago. he lives in Hawaii and is my age and has 2 little girls and a wife.
He has been fighting Leukemia for a while now. He recently received a bone marrow transplant. During the process, his immune system was weakened, he developed pneumonia and ultimately, the cancer came back.
As of yesterday Dr.'s have given up and planned to take him off life support. As the nurses were repositioning his body to begin the process, he held his hand up telling them to stop.
His wife has been posting on facebook, and that was her last post yesterday, so thats all I know but it as of this moment.
It got me to thinking...
The idea of Sean dying felt like a punch in the gut. Being the same age and all just made it scary. Sean is still hanging on , and regardless of how this ends I admire his strength more than he will ever know.
I was thinking last night , about how Sean always had this infectious smile and laugh. I t was unmistakable:)..so as I sat there thinking about it, the tears came and came. My sons asked what was wrong, so I explained it to them. Esequiel struggled trying to figure out a way to make my pain go away. I explained that "offering condolences" to those we love is not about making their pain go away, but rather acknowledging their pain, and offering support BECAUSE of that pain..nothing takes it away, we just all huddle together, emotional, sometimes physically, till it hurts a little less, and less and less. Somedays it hurts more, and when those days come, we get a little closer than we were yesterday.

Then today , I saw on facebook that a friend that I went to high school with lost her Dad. I am going to be going the viewing tomorrow to support my friend.
Ive decided to take my son with me. He's never been to anything like this. Some people want to protect their children from death and the rituals we have of death. but what a horrible thing to do!..
Death is one of the things that we ALL deal with at some point, and I dont want Esequiel to have the first funeral he goes to be someone he really loves. because he didnt have any kind of healthy family life before us, he missed out on important social things..common rituals, like weddings and funerals.
The loss of someone we love can be so traumatic..so painful. The fear of seeing a body in a casket, for example, can be really scary.
Part of my focus in my graduate studies is child therapy and more specifically, childhood grief. I believe strongly that children should be included in conversations about death rather than being ushered out of the room when things get too real. Children can be very confused when adults use phrases like " passed away" or "gone to see Jesus". Children are very literal in their thinking, and as parents, I think, we have a desire to protect them. I also think, by doing so , we can deny our children some very important life lessons.
Talk to your children about death when the dog or goldfish die. Let them have funerals for their pets and most of all, allow them to cry and feel sad about the loss..yes, even the boys.
We can include conversations about our faith, whatever that may be, but it shouldn't over shadow or cancel out the mechanics of what is happening either.
Talk to your kids about death. It may not be the most pleasant thing to do , but there's no more important lesson we can teach them

In the air

Well, we are days away from insemination and Im thinking the best thing I can do right now for my own sanity is just put it out of my head lol. I am the kind of person who has the tendency to obsess over things I have no control over, sooooo lol All we are waiting for now is for Rhea's ovulation calculations to tell us what day (s) are going to be optimal. about a week and a half from now, roughly.
Luckily I have LOTS to distract me! lol As you all know , we recent;y received our non profit status for Noahs Arc inc. So the wild animal permits that we most recent;y applied for (we have to apply annually) are not under my name, but under the name of the organization. This past saturday we received our permit for the year which includes our new baby raccoon, our new baby fox and the baby skunk :)
Our permits allow us to have the animals, show then for educational purposes as well as breeding for the same reasons.
This past weekend was SO nice. We put up a wrought iron fence up around the pond and too the ducks from their winter enclosure and placed them in the pond again. OMG they were SO happy that one of the drakes (thats a male duck) started breeding with one of the females within minutes of having gotten into the water lol.
So, lots of "baby making" in the air :)
Hope this post finds you all well , and I truly appreciate your interest in my life, more than you know. At this tare, before too long we will be getting ready to buy some more land and gearing up for grant writing and bugging rich people for donations LOL..know any? lol
Donny

Looking at the stars

Today we got the message we've been waiting on for the first step. Conception is in 14 days!!!!! I have a really good feeling about it! :)
Its all so overwhelming. I took a little cat nap today and had my first dream about her..about our little beautiful girl..omg she was amazing. So little and so very vulnerable....looking to me for her every need. The idea takes my breath away. Its amazing to me that this miracle can be so ordinary to so many people..this life changing thing that I feel so humbled and honored to be a part of. I dont know what I did to deserve this opportunity but oh my god thank you..from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Whatever or whomever is out there in the universe smiling on my family...
I dont know how to say this without sounding totally hokie and cheesy..lol..but the love that I feel, for this child, for Rhea, for this opportunity, is so big that it brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I know that something is out there bigger than me. Im not talking about a "God" necessarily, I like to think that our souls get recycled, that we keep coming back to learn things we didnt learn in the life pior, and as I think about that, I see how honored I am as a parent, to actually be the one who cares for this child as she enters this world..again. How honored I am to be chosen to care for this soul and be there as she learns what she's meant to learn.  There's simply nothing more honorable than that, and the words that I know, do not begin to even come close to describing how much I appreciate being one of the Dad's to this child as she gets ready to walk this earth and be a part of something truly miraculous.
And then there is Rhea. again, I lack the words to express my gratitude, our gratitude. Even if we had millions of dollars to offer you, it still wouldn't be enough to compare to what you are giving us.
Rhea was actually dating someone that Stephen had known for years..since high school, when this all came about. Their relationship didn't work out for several reasons, but when I think about how our path was meant to cross hers and how the universe kept him in the picture just long enough for her to bond with us, to allow this opportunity to develop....I think it all happens for a reason. Im not bad mouthing William *at all*..but I do think that it is amazing to see how when he had fulfilled his purpose in this scenario, he bowed out ..for his own reasons, but it really is cosmic how things work if we just take a step back and pay attention..pay really close attention. Its not about us as individuals..its so so much bigger than that. I think its great to have self confidence but i also think that so many of us get caught up in our own egos that we become a bit self absorbed, so much so , that it becomes easy to lose sight of what is happening around us...that its so much bigger than that.
Its like looking up at the stars on a clear summer night and peeking at a tiny corner of the universe..makes you feel so small and humble.
Thats how i feel about this; like Im looking up at the stars as the universe chooses who is coming into our lives 9 months from now..who its meant to be.
Life is AMAZING and all we have to do is be the best kind of person we can be, be grateful and give back in any way we can.... I am and I do .
Thanks for stoping in, see ya soon :)
xox
Donny

Noah

One of the hardest things about wanting something and planning for it is the waiting for it. I know what I want..exactly what I want...and if I knew that I will have to wait X amount of time for XY and Z to happen, thatd be cool lol, but as we all know, thats not how life works :)
We have been planning this farm/animal sanctuary for a while now and a lot of it has been in the planning and talking stages. There has been much accomplished; we have a non profit status. We are now Noahs Arc Inc. :)  we've applied for an educational permit which will allow us to take our animals into schools and give talks about the importance of preserving Ohio wildlife and the role these animals plays in our ecosystem.
As of now, we have a female red fox named Roseanne,and  a female grey raccoon named Smokey. We have a male cinnamon raccoon and a male red fox coming in May and a skunk in June. All the animals are about 8 weeks old when we get them, some require bottle feeding. They come from an exotic animal breeder in Indiana. The all come from 20 generations or more of animals bred in captivity and have very docile characteristics. As tame as they are..they are, by instinct, still wild animals in many ways. I really respect that , and in doing so, one of the things Ive committed myslef to is that if im going to do this animal sanctuary based on conservation, i provide ALL my animals with environments as much like they would have in the wild, as necessary.
Because I can handle them in a way that animals actually from the wild couldn't be handled, it really gives me a great opportunity to provide some quality education.
We have a couple permits we have applied for, a class we're taking that will allow us to rehab orphaned wildlife, and of course the educational permit.
The last thing we have to get is our 501C3 status which will allow us to be tax exempt....AND THEN... we can start actively applying fro grants and seeking donations and fundraising, which we are hoping will all lead to the purchase of a nice peice of property for our horses and the whole..Arc! lol (you're seeing the theme here right? :))
I am also 6 classes away from finishing my masters degree in social work. I am planning on using our horses for therapy for traumatized children. I'll have my license to do family and child therapy and I cant think of ANYTHING Id rather do than spend my life helping the two most vulnerable groups around..children and animals. They have so much in common. They both are seriously affected by careless choices adults make, they both have a level of trust that once violated, can be almost impossible to duplicate, and they both can teach us a mich better way to look at the world..through their eyes, if we just stop long enough to look..
thanks for reading
Donny

Being Positive

Today I stopped and thought about aaaaall the time I have spent thinking " I can't.. or  "I wish I could", or "Thats will never happen to me because..."
I wonder what happen if those sentences started out:
I can..
I will...
When this happens to me, I will....
I have recently been struggling to embrace this idea that every thought, every action, is well within our control,  that we have full control over what kinds of future we have...what kind we *create*
Is it so hard to believe that maybe just being positive, thinking positively, and believing, really believing that our thoughts directly affect what our lives look like? 
Go ahead. I dare you. Imagine yourslef being happy
Imagine yourself achieving your goals..not the ones that you "should" want , but the things that you really want.  The ones that you fear deep down are unachievable. Do it.
I think about all the things I have accomplished ..the things that I am proud of.  I did a lot of those things when people around me thought I couldn't/shouldn't. ..but I did exactly what I said I would, and Im just now learning how to get that mind set back. So, go ahead, BELIEVE YOU WILL ACHIEVE YOUR GOALS........I DO.

Cabin Fever

Im over due for a post, Ive been told, lol. Yes it is true:)
I love to write and am flattered by those who take an interest in my journey with all its twists and turns.
There are many thing Id like to change in my life.
Spring is right around the corner and I think with the two toddlers and two teens we are all getting on each others nerves a bit :)
With cabin fever setting in, I am imagining what yard work I want to do first! :) I LOVE yard work, planing flowers spending some quality time with our pet fox and raccoon, its the best!
Winter is really hard for me because it stifles all the way I nurture myself. So by the time spring rolls around, Im ready to ride my horse, walk the dogs and spend my entire pay check at LOWES lol..yep, thats summer for me!
For now, whats really kept me sane is a new found passion for art :) Ive always loved drawing and sketching but Ive recently  developed a thing for mosaics! Im working on a peacock that is going to F'in ROCK! lol

Stephen and I are gearing up for our Pennsylvania trip in a few weeks to make a baby :) that still hasnt quite sunk in..such a bizarre thing to wrap my mind around. I feel like the universe is really smiling on me.
In the past few days I have had the most unexpected people cross my path. A gay man I met via facebook who also adopted as a single Dad, a girl I went to high school with, who never really had very kind words for me..lol, contact me and explain that she had grown up, was glad to have found me and admired what I had done with my life.
..and then I have been chatting with Rhea. My god..the things I have to be grateful for!!  (For my new readers, Rhea is our surrogate and we are starting insemination mid march.)
So, so what if a bunch of my family cant see past their own dysfunction to be present in my life! Look at the great things I have right under my nose!
I have a partner who'd do anything in the world for me, kids who are thrilled when I read Green eggs and Ham, and two teenagers who may not always like to admit it , but who deep down think Im pretty cool :) lol
Now, lets bring on some warm weather so I can shed a few winter pounds! :)

Alice in wonderland, hospice, babies and peacocks

I work as a substitute teacher while Im in grad school. I LOVE it, but its hard to budget money when I dont know how much I'll be working. Anyway..friday I taught at Esequiel's school.
Im walking to my classroom in the morning and I hear this adult voice, "Mr. Marlow! Mr. Marlow!!"
I turn around to see what the hell the urgency was..lol..it was Mr. Harmon, the music teacher. Seems that they are putting on a musical in may of Alice in Wonderland and he had heard that I have some artistic tendencies..lol and he asked if I would draw a forest for the back drops for the enchanted forests. I love stuff like that, so this morning (sunday) along with a few other volemteers for a couple other jobs he needed, we went to the school, and I sketched out some huge trees and huge mushrooms and flowers :0 Good times! Its look really cool :) Plus the school is really old (My dad went there when we was in the 3rd grade) so it has that really "old school smell" and a HUGE old old old auditorium with those old wooden fold down seats. ( You can't tell me there aren't ghosts in that place lol)
I cant wait to see what the kids do with the production :)

Then I came home and cranked out most of my paper Im doing on the Dayton Hospice. Its a 15 page paper (though its lookin like this one's gonna be closer to 20) but its very comprehensive. Its a really awesome organization. I went there on saturday just to get some brocheures and talk to someone to get some info. *Really*  beautiful place!! complete with two huge ponds in the back with ducks and swans and large open spaces, and they provide really unique awesome services. GREAT organization! If you have ANY money at all earmarked for charities in your budget, please consider donating to your local hospice.
I'll be starting an intership there this coming fall..REALLY looking forward to that. It will be hard, Im sure. ...but I can't think of a more honorable thing I could be doing that to spend those last moments with someone and ease their anxiety, or the anxiety of their family.

Saturday, I attended my 2nd mosaic art lesson! OMG its only 2 hours a week, but I SO wish I could find time in my life for this once the class is over! lol.
I got a lot done on my project. Its a peacock made of mosaic..and it's turning out soooo amazing. I cant wait to complete it. Stained glass is my next venture, that looks like so much fun!
A friend of mine lives in Truth or Consequences New Mexico, which I hear has  HUGE art community. I would love to visit there someday:) I figure any town that is actually named after a game show HAS to be interesting to say the least :) lol

OHHH..I almost forgot! We came a tiny step closer to our surrogacy journey today! We got medical insurance for Rhea, Which was part of the agreement and will save us a bundle doing it this way. She has really good coverage and insemination is the next step :) We are all really excited! She is one of those people who loves being pregnant, so thats good! LOL
She asked me last week how I felt about her doing some pain management for the birth (epidural).
My response: Oh Honey!! There is NO reason this day and age for someone to white knuckle it through something like that..YES! Please! I wouldnt have it any other way!"
Her response: THANKS! LOL
LOL, so yea, we're on the same page with that lol
just a fair warning..when she actually gets pregnant, I'll be blogging about it A LOT!! lol, I can't wait!

ok ok , so back my hospice paper..lol Gotta finish it :)
xox

Old note

(For those of you who follow me on facebook, you may recognize this note from there. I posted it a few months back, but as Ive started this blog,I want to make this a completion of some of my better stuff :)

Driving down I-75 North after class tonight. I was singing with the radio..nothing major..just enjoying the song and I notice this car full of girls pull up next to me and they were laughing their asses off!!! I was like, "Pft..whatever, Im just singin..." I dismissed it.
About 5 miles up the road I was mortified to have realized that they were probably laughing at me because I had been so into Vogue-ing ..that without even thinking about it , I had been steering with my knees so I could Vogue ....lol..smh...Bald white guy in his 40's in an SUV vogue-ing on a tuesday night..priceless :)

All I need...

I have talked about, eluded to and processed about how I have conflict with some people in my family. I had another major confrontation with my sister today. It is maddening when someone who is supposed to know you, proves that they not only do not know you at all but has no desire to ever really "know" you. I was going to blog about that tonight, but thats ALL im going to say about it.
I recently saw a documentary called "The Secret" ..gave me chills. Basically in a nut shell, it was about how everything we do say and think shape our lives. If we dwell on negativity and focus on all the things we dont have..the universe gives all that back to us, to deal with over and over. If we want something in our lives, we thank the universe for it as if we already have it. Okay, so yes, I am aware that it sounds a little hokey...but think about it like this:
Our entire society is structured about FIGHTING things. We fight hunger, AIDS, homelessness,  cancer, war..ect. So even if we go to an anti war rally, we are in fact, still putting the idea of war out to the universe. Instead of attending an anti war event, attend a pro peace event. The shift might seem subtle, but if you think about it, its huge. Think about all the things yu could take different approaches on. If you havent seen the movie OMG please go FIND IT!
There are two things that Im doing, one is i went and found a gratitude rock. A small rock that , as soon as I saw it, caught my eye. It was beside my brothers headstone. I carry it to remind me to be grateful for all I have and all that I WILL have.
The other is a visual board. I found images of things that I am striving for and I put a collage together, so its in a place in my home where I SEE it every morning, reminding me of what I'm getting out of bed for each day. It helps more that I knew..its SO so easy, even tempting, to get caught up in whats wrong..whats unjust, as a gay man, I have a plethora of things I could go postal on..lol..but why? Is that really the example I want to be for my children? Is that really how I want to feel ..everyday, angry, and bitter? NO..Im convinced , now more than ever, that thats how so many people get and stay sick with cancer and other illnesses..by polluting our bodies and our minds..its all connected and pretending that they are all seperate entities, is just wrong. It doesnt make sense.
Rhea, our surrogate, is the person who turned me on to this movie, stephen got it for me for valentines day.
So Id like to say here and now that I am SO gratefull for my boys, for Rhea, for facebook friends like Mickey Losey, whom Ive never met, sent me a HUGE box with ALL the equipment Ill need for my darkroom, I want to have soon. I just mentioned it to her in passing , and she just happend to have ALL the equipment in her attic and wated to get rid of it before she moved, so she sent it to me ..at no cost ,and asked nothing for it, just that someone use it..someone who i havent even met.
My son, Esequiel, told me the other day ..(he's also making a visual board) "Dad, you know what Im grateful for? Im grateful you adopted me. It may not be a perfect family, but at least I have one now" When he says things like that, how in the world can I focus on whats not right with my extended family..he deserves NOTHING less than to be told that he is loved more than words can say, that he is the smartest, most adorable child, and that I am so honored to be his Dad. Anything else is secondary.
Then there is Rhea, tonight she was saying that she was wondering how we would feel  about getting together once a month after she gets pregnant, so we can experience  all that we can, so we can feel the baby move, talk to him/her so he/she hears our voices, and be a part of the ENTIRE process. She said she doesnt want us to miss out on anything. ..and she was wondering if we would be WILLING to get together once a month for this! Of course my response was : Rhea, just when I think you couldnt be anymore sweet or generous, you go and say something like this.
My Dr. called today that my sperm count is really good, so everything looks really good for insemination in May!  Theres a good chance we could get pregnant first time!!

I am SO VERY  blessed. I have beautiful wonderful people in my life. Granted , they are not the ones I expected, and its easy to get caught up in that, but why??
All I have to do is look around and see that I have all I need right here, anything else is just icing on the cake
Thank you..all of you
xoxo

Tingle and trickle

Woke up in a funk. Dont know why, just one of those irrational mornings when nothings really wrong but nothings quite right either. A few weeks ago I realized that I really needed an outlet for myslef..something that was just MINE. Not Stephen's, not the kids, just mine. Creativity is usually my poison of choice so thats where I started looking. I found an art class downtown for mosaics. I signed up and my first class was this morning.
Before leaving the house i was a little bitter that I was in such a funk because I wanted to walk into the class with a clean , fresh mental pallet.
As soon as I got there and started sketching some ideas for my project, my funkiness melted away, and the creativity started to tingle in my fingertips and trickle through my veins.
It was kinda like waking up after a loooooong over due sleep when you open your eyes and see all the possibilities in front of you.
My fantasy is when we buy the farm, to have a small barn in the back of the property that we use for a family art gallery. Both my older sons are very talented sketch artists as well as mosaic and stained glass. Id love to be able to go there and crank some music up and just have a totally creative space to wash away the funk so I can see from my eyes again.  To me, art is like a shower for the soul. It just makes me feel fresh and rejuvenated.
The class is for 6 weeks I think, two hours a week. Im taking on quite a large project..lol. Im hoping I didnt bite off more that I can chew:)
Ill post a pic when Im done :)
Thanks for Reading
Donny

Focus

I have talked in great detail about somethings that bother me about my family. One of teh main reasons I decided to do this blog is so I would have a spce to process my feelings. One the things I didnt take into a great deal of consideration, however, was how my words affect certain people.
Today, someone who I love very much pointed out to me that while my struggles in my nuclear family are valid, I also have some pretty great people in my corner.
Its funny that this call when it did, because I just got the DVD yesterday for VD that I have been dying to see. Its called "The Secret" and its all about visualizing what you want your life to be like.
I have a bad habit of really focusing on what I dont have, especially if I feel it is unjust and just plain wrong. As an openly gay man, I have been ready to take the world by the balls and teach my kids that they should *always* stand up for themselves. I still think thats important, but I also think that I need to spend a little bit more time giving props to those great people who have been supportive to me and my family. So..if i havent mentioned the supportive people in my life in previous emails, its not because I dont know they care, I just get caught up things that are blatantly wrong.
I do have a new goal though, to really do a personal inventory..the man in the mirror so to speak :)
xox
Thanks, you know who you are

Them there are feudin words!

I was so excited to learn an interesting note about my ancestry this weekend. I have had a second person confirm that my great grandmother was a lesbian.
apparently, my graet grandpa Jake Hatfield and his wife Amanda lived in a little house with their 5 kids.  Grandma Amanda supposedly was a very plain woman who never wore make-up or cared how she looked ..until...
She began hanging around this new woman in town. They would go all kinds of places together, and then grandma Amanda began to wear make up and dresses and she eventually told Jake that she was leaving with her new partner.
Divorce really didn't happen in those days (early 1920's) and Grandpa Jake really didnt have the money to raise all this kids on his own, so he built a house..*next door* so that Amanda and her partner could live next door and they ALL helped raise the kids.
Now being in Tennessee, I am SURE that they were the talk of the town, but what a diplomatic way to handle a difficult unorthodox situation , plus, I think its pretty cool that I can trace homosexuality back in my family, proving that its NOT a random choice.
Oh also an interesting note, Jake Hatfield was a direct descendant of the Hatfield family,, of the famous Hatfield and McCoys Feud. :)

They come in 3's

Omg what an exhausting weekend. So my plan was to study this weekend..I had intended to just bury my nose in the books and Stephen had agreed to take on all the little monkeys for the weekend, so it all seemed I had a green light to just focused on ME. Until.....lol

I went to feed the chickens and noticed one of them was limping, actually only walking on one foot. I thought Id take a closer look, so I brought her inside and put her in a dog kennel  so I could keep an eye on her in the house. So I'l pause here for a sec for all of you that are saying,
"Your keeping a chicken in the house??!! Gross!" and to those people I will say this:
Have you met me?! LOL..Seriously though, had I left her out there with the other chickens she runs the chance of being beaten up even killed if she shows weakness. Ever heard the expression "pecking order"? Its orogin refers to chickens.
So We have her in the house, watching her trying to see of we can nurse her back to health.
THATS ONE

Saturday early afternoon, my cousin had came by with her two boys and so it was a bit like romper-room:) and of course after a while of playing ..we hear:
little foot pattering on the hardwood floor
followed by giggles
followed by a loud THUD
followed by screams
Juan comes running into the kitchen with his little hand grasped over his forehead, blood pouring out from between his four year old fingers. 
We rushed off to childrens hospital.
As they held him down, they started sewing him up and he starts screaming and it just about broke my heart...ugh
The other part is that Juan has had two other head  injuries in Oct last year and Dec. which resulted in 10 stitches. All three of these things were really normal kid stuff expect for the fact that Juan has a pre existing condition. He has had brain bleeds in the past due to the fact that his skull is a little bigger than his brain, so when he takes a tumble or is too rough, it has been known to bleed. All of this is because his birth mother used a lot of cocaine and alcohol while pregnant with him. So, as you can imagine, whenever he so much as bumps his head, my heart stops for a second.
The good news is that it looks as though he is growing into his head, and Dr's say he is well on his way to growing out of this condition..for now, however..it's hard, until he's "out of the woods"
He received 16 stitches this time.

THATS TWOmeanwhile back in the E.R..
My cell rang. Stephen was helping hold Juan down so I left the room to answer it.
It was our friend Patti, who is also the person who keeps our horses at her farm.
She said that our thoroughbred mare, Stella, was laying down in her stall and not eating. I called the Vet to meet us out there  at the farm. We left right from the hospital
So it turns out Stella had colic, and was a little dehydrated. So she's gonna be just fine. I was freaked out though, because I didnt know what was wrong with her. The Vet gave her two injections, and took this loooong clear tube, stuck it up her nose, and down her esophagus and pumped a bucket of water into her stomach. She said sometimes horses dont drink enough when its cold out, so..no real serious harm done..just a little unexpected dent in my checkbook for that after hours vet visit.
THATS MAKES THREE...lol 

Everyone is going to be ok (though the jury is still out on Hennrietta the chicken)..this summer we are looking forward to riding Stella, and also saddle training our new Icelandic horse, Gretchen. ..and , *keeping fingers crossed* Juan having had experienced his last head injury.
Its strange..ALL our kids have had a shitty start in life, and both horses were also rescued.
They have a lot in comon in that way.
Stella was a race horse. She had been run so hard and for so long; mainly because she made a *great deal* of money for her owners, but when she got too old for that , she was put out to pasture to be a brood mare. By the time we found her, her feet had grown over and her horse shoes were way too small and she was so thin you could see her ribs. Se is much better now. She's filled out, and her feet and healed. Its so nice to see her just be able to be a horse :)
Gretchen was owned by a woman who had advanced MS.  She had recently been convinced to move here from Michigan by a man she met online, who put her in deep debt then left her. She had to move from her home, and she left the horse behind.
Gretchen was left here with no other animals and no people. The Realtor was feeding her. Shes only 4 years old and just needed some TLC...I think we all did.
xo
Donny

Noahs Arc

Thank you all for reading my posts:) Its so much fun, and therapeutic for me to be able to do this. I just wanted to drop you all a line and remind you to check out our non profit animal sanctuary blog. The link is on here.
Stephen is working very hard to make it visualy stimulating, interactive and informative.
One day we will have our farm and things will grow even more ..for now we are focusing on using our animals for education at the local schools. We have a new baby fox a baby raccoon and baby skunk coming in the spring.
Gotta get our bottles and nipples ready :)
Stay tuned for some "Awwwwe"  photos :)
Thanks
xoxo
D

Big ones and Small ones

Nothing is more vast, more encompassing or more intriguing to me.
I also believe that it gives you what you're supposed to have: your faith, your opportunities, your destiny. I also believe we have the power to fuck it up beyond recognition LOL
I love the idea of positive affirmations and positive thoughts to help crate self actualization and goals.
I have been saying for a while now that, I get too caught up in the "details' and responsibilities of my daily life to have time for such things, but no more.
I have big goals and small goals, and for today, just for today, I will  get some studying done, and clean the house, so i can think clearly about what i am going accomplish this evening. I WILL do this.
What WILL you do?

Navigation

Its been a challenging day. I don't normally write more than one post a day. My god, who has that kind of time? lol, but you guys are such a wonderful therapeutic support for me..lol..so here we are again.
I say it was a hard day, but not in its entirety. The good parts were, Juan and Marcus are really thriving in their new pre-school. The staff are very supportive of the boys' struggles /needs and they are also very supportive of us as a same sex family, which is always nice.
The toddlers are thriving and growing so much.
Marcus will be old enough for kindergarten next school year. We have had some concerns though. Due to his unfair start in life, (his birthmother drinking, and snorting coke throughout the entire pregnancy) he has a hard time telling the difference between letters and numbers. It takes him longer to learn a concept. He's smart..very smart, he just learns differently and it takes him a bit more and unfortunately he has to work twice as hard as he should have to.
So, given all of that, Stephen and I hired a private tutor for him. Our older son has shown *amazing* advances academically with his private tutor, so we are having him for Marcus as well. Today was the first session. Marcus finished, comes running out of the room and says: "Dad!! Im great!!" LOL Smiling from ear to ear as if he were telling me something I didnt already know in my heart. I knew it as soon as I saw him when we first met. He's just now figuring it out.

So here's the hard part of the day:
Marus & Juan:  They are toddlers, developmentally I dont expect them to be able to always say "Dad I feel... or I think...." They are not there yet, so I watch for their behavior, to tell me how they are feeling..thats fine.
Esequiel: You will ALWAYS know how this kid feels/thinks! lol
I relate to Esequiel A LOT in this way.
The first school day of this current year he approaches his homeroom teacher after class and says:
"Excuse me, Hi, um..Im not trying to be mean or anything, but this morning I was thinking that your voice was like nails on a chalboard!! Its just SO LOUD!..but I like you, youre nice. Im Esequiel."
LOL...and he walks away.
The teacher was actually impressed with his honesty, the fact that he did it one on one and not in front of the whole class so it wasnt disruptive, luckily she also has a great sense of humor :)

Eddie: You could give Eddie 5 million dollars and you may or may not ..ever..know what he really thinks or feels. Eddie has Asbergers syndrome.  he is 16 biologically, Developmentally, he's probably about 7 or 8 years behind emotionally, somedays more , somedays less.
He LOVES cartoons. Would eat cookies all day if Id let him. He also wants to be a car mechanic. He has very little impulse control and socially, he is great with toddlers, grade school kids, but kids his own age, he has nothing in common with and tends to be scared of them. He really can be a great help in many ways, as long as I dont expect him to be 16. Thats hard for me because the level of work he is able to do surpasses how old he is. He can do math that I will never or have ever been able to even imagine. he's a brilliant reader, hes amazing mechanically, so many days, its really easy for me to get lost in the fantasy that he can be 16 in other ways.
He has about as much desire to drive a car as I do to go to the gynecologist. LOL..and of course Esequiel is like,
"Dude! are you crazy!?! I cant wait to get my license!!!!!" ...but Esequiel is very much age appropriate..even more mature for his age..lol (you can see my situation here, right? lol)
If I need Eddie to do something, academically with his school work or just around the house, and if he really doesnt want to , he won't.  He never makes alot of fuss about it, theres never alot of drama from him, he just shuts down.
In moments of conflict or discussions I ve asked him "What are you thinking right now?!"  or "What are you feeling" and I'll get "I dont know" or "Nothing, really" when nothing in the universes tells me this is possible. Its also been suggested that Eddie qualifies for a diagnosis of Oppositional defiant disorder. He's not the kind of kid that makes a lot of noise about it, like I said, its all very passive, sometimes passive aggressive.
If i didnt "give him a hard time" (how he puts it) I would never have any trouble out of Eddie. It's when I expect things where we butt heads. Some of those things he's really easy to negotiate with, things like, making ihs bed, doing his laundry, chores..ect..daily hygiene ect..but the big stuff..the stuff that is going to shape his future like academic habits for college, being able to follow simple direction/ answer a simple question or be accountable or responsible...he digs his heels in the mud and wont budge. It drives me nuts because i can see him creating a very limiting future for himself. It saddens me. I see his potential in so many other things that so often it REALLY looks like, he is CHOOSING to make poor choices. Te things he chooses to do and the things he chooses not to, do not line up. Its almost impossible to find a pattern. We navigate the best we can.
Somedays I get lost in his fog. I try to frantically make the fog go away..to reason with it, negotiate with it. and of course you know how that ends. Im using reasoning and logic with fog...and it just sits there.
Sometimes the fog lifts and I see this sparkle in his eye! and Im thinking.."YESSSSSSSSSS! THATS IT!!" and for no apparent reason..and often without warning..the fog comes back and he wants to watch cartoons again...sigh.
My gut tells me to let him be Eddie and not who *I* want or need him to be, but sometimes I just want so much for him ..and it's frustrating.
Everyday we navigate new shores. Sometimes the seas are rough, sometimes a creepy calm lol..but we all get through:) I love him and I know he loves me, so I guess its ok if I dont hear it. I know it. I am giving him opportunities that I know he would have never had..Im not sure what that counts for if he doesn't take advantage of them.lol, but Im doing what I can :)
Thank you all for reading :)
xo
Donny

Time to make the doughnuts

I am SO not  a morning person LOL. Yes , Ive started with that:)
(..LOL and here some proof of that..I just told my 4 year old:
:" Stop eating and talk!"....LOL of course I meant the opposite)
I tell ya , its nice that all four kids are getting ready for school at the same time now. Its been a lot more convenient since i found ll day pre school for the toddlers; makes my life a little easier. What's become quite obvious is that we need to finish the second bathroom in the basement ASAP. We have most of th ework done, plumbing and such, just need to put up the walls and tiles on the floor. It was so bad when the kids were staggered in the morning, but now I have toddlers waiting to brush teeth because certain teenagers I know are taking too long in the bathroom...lol, yes it is interesting :) Not to mention the fact that with six guys in the house, that ONE bathroom starts smelling like a high school locker room REAL quick lol
On top of all this  the quarter is ending at school soon, I have one paper due next week, one test and a final exam coming up...crunch time. Ive never been a straight A student. I do well, but I work hard for teh grades I get. I can see my masters degree at the end of the tunnel..that ever elusive perverbial carrot..waiting ..sigh lol So today I really have to get some work done
But ya know what? I Rock! Wanna know why??? lol
Because not only am I not a morning person, but I get it together enough to get four kids ready, make them all breakfast, getting them dressed them, brushing teeth, throwing myself together,  THEN driving each of them to school...THREE separate schools!...and I still have time to bitch about it in my blog !LOL
Thanks for listening my friends  :)
See you real soon
xox
D

Gravity

The following post is something I wrote a while back. The catalyst was the realization that certain people in my family will never see us as a real family. I have recently vowed to be  much more discriminatory in who I allow in my life rather than continuously allowing blood relatives to emotionally abuse me because of biology. This was what I wrote as I was making peace with that decision. It's a little graphic and not a feel good read but it's real and was my reality for a long time. This not who I am, but rather part of the journey I have taken to get to who I am. 

Were there happy times when I was a kid? God! There were so many it's hard to think of just one. My mind is instantly fragmented into hundreds of tiny pieces; each telling a story; each a piece of a whole.

I remember the sounds of the night in Mamaw and Papaw's trailer in Kentucky. Those humid July nights when the air was thick and held the smoke and sparks from the camp fire. The woods slept as I'd lie awake listening to the echo of male voices outside drinking moonshine and laughing in their drunkenness. There was no place safer. The essence of my childhood still creeps about in those woods...searching for the rest of me.

I don't remember saying much when I was a child. I listened a lot though. My parents having sex in the next room, my uncle's hot breath on the back of my neck as I wondered if anyone else in the 1st grade was getting fucked up the ass, and the sound of my brother's grave whispering my name telling me  should be in that hole.

All these things, and so many other forbidden things I kept to myself, and some I still do. I kept them because as awful as they were, they were surrounded by so many wonderful things. The love of my mother, the pride of my grandfather and the admiration of my little sister.

It was these things that made all the shitty things feel tolerable, even worth while because it meant that somewhere in all of that I might be worthy of that love, that pride, that adoration.

My Mom and Dad were married as teenagers. Mom had turned 16 the month before I was born.
I was not healthy and expected to die before sunrise.

I still wonder if sometimes I'll be lucky enough to die before sunrise. But the sun keeps rising and I'm still faced with the decissions I made yesterday and the day before that.

Many many years have passed since I heard Papaw drinking moonshine by the fire. I've recently found an over weight middle aged man staring at me whom I don't recognize, though he's always in the same place; the mirror.

Papaw is now a box full of ash that is buried just a few feet from where he used to get drunk.
My mother, who used to make me feel like the most important little boy on the planet, now is reduced to seeing me whenever her abusive husband will allow.
My sister who used to make sure that  I got the first popsicle, is now married to a drug addict who sits back and watches her while she stumbles closer and closer to the edge of the cliff with each pill she takes.
There are days, like today, when the pain and disappointment flavor everything...days when I'm certain that any god who may exist is a cruel son of a bitch.

It's then that I look up and remember that while the years have robbed  me of some of my family as I knew them, I have been busy creating my own. I found myself in this house with a man who would stop time for me if he thought he could and 4 young children who look to both he and I for the answers to all their questions.

So here I sit...with this family of my own all around me. I don't remember how we all found one another but here we are, and I want nothing more than to show them to, share them with, these precious, priceless  people of my past who never really existed.

I search for them at family gatherings, in ICU rooms and in the cars that occasionally grace my driveway, but they are not there; not really. They have scattered to the recesses of my mind where they exist as I remember them; and that fact fills me with a void..a vastness, larger than the universe itself.

I think it is human nature to seek solid ground, something to pick up with your hands and recognize when there's no gravity.  So is it really any surprise that I searched the nation and found two Mexican boys in Texas who also had no gravity? Or two little black boys from Columbus who didn't even know what gravity was?
Was it so wrong of me to search and create my own family while the one I held in my hands fell through my fingers like sand..turning into people I don't know.
So did I adopt these children to make myself feel better...look better...less broken perhaps? Fuck yes.
I did. And I think that makes me a human being. A flawed, stumbling human being trying to find some peace during wartime, some solitude in chaos and some gravity in time and space. Yes, I am guilty of that.

Where there's a will...

There is a way. Our surrogate is obviously a main priority right now. Simultaneously I am focusing on finishing up my graduate degree. I have 6 classes left. Throughout my education i have thought about where i will end up. In every idea I've had, I have always seen myself doing some kind of therapy, whether it's marriage and family therapy, grief therapy or child trauma therapy.

This weekend Stephen and I went out to the farm where we board our horses. The woman who ownes the farm is also a therapist and is a friend of ours. (Patti) She does some therapy with her horses and struggles to find clients as it is something that she has just started.

All of our children have experienced some sort of trauma. Some have had a harder time than others. One thing they ALL have in common is that they each have come out of their shells, gained some self confidence and enhanced their social skills. I have seen all these things happen as a direct result of the relationship they have had with the animals we have. Even the chickens, taught Marcus a sense of empathy. Marcus was born with a diagnosis of "failure to thrive" and fetal alcohol syndrome. Because of this he is very skinny and getting him to eat had been a real challenge.
This past summer while gathering eggs in the morning, I convinced Marcus that NOT eating his scrambled eggs would hurt Mama chickens feelings because she gives us her eggs every day.
I've seen Eddie "come alive" around the horses when he'd normally rather be in his room watching cartoons.

So when I was talking to Patti this weekend, she was telling me that she is starting some drug and alcohol education groups for high school kids both at local schools and at the farm with her horses. She said she could really use my help with the groups and said that I could even be cut in on what she gets paid for it. This is huge for me since technically I dont have my license yet, but I can work under her and she can supervise me with her licensure. It'd be a great way for me to get my name out there, get more experience, and do what I really want to do ultimately; child therapy with animals.

We also recently received notification that MRDD here in Dayton has started an Equine therapy program. I don't know what kind of relationship they have with local equine organizations, but I am going to try to see if I can help Patti get some more business, in turn, more experience and more potential opportunity for me as well.

The frustrating part, for me, is two fold :
1.  I have worked in this field for over 12 years, I know a lot about what i'm getting into, but despite all my experience, without that college degree that Im SO close to, I can't do what I want, unsupervised. I get the logistis of it. I have to jump through the "hoops" just like anyone else.
2. Although we have a lot of space at our house with our 1 acre, we still don't have the land to have our horses at our own property. *That* is when I will really have the ideal opportunities, as it may also coincide when I'll be able to sit for my license exam. The two things should happen around the same time.
Until then, I have this great opportunity to get my feet wet some more, and network some.
I have seen *amazing* things happen to my own children with the relationships I have helped them build with animals. Im just trying to focus on what I need to get this off the ground. Im so excited!
If you have kids who might benefit from something like this contact me for details.

Faith

I detest most organized religion. I do, however, think that it's important to have faith in something bigger than ourselves. It could be a god, the universe, fate, I guess it could be many things.
Myself, am a firm believer in reincarnation. I think we are all here for a reason and I also think that for a multitude of reasons we come back again and again until we learn the things that we are destined to learn.
I know that my path has crossed the paths of my children for many reasons involving all of us. Sometimes I look at Marcus (he's 5) and I swear I see an old man looking back at me through his eyes. Its strange, I can't quantify it but I feel it.
I dont pretend to have any kind of insight beyond that, I just believe what I believe.
I've always been intrigued by this notion of how old our souls really are. I still expect the world to be a fair place to some degree, i get pissed off and make a lot of noise when its not and am still impressed and amazed at the world. Ive heard that this makes me a younger soul. Older souls aprreciate the world, admire it, but arent really impressed or suprised by it because theyve been here before..lol, I dont know, but as I said, it an intruiging thought:)  I love the idea that i could be sent back again and again to figure out my obstacles. It makes more sense to me than living, choosing good or bad, then going to heaven or hell...then it's over? ...and you either spend eternity worshiping or being punished? naw, i dont buy that.
What do you think?

Something Light :)

Ok, so my first few posts have been pretty heavy, I know. Important stuff though, so I don't regret it.
For the sake of mixing things up a bit I thought Id take a few minutes and share with you a few times when my kids have said those things that just made me laugh so hard I wanted to pee my pants :)
Ya know those times when they just pop off with those one lines that you just could never have made up if you had tried?
ESEQUIEL
He had just turned 10 when I got him. The more I write about him the more you will see that this little Man (now 14) says *exactly* what's on his mind...always has and I have every reason to believe that he always will.
Well, I had him about three weeks and he starts asking about how babies are made. I thought, oh god! I didnt even think about "the talk" ...but like so much of what we have been through , I just rolled up my perverbial sleeves so to speak and said, Ok, have a seat and Ill explain it :)
He sat on the edge of his seat..taking it all in, hanging on my every word, and in turn, I explained *everything * i could think of, from erections, masturbation and the normalcy therein, and of course, conception. I did all of this in the most age appropriate way I could think of. I even drew little stick figures (one with an erection and one with a flacid penis, lol, he laughed so hard because I drew the stick man with the erection with a big smile on his face)
So i completed my speech and our conversation wnet something like this:
Esequiel: Ok, so these ..sperm things..theryre just wiggling around .."down there??!..EEeeewww!!
Me: Yes, well, sort of, your body makes more all the time
Esequiel: (composing himself and resigning himself to the fact that these things were "swiming around"in his testicles..LOL) Well, if it really only takes ONE sperm to fertilize that egg, and there really are millions, what happens to the rest of them?
Me: They die.
Esequiel: THEY JUST DIE??!!?? (...He was mortified and for some reason now felt some ownership of these little critters:)
We both laughed and then he says: WAIT JUST A MINUTE!! ( as if he'd caught me in some lie)
Youre gay. What do *YOU* know about vaginas!?
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ESEQUIEL
My welsh corgi was on the floor by the couch and I had dropped a sock, or something, I forget what it was now. and I was being silly. He was in no mood for it, which made me want to be all the sillier. He obviously thought I was THE most un-cool dorky Dad:)
Me: (droping the sock) Oh crap, I wish the dog would pick it up for me! Thats th eleats she could do after all I do for her!
Esequiel: (rolling his eyes) Dad, she doesnt have disposable thumbs! Duh! ..LOL
(but even he couldnt help but laugh once I explained his grammatical error:))
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EDDIE
Just today he kept talking about washing my "egg beaters" I was like Wtf is this kid talking about??
Eddie:, ya know! Those white tank tops!
Me: Oooooh you mean wife beaters?? LOL
______________________________________________________________________________
Marcus & Juan
Not long ago I kept hearing:
"Eddie is pinching our Nickles!!"
Me: what?
Marcus & Juan (holding their little hands over their nipples) Our Nickles!!!..LOL
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Eddie
Juan is 4 and doesnt always wipe as well as he should after pooping. Well, one day I was multi tasking and since Eddie can be so helpful and easy going, I said, Eddie honey, will you please go wipe his butt? lol
of course i get an eye roll and an ..ugh.Ooooook.
a moment later I hear Juan in the bathroom:
ocuh! Ouch! Ouch!
I go in..
Eddie! what the hell?..turns out Eddie wanted to do  real thourough job but hadnt cut his creepy fingernails in a Loooong time! LOL
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and lastly, I just melt everytime Juan and Marcus refer to Hide n seek as " Hide and Secret" lol

Unpopular gay opinion

In my first post, I briefly mentioned that I had some pretty specific ideas about gay rights and the gay movement , in general. As a gay couple with children it is paramount that Stephen and I both keep our finger on the pulse of this movement as it impacts our family in many ways. Stephen and I could not BOTH adopt our children. It had to be one of us or the other. The non-adoptive parent had to get legal guardianship through our attorney; so we both have some kind of parental rights in so far as educational say so, medical authority ect.
Since we are not "legally" a couple, Stephen is not considered my "next of kin". This becomes problematic in terms of making medical decisions, rights to legal property in the event of one of our deaths, ect. Without our wills and the cooperation of our families of origin , these would be potentially HUGE problems.

So why dont gays and lesbians have more equal rights? Why dont people see the value in gay familes?
The expected answer might be:
Conservative Republicans
Conservative Religious views
The lack of separation between church and state in our legal system
It MIGHT be those things, but you know what the biggest culrpite is , in my opinion?
Gay peeople.
Thats right, I think that we help to repress ourselves more than any republican ever could. My opinion is not a popular one, but here's my rational:
I dont know how many of you are involved or aware of any kind of gay culture, but if you attend any gay pride event in June, you will see that for many .."Gay Pride" equates a kind of no holds barred, sexually explicit, in your face, fuck you , kind of attitude with behavior to match. The media devours this, recycles it back into mainstream society and tells us "This is what a gay person is."
When we see the front page of the news paper. covering a gay pride event, or the 11 O'Clock news after a gay event.
You probably wont see:
the gay Dad's pushing strollers
or lesbian moms, little red wagons in tow.
Thats not to say that we (gay familes) arent there..we are. But we dont make the headlines. We dont fit the shock value element that main stream media dictates.
What you will undoubtedly see are:
the outrageous drag queens in heels and laced panties,
the muscle stripper boys, wearing G strings, sometimes less,
or other things like S&M leather scenes depicting public flogging and other sexual fetishes.
Now, let me digress and say that, I am NOT saying that these people dont have a place. Im also not saying that I think all these things are "bad" or even "wrong"
I don't think anything is that Black and White.
The complicated part is that I understand, historically, why certain groups behave the way they do. Gay people have been beaten, arrested, killed, harrased and denied rights all for being gay,  and in some parts of the country still are, so, after the stonewall riots in the 60's, the gay community decided to fight back and have proven since, to be a forced to be reckoned with.
But I fear we have lost our way. I wonder what such gay pioneers such as Harvey Milk would say if he were alive today to see the Gay amusement park-like events that happen annually supposedly in the name of gay rights.

Many straight models of society would have you believe that my family is NOT a family.
Much of gay culture revolves around bars, partying, and venues that are NOT kid friendly at all.
So where does that leave gay families? Where do we fit in?
We are getting some of the rights we have fought so hard for..slowly, but there is yet a real environment for those changes to truly flourish.
Let me give some context to my soap box here.
Every year cities decide what the theme for their gay pride parade will be for that year. They gather people from the community and establish committees to decide what is most appropriate and what most accurately reflects what is happening in gay culture for that area.
Lat year Columbus Ohio chose "Gay Families" at the theme for their celebration. I was elated! I thought, FINALLY! People would really see that there is a whole other side to gay culture that wasn't so risque but just as normal as any heterosexual family. I just felt like, finally, me and my family would be represented.
We marched in the parade and were at the head of the parade. all around us were gay families with kids holding signs saying "I love Daddy and Papa" or "I love my two Moms" I was overcome..several times. I teared up more than I can tell you. People were taking pictures, asking for interviews..ect. It was wonderful.
The theme was "Gay Families". What no one realized was, those who didnt have children, and gravitated more towards that hyper sexual shock value life style, really didnt know how to celebrate gay familes. Sooooo,  just a few feet behind us, marching to "represent" gay familes were the same tired crap that I give an eye roll to every damn year.
There was even a float created by one of the leather bars with a naked man tied to a cross getting a dildo shoved up his ass in front of the whole crowd. This was just ONE example of the offensive sights. That parade was no more about gay families than the man on the moon. The parents of the grand Marshall who had come to support their son actually were so offended by the vulgar display of sexuality that they left before the parade finished.
The news coverage did not look any different than the years prior.
The drag queens, the strippers, the sexual explicit behavior..all present and accounted for...
and those were offended were such a small percentage of the numbers represented that our voices were not heard.The most offensive part was they even pretended that it was about gay families at all.
My question is:
If we really want equality, If we really want to be seen as equal and deserving of legal rights, is this really the smartest way to represent ourselves???
I am extremely liberal politically but wheather we like it or not, there is and always will be a very real conservative component to our society, there will always be conservative Christians and conservative republicans who will fight to the death to deny us our rights, so by contributing to these shock value media shows that so many gay boys seem to thrive on, aren't we just feeding right out of the hands of those who wish to oppress us?
All any Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh has to do is tune into any local liberal media news channel covering gay "pride" and say , "See?! I told you they were perverts!" Im not saying the answer is to all subscribe to some conservative notion that we all need to adhere by ,exhibiting complete american patriotic, traditional "family values."...but is it wise to pretend that it's not a balance either???

adoption journey

I'll admit that this entry is primarily for friends of Rhea , who know and care about her. I want you all to get to know my family and know that we are normal sane people.lol
There has been so much that has happened that has led me to where i am. It's important for me to share these things because I wish I had known then what I know now and if what Ive discovered can help others, then the trepidations are well worth it:) so id like to say a little bit about the path that led me here.

I was in a ten year relationship and living in San Francisco. It was a relationship that worked for a long time for many reason and like so many others, in 2005, reached a point where it just stop working. The main problem was that my biological clock was ticking so loud it was keeping me up at night. He had no interest in being tied down with children and thought I was crazy for wanting one of those self absorbed crying poop machines...but I did, more than anything :)
I think, in retrospect, that was one of the reasons I had such a difficult time coming out years prior; because in my heart, Ive always known I was going to be someones Dad. Like so many others, I thought that being gay would prevent that.

I packed up a uhaul trailer, loaded up my two welsh corgis, Luna and Sol and through my tears, my fears and my determination and I moved back home to Ohio.  I wanted to adopt and had made up my mind that I didnt need a man to complete me, so I set my mind to do it alone. and I did. All I asked for was the support of my family.

I really wanted a new born. I got connected with a local adoption agency and started the process soon after I got a job and bought a house, which amazingly happened relatively quickly all things considered. Getting settled and lending some thought to my life, I soon realized that I couldnt meet the needs of a newborn.

The adoption agency was not discriminatory but I did realize that no one is handing out newborns to single gay men either.  I filled out surveys outlining what kind of child i wanted and what kind i didnt. That was awkward enough to fill out but didn't compare to the horrible task of searching through online profiles of available kids across the country. 9 months into my search (ironically, lol) I came across a little 9 year old Mexican boy named Esequiel (Ee-zee-key-ul) When i was in high school, and dreamt of having a son, this was actually a name i had picked out ! LOL..so of course the profile caught my eye. As I read on, I read past the ADD and I read past the behavior problems and the learning disabilities and dyslexia and saw that he was born in Phoenix Arizona at the exact same time that I lived there! We were even in the same county. He needed me and I needed him.
I notified and convinced the powers that be that I was supposed to be this boys father and two moths later I found myself on a plane to texas to pick up my son.
We spent a few days together and I quickly learned that we was really bonded with his foster brother, Eddie. They had lived in the same foster home for several years. The had each lost all their biological siblings and were all each other had..aaaaaand *that* is how I ended up adopting two mexican boys when I thought I was getting one:)
Years past and the boys and I learned more about being sons and father that any of us thought we would. Those years were hard on my own but i wouldnt trade them for anything.
I met Stephen while singing with the Columbus Gay mens chorus. We quickly saw we wanted all the same things, fell in love and ascended yet another hill on this rollercoster ride.

"Dad and Stephen" soon became "Dad and Papa".  McDonalds drive through soon became home cooked sit down meals around the table and the frantic scramblings of a single Dad trying to get things done soon became two parents balancing things out together..equally..together, and I smiled.

A bit later Stephen and i decided to become foster parents. We wanted to help other children find their forever families and be a part of that process of being a temporary family for kids who really need one. 

We got THE most adorable toddlers. Now, at this point, remember that we had only parented pre teens who were now teenagers. But much like parenting any child, we did what most people do, you hit the ground running, do the best you can and cross bridges as you get to them.
(please keep in mind that I am GROSSLY summarizing and editing many many years of detail, just to give you a little context lol)

The toddlers had no family and had bonded with us so much that..you guessed it, they asked us to adopt them lol
Im a graduate student in a social work program and ive had several years experience working as a case worker for children's services so I think that really helped us out.
Ok ok ok so lets get caught up tp current day..lol.. soooo
Through out this entire story, Stephen and I observed and come to realize that, yes we have 4 beautiful children who have overcome enormous obstacles and have flourished beyond anyone's predictions, yet a few things remain..no matter what we do
1. Our older kids actually remember the sexual abuse, physical abuse and neglect they suffered.
2. We will never have memories of any of our kids' firsts ( tooth, word, step)
3. Even the young ones will have life long consequences of their birthmother having used drugs and alcohol throughout her entire pregnancies.
4. All our children suffered, and by some bizzare cosmic logic, only were able to be OUR children AFTER they suffered at someone elses hand. They paid a very high price, and we, as parents misse dout on soooo much of their lives.
We want this one last opportunity to experience the miracle of a child from that very first day. That first time they look into your eyes and you tell them that you will never ever let anything bad happen to them and you'll love them forever and ever.
We can shower our children with all the love and opportunities in the world and we can NEVER changed whats happened to them. It kills me.
We prayed for a chance to start from day one, and then we met Rhea.
God bless you Rhea.
xo

Some Background

This is something that I have wanted to do for a long time. Recently something has come into my life that has propelled me to share my thoughts. (I'll get to that) Ive always been a very opinionated person. I feel passionate about many things; some very controversial, some very traditional.
First a little background :
Im also a very forward person. I say *exactly* whats on my mind. Many people in my life respect it and others, not so much:) I will add, however, that although I don't like to edit myself, I also feel I am really good at being diplomatic. I'm not an ass, but I also don't sugar coat unnecessarily. I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I get annoyed at wishy washy people or folks who are false or pretentious. NO time for that crap. Move on.
I'm gay, but I didn't feel the need to say that in the 1st paragraph because that is not what defines me. I am many things and my sexuality, while an essential part, is just that; a part.  I think its rather ironic that I am in fact gay, because , truth be told, I don't prefer a lot of gay company. I thrive on diversity and while the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender) community is an important, i've yet to feel a part of it, and that's okay. This is a portion of much bigger conversation that I will elaborate on later, but I'll just say that gay rights are paramount to me. I struggle, however, with how most gay groups represent themselves. I think so much of what "we" do is counter productive to what we say we all want: equality. As I said, we'll get back to that one at a later time.
I am the father of four beautiful boys. Two, I adopted on my own 5 years ago ( now ages 16 ..Eddie and Esequiel ,14.) and two toddlers, ages 4 and 5, Marcus & Juan. My partner Stephen and I became foster parents last year. Our first placement was Marcus and Juan and we just couldnt let them go. They have become such a part of our family and the "Daddy I love you's"  "Can I have a hug/kiss?" (insert puppy dog eyes here:)) was a clear message to us that they belong right where they are..at home.
In the first paragraph I mentioned that something has happened that propelled me to start this process. I will paraphrase it with this: The one thing that has always brought me pain about adopting older kids is that I missed so much. I missed the first tooth, the first step, the first word. Even more troubling is the amount of trauma my children have experienced in these years where we were not together. Their lives would have looked very different had I been there from the beginning. Because of this, I have longed for an infant. I will never have kindergarten pictures of two teenagers. I cannot change the fact that my two younger children will spend their lives dealing with fetal alcohol issues. It hurts more than I can articulate, to hear my children's sentences that begin with "...when i was in fostercare."
Recently the universe has crossed our paths with a beautiful woman who has chosen to be a surrogate for us! We had much heart ache in our search to adopt a baby, met with enormous financial barriers (they may as well just say these babies are "for sale" ..its sickening)..but here is this woman, who has recently become a great friend and she wants to do this for us, using her own egg, simply because it's something she's always wanted to do. The words that I would need to describe our gratitude, excitement,  and amazement is quite honestly just beyond my grasp. I hope one day that she comes to know what joy, what love and what a tremendous selfless thing she is doing for us. We can never repay it. It's overwhelming and humbling.
All for now,
I hope you've enjoyed a sneak peek into my life and I hope you'll visit again soon :)
Donny