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Its been a challenging day. I don't normally write more than one post a day. My god, who has that kind of time? lol, but you guys are such a wonderful therapeutic support for me..lol..so here we are again.
I say it was a hard day, but not in its entirety. The good parts were, Juan and Marcus are really thriving in their new pre-school. The staff are very supportive of the boys' struggles /needs and they are also very supportive of us as a same sex family, which is always nice.
The toddlers are thriving and growing so much.
Marcus will be old enough for kindergarten next school year. We have had some concerns though. Due to his unfair start in life, (his birthmother drinking, and snorting coke throughout the entire pregnancy) he has a hard time telling the difference between letters and numbers. It takes him longer to learn a concept. He's smart..very smart, he just learns differently and it takes him a bit more and unfortunately he has to work twice as hard as he should have to.
So, given all of that, Stephen and I hired a private tutor for him. Our older son has shown *amazing* advances academically with his private tutor, so we are having him for Marcus as well. Today was the first session. Marcus finished, comes running out of the room and says: "Dad!! Im great!!" LOL Smiling from ear to ear as if he were telling me something I didnt already know in my heart. I knew it as soon as I saw him when we first met. He's just now figuring it out.

So here's the hard part of the day:
Marus & Juan:  They are toddlers, developmentally I dont expect them to be able to always say "Dad I feel... or I think...." They are not there yet, so I watch for their behavior, to tell me how they are feeling..thats fine.
Esequiel: You will ALWAYS know how this kid feels/thinks! lol
I relate to Esequiel A LOT in this way.
The first school day of this current year he approaches his homeroom teacher after class and says:
"Excuse me, Hi, um..Im not trying to be mean or anything, but this morning I was thinking that your voice was like nails on a chalboard!! Its just SO LOUD!..but I like you, youre nice. Im Esequiel."
LOL...and he walks away.
The teacher was actually impressed with his honesty, the fact that he did it one on one and not in front of the whole class so it wasnt disruptive, luckily she also has a great sense of humor :)

Eddie: You could give Eddie 5 million dollars and you may or may not ..ever..know what he really thinks or feels. Eddie has Asbergers syndrome.  he is 16 biologically, Developmentally, he's probably about 7 or 8 years behind emotionally, somedays more , somedays less.
He LOVES cartoons. Would eat cookies all day if Id let him. He also wants to be a car mechanic. He has very little impulse control and socially, he is great with toddlers, grade school kids, but kids his own age, he has nothing in common with and tends to be scared of them. He really can be a great help in many ways, as long as I dont expect him to be 16. Thats hard for me because the level of work he is able to do surpasses how old he is. He can do math that I will never or have ever been able to even imagine. he's a brilliant reader, hes amazing mechanically, so many days, its really easy for me to get lost in the fantasy that he can be 16 in other ways.
He has about as much desire to drive a car as I do to go to the gynecologist. LOL..and of course Esequiel is like,
"Dude! are you crazy!?! I cant wait to get my license!!!!!" ...but Esequiel is very much age appropriate..even more mature for his age..lol (you can see my situation here, right? lol)
If I need Eddie to do something, academically with his school work or just around the house, and if he really doesnt want to , he won't.  He never makes alot of fuss about it, theres never alot of drama from him, he just shuts down.
In moments of conflict or discussions I ve asked him "What are you thinking right now?!"  or "What are you feeling" and I'll get "I dont know" or "Nothing, really" when nothing in the universes tells me this is possible. Its also been suggested that Eddie qualifies for a diagnosis of Oppositional defiant disorder. He's not the kind of kid that makes a lot of noise about it, like I said, its all very passive, sometimes passive aggressive.
If i didnt "give him a hard time" (how he puts it) I would never have any trouble out of Eddie. It's when I expect things where we butt heads. Some of those things he's really easy to negotiate with, things like, making ihs bed, doing his laundry, chores..ect..daily hygiene ect..but the big stuff..the stuff that is going to shape his future like academic habits for college, being able to follow simple direction/ answer a simple question or be accountable or responsible...he digs his heels in the mud and wont budge. It drives me nuts because i can see him creating a very limiting future for himself. It saddens me. I see his potential in so many other things that so often it REALLY looks like, he is CHOOSING to make poor choices. Te things he chooses to do and the things he chooses not to, do not line up. Its almost impossible to find a pattern. We navigate the best we can.
Somedays I get lost in his fog. I try to frantically make the fog go away..to reason with it, negotiate with it. and of course you know how that ends. Im using reasoning and logic with fog...and it just sits there.
Sometimes the fog lifts and I see this sparkle in his eye! and Im thinking.."YESSSSSSSSSS! THATS IT!!" and for no apparent reason..and often without warning..the fog comes back and he wants to watch cartoons again...sigh.
My gut tells me to let him be Eddie and not who *I* want or need him to be, but sometimes I just want so much for him ..and it's frustrating.
Everyday we navigate new shores. Sometimes the seas are rough, sometimes a creepy calm lol..but we all get through:) I love him and I know he loves me, so I guess its ok if I dont hear it. I know it. I am giving him opportunities that I know he would have never had..Im not sure what that counts for if he doesn't take advantage of them.lol, but Im doing what I can :)
Thank you all for reading :)
xo
Donny