I work as a substitute teacher while Im in grad school. I LOVE it, but its hard to budget money when I dont know how much I'll be working. Anyway..friday I taught at Esequiel's school.
Im walking to my classroom in the morning and I hear this adult voice, "Mr. Marlow! Mr. Marlow!!"
I turn around to see what the hell the urgency was..lol..it was Mr. Harmon, the music teacher. Seems that they are putting on a musical in may of Alice in Wonderland and he had heard that I have some artistic tendencies..lol and he asked if I would draw a forest for the back drops for the enchanted forests. I love stuff like that, so this morning (sunday) along with a few other volemteers for a couple other jobs he needed, we went to the school, and I sketched out some huge trees and huge mushrooms and flowers :0 Good times! Its look really cool :) Plus the school is really old (My dad went there when we was in the 3rd grade) so it has that really "old school smell" and a HUGE old old old auditorium with those old wooden fold down seats. ( You can't tell me there aren't ghosts in that place lol)
I cant wait to see what the kids do with the production :)
Then I came home and cranked out most of my paper Im doing on the Dayton Hospice. Its a 15 page paper (though its lookin like this one's gonna be closer to 20) but its very comprehensive. Its a really awesome organization. I went there on saturday just to get some brocheures and talk to someone to get some info. *Really* beautiful place!! complete with two huge ponds in the back with ducks and swans and large open spaces, and they provide really unique awesome services. GREAT organization! If you have ANY money at all earmarked for charities in your budget, please consider donating to your local hospice.
I'll be starting an intership there this coming fall..REALLY looking forward to that. It will be hard, Im sure. ...but I can't think of a more honorable thing I could be doing that to spend those last moments with someone and ease their anxiety, or the anxiety of their family.
Saturday, I attended my 2nd mosaic art lesson! OMG its only 2 hours a week, but I SO wish I could find time in my life for this once the class is over! lol.
I got a lot done on my project. Its a peacock made of mosaic..and it's turning out soooo amazing. I cant wait to complete it. Stained glass is my next venture, that looks like so much fun!
A friend of mine lives in Truth or Consequences New Mexico, which I hear has HUGE art community. I would love to visit there someday:) I figure any town that is actually named after a game show HAS to be interesting to say the least :) lol
OHHH..I almost forgot! We came a tiny step closer to our surrogacy journey today! We got medical insurance for Rhea, Which was part of the agreement and will save us a bundle doing it this way. She has really good coverage and insemination is the next step :) We are all really excited! She is one of those people who loves being pregnant, so thats good! LOL
She asked me last week how I felt about her doing some pain management for the birth (epidural).
My response: Oh Honey!! There is NO reason this day and age for someone to white knuckle it through something like that..YES! Please! I wouldnt have it any other way!"
Her response: THANKS! LOL
LOL, so yea, we're on the same page with that lol
just a fair warning..when she actually gets pregnant, I'll be blogging about it A LOT!! lol, I can't wait!
ok ok , so back my hospice paper..lol Gotta finish it :)
xox
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Old note
(For those of you who follow me on facebook, you may recognize this note from there. I posted it a few months back, but as Ive started this blog,I want to make this a completion of some of my better stuff :)
Driving down I-75 North after class tonight. I was singing with the radio..nothing major..just enjoying the song and I notice this car full of girls pull up next to me and they were laughing their asses off!!! I was like, "Pft..whatever, Im just singin..." I dismissed it.
About 5 miles up the road I was mortified to have realized that they were probably laughing at me because I had been so into Vogue-ing ..that without even thinking about it , I had been steering with my knees so I could Vogue ....lol..smh...Bald white guy in his 40's in an SUV vogue-ing on a tuesday night..priceless :)
Driving down I-75 North after class tonight. I was singing with the radio..nothing major..just enjoying the song and I notice this car full of girls pull up next to me and they were laughing their asses off!!! I was like, "Pft..whatever, Im just singin..." I dismissed it.
About 5 miles up the road I was mortified to have realized that they were probably laughing at me because I had been so into Vogue-ing ..that without even thinking about it , I had been steering with my knees so I could Vogue ....lol..smh...Bald white guy in his 40's in an SUV vogue-ing on a tuesday night..priceless :)
Monday, February 21, 2011
All I need...
I have talked about, eluded to and processed about how I have conflict with some people in my family. I had another major confrontation with my sister today. It is maddening when someone who is supposed to know you, proves that they not only do not know you at all but has no desire to ever really "know" you. I was going to blog about that tonight, but thats ALL im going to say about it.
I recently saw a documentary called "The Secret" ..gave me chills. Basically in a nut shell, it was about how everything we do say and think shape our lives. If we dwell on negativity and focus on all the things we dont have..the universe gives all that back to us, to deal with over and over. If we want something in our lives, we thank the universe for it as if we already have it. Okay, so yes, I am aware that it sounds a little hokey...but think about it like this:
Our entire society is structured about FIGHTING things. We fight hunger, AIDS, homelessness, cancer, war..ect. So even if we go to an anti war rally, we are in fact, still putting the idea of war out to the universe. Instead of attending an anti war event, attend a pro peace event. The shift might seem subtle, but if you think about it, its huge. Think about all the things yu could take different approaches on. If you havent seen the movie OMG please go FIND IT!
There are two things that Im doing, one is i went and found a gratitude rock. A small rock that , as soon as I saw it, caught my eye. It was beside my brothers headstone. I carry it to remind me to be grateful for all I have and all that I WILL have.
The other is a visual board. I found images of things that I am striving for and I put a collage together, so its in a place in my home where I SEE it every morning, reminding me of what I'm getting out of bed for each day. It helps more that I knew..its SO so easy, even tempting, to get caught up in whats wrong..whats unjust, as a gay man, I have a plethora of things I could go postal on..lol..but why? Is that really the example I want to be for my children? Is that really how I want to feel ..everyday, angry, and bitter? NO..Im convinced , now more than ever, that thats how so many people get and stay sick with cancer and other illnesses..by polluting our bodies and our minds..its all connected and pretending that they are all seperate entities, is just wrong. It doesnt make sense.
Rhea, our surrogate, is the person who turned me on to this movie, stephen got it for me for valentines day.
So Id like to say here and now that I am SO gratefull for my boys, for Rhea, for facebook friends like Mickey Losey, whom Ive never met, sent me a HUGE box with ALL the equipment Ill need for my darkroom, I want to have soon. I just mentioned it to her in passing , and she just happend to have ALL the equipment in her attic and wated to get rid of it before she moved, so she sent it to me ..at no cost ,and asked nothing for it, just that someone use it..someone who i havent even met.
My son, Esequiel, told me the other day ..(he's also making a visual board) "Dad, you know what Im grateful for? Im grateful you adopted me. It may not be a perfect family, but at least I have one now" When he says things like that, how in the world can I focus on whats not right with my extended family..he deserves NOTHING less than to be told that he is loved more than words can say, that he is the smartest, most adorable child, and that I am so honored to be his Dad. Anything else is secondary.
Then there is Rhea, tonight she was saying that she was wondering how we would feel about getting together once a month after she gets pregnant, so we can experience all that we can, so we can feel the baby move, talk to him/her so he/she hears our voices, and be a part of the ENTIRE process. She said she doesnt want us to miss out on anything. ..and she was wondering if we would be WILLING to get together once a month for this! Of course my response was : Rhea, just when I think you couldnt be anymore sweet or generous, you go and say something like this.
My Dr. called today that my sperm count is really good, so everything looks really good for insemination in May! Theres a good chance we could get pregnant first time!!
I am SO VERY blessed. I have beautiful wonderful people in my life. Granted , they are not the ones I expected, and its easy to get caught up in that, but why??
All I have to do is look around and see that I have all I need right here, anything else is just icing on the cake
Thank you..all of you
xoxo
I recently saw a documentary called "The Secret" ..gave me chills. Basically in a nut shell, it was about how everything we do say and think shape our lives. If we dwell on negativity and focus on all the things we dont have..the universe gives all that back to us, to deal with over and over. If we want something in our lives, we thank the universe for it as if we already have it. Okay, so yes, I am aware that it sounds a little hokey...but think about it like this:
Our entire society is structured about FIGHTING things. We fight hunger, AIDS, homelessness, cancer, war..ect. So even if we go to an anti war rally, we are in fact, still putting the idea of war out to the universe. Instead of attending an anti war event, attend a pro peace event. The shift might seem subtle, but if you think about it, its huge. Think about all the things yu could take different approaches on. If you havent seen the movie OMG please go FIND IT!
There are two things that Im doing, one is i went and found a gratitude rock. A small rock that , as soon as I saw it, caught my eye. It was beside my brothers headstone. I carry it to remind me to be grateful for all I have and all that I WILL have.
The other is a visual board. I found images of things that I am striving for and I put a collage together, so its in a place in my home where I SEE it every morning, reminding me of what I'm getting out of bed for each day. It helps more that I knew..its SO so easy, even tempting, to get caught up in whats wrong..whats unjust, as a gay man, I have a plethora of things I could go postal on..lol..but why? Is that really the example I want to be for my children? Is that really how I want to feel ..everyday, angry, and bitter? NO..Im convinced , now more than ever, that thats how so many people get and stay sick with cancer and other illnesses..by polluting our bodies and our minds..its all connected and pretending that they are all seperate entities, is just wrong. It doesnt make sense.
Rhea, our surrogate, is the person who turned me on to this movie, stephen got it for me for valentines day.
So Id like to say here and now that I am SO gratefull for my boys, for Rhea, for facebook friends like Mickey Losey, whom Ive never met, sent me a HUGE box with ALL the equipment Ill need for my darkroom, I want to have soon. I just mentioned it to her in passing , and she just happend to have ALL the equipment in her attic and wated to get rid of it before she moved, so she sent it to me ..at no cost ,and asked nothing for it, just that someone use it..someone who i havent even met.
My son, Esequiel, told me the other day ..(he's also making a visual board) "Dad, you know what Im grateful for? Im grateful you adopted me. It may not be a perfect family, but at least I have one now" When he says things like that, how in the world can I focus on whats not right with my extended family..he deserves NOTHING less than to be told that he is loved more than words can say, that he is the smartest, most adorable child, and that I am so honored to be his Dad. Anything else is secondary.
Then there is Rhea, tonight she was saying that she was wondering how we would feel about getting together once a month after she gets pregnant, so we can experience all that we can, so we can feel the baby move, talk to him/her so he/she hears our voices, and be a part of the ENTIRE process. She said she doesnt want us to miss out on anything. ..and she was wondering if we would be WILLING to get together once a month for this! Of course my response was : Rhea, just when I think you couldnt be anymore sweet or generous, you go and say something like this.
My Dr. called today that my sperm count is really good, so everything looks really good for insemination in May! Theres a good chance we could get pregnant first time!!
I am SO VERY blessed. I have beautiful wonderful people in my life. Granted , they are not the ones I expected, and its easy to get caught up in that, but why??
All I have to do is look around and see that I have all I need right here, anything else is just icing on the cake
Thank you..all of you
xoxo
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Tingle and trickle
Woke up in a funk. Dont know why, just one of those irrational mornings when nothings really wrong but nothings quite right either. A few weeks ago I realized that I really needed an outlet for myslef..something that was just MINE. Not Stephen's, not the kids, just mine. Creativity is usually my poison of choice so thats where I started looking. I found an art class downtown for mosaics. I signed up and my first class was this morning.
Before leaving the house i was a little bitter that I was in such a funk because I wanted to walk into the class with a clean , fresh mental pallet.
As soon as I got there and started sketching some ideas for my project, my funkiness melted away, and the creativity started to tingle in my fingertips and trickle through my veins.
It was kinda like waking up after a loooooong over due sleep when you open your eyes and see all the possibilities in front of you.
My fantasy is when we buy the farm, to have a small barn in the back of the property that we use for a family art gallery. Both my older sons are very talented sketch artists as well as mosaic and stained glass. Id love to be able to go there and crank some music up and just have a totally creative space to wash away the funk so I can see from my eyes again. To me, art is like a shower for the soul. It just makes me feel fresh and rejuvenated.
The class is for 6 weeks I think, two hours a week. Im taking on quite a large project..lol. Im hoping I didnt bite off more that I can chew:)
Ill post a pic when Im done :)
Thanks for Reading
Donny
Before leaving the house i was a little bitter that I was in such a funk because I wanted to walk into the class with a clean , fresh mental pallet.
As soon as I got there and started sketching some ideas for my project, my funkiness melted away, and the creativity started to tingle in my fingertips and trickle through my veins.
It was kinda like waking up after a loooooong over due sleep when you open your eyes and see all the possibilities in front of you.
My fantasy is when we buy the farm, to have a small barn in the back of the property that we use for a family art gallery. Both my older sons are very talented sketch artists as well as mosaic and stained glass. Id love to be able to go there and crank some music up and just have a totally creative space to wash away the funk so I can see from my eyes again. To me, art is like a shower for the soul. It just makes me feel fresh and rejuvenated.
The class is for 6 weeks I think, two hours a week. Im taking on quite a large project..lol. Im hoping I didnt bite off more that I can chew:)
Ill post a pic when Im done :)
Thanks for Reading
Donny
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Focus
I have talked in great detail about somethings that bother me about my family. One of teh main reasons I decided to do this blog is so I would have a spce to process my feelings. One the things I didnt take into a great deal of consideration, however, was how my words affect certain people.
Today, someone who I love very much pointed out to me that while my struggles in my nuclear family are valid, I also have some pretty great people in my corner.
Its funny that this call when it did, because I just got the DVD yesterday for VD that I have been dying to see. Its called "The Secret" and its all about visualizing what you want your life to be like.
I have a bad habit of really focusing on what I dont have, especially if I feel it is unjust and just plain wrong. As an openly gay man, I have been ready to take the world by the balls and teach my kids that they should *always* stand up for themselves. I still think thats important, but I also think that I need to spend a little bit more time giving props to those great people who have been supportive to me and my family. So..if i havent mentioned the supportive people in my life in previous emails, its not because I dont know they care, I just get caught up things that are blatantly wrong.
I do have a new goal though, to really do a personal inventory..the man in the mirror so to speak :)
xox
Thanks, you know who you are
Today, someone who I love very much pointed out to me that while my struggles in my nuclear family are valid, I also have some pretty great people in my corner.
Its funny that this call when it did, because I just got the DVD yesterday for VD that I have been dying to see. Its called "The Secret" and its all about visualizing what you want your life to be like.
I have a bad habit of really focusing on what I dont have, especially if I feel it is unjust and just plain wrong. As an openly gay man, I have been ready to take the world by the balls and teach my kids that they should *always* stand up for themselves. I still think thats important, but I also think that I need to spend a little bit more time giving props to those great people who have been supportive to me and my family. So..if i havent mentioned the supportive people in my life in previous emails, its not because I dont know they care, I just get caught up things that are blatantly wrong.
I do have a new goal though, to really do a personal inventory..the man in the mirror so to speak :)
xox
Thanks, you know who you are
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Them there are feudin words!
I was so excited to learn an interesting note about my ancestry this weekend. I have had a second person confirm that my great grandmother was a lesbian.
apparently, my graet grandpa Jake Hatfield and his wife Amanda lived in a little house with their 5 kids. Grandma Amanda supposedly was a very plain woman who never wore make-up or cared how she looked ..until...
She began hanging around this new woman in town. They would go all kinds of places together, and then grandma Amanda began to wear make up and dresses and she eventually told Jake that she was leaving with her new partner.
Divorce really didn't happen in those days (early 1920's) and Grandpa Jake really didnt have the money to raise all this kids on his own, so he built a house..*next door* so that Amanda and her partner could live next door and they ALL helped raise the kids.
Now being in Tennessee, I am SURE that they were the talk of the town, but what a diplomatic way to handle a difficult unorthodox situation , plus, I think its pretty cool that I can trace homosexuality back in my family, proving that its NOT a random choice.
Oh also an interesting note, Jake Hatfield was a direct descendant of the Hatfield family,, of the famous Hatfield and McCoys Feud. :)
apparently, my graet grandpa Jake Hatfield and his wife Amanda lived in a little house with their 5 kids. Grandma Amanda supposedly was a very plain woman who never wore make-up or cared how she looked ..until...
She began hanging around this new woman in town. They would go all kinds of places together, and then grandma Amanda began to wear make up and dresses and she eventually told Jake that she was leaving with her new partner.
Divorce really didn't happen in those days (early 1920's) and Grandpa Jake really didnt have the money to raise all this kids on his own, so he built a house..*next door* so that Amanda and her partner could live next door and they ALL helped raise the kids.
Now being in Tennessee, I am SURE that they were the talk of the town, but what a diplomatic way to handle a difficult unorthodox situation , plus, I think its pretty cool that I can trace homosexuality back in my family, proving that its NOT a random choice.
Oh also an interesting note, Jake Hatfield was a direct descendant of the Hatfield family,, of the famous Hatfield and McCoys Feud. :)
They come in 3's
Omg what an exhausting weekend. So my plan was to study this weekend..I had intended to just bury my nose in the books and Stephen had agreed to take on all the little monkeys for the weekend, so it all seemed I had a green light to just focused on ME. Until.....lol
I went to feed the chickens and noticed one of them was limping, actually only walking on one foot. I thought Id take a closer look, so I brought her inside and put her in a dog kennel so I could keep an eye on her in the house. So I'l pause here for a sec for all of you that are saying,
"Your keeping a chicken in the house??!! Gross!" and to those people I will say this:
Have you met me?! LOL..Seriously though, had I left her out there with the other chickens she runs the chance of being beaten up even killed if she shows weakness. Ever heard the expression "pecking order"? Its orogin refers to chickens.
So We have her in the house, watching her trying to see of we can nurse her back to health.
THATS ONE
Saturday early afternoon, my cousin had came by with her two boys and so it was a bit like romper-room:) and of course after a while of playing ..we hear:
little foot pattering on the hardwood floor
followed by giggles
followed by a loud THUD
followed by screams
Juan comes running into the kitchen with his little hand grasped over his forehead, blood pouring out from between his four year old fingers.
We rushed off to childrens hospital.
As they held him down, they started sewing him up and he starts screaming and it just about broke my heart...ugh
The other part is that Juan has had two other head injuries in Oct last year and Dec. which resulted in 10 stitches. All three of these things were really normal kid stuff expect for the fact that Juan has a pre existing condition. He has had brain bleeds in the past due to the fact that his skull is a little bigger than his brain, so when he takes a tumble or is too rough, it has been known to bleed. All of this is because his birth mother used a lot of cocaine and alcohol while pregnant with him. So, as you can imagine, whenever he so much as bumps his head, my heart stops for a second.
The good news is that it looks as though he is growing into his head, and Dr's say he is well on his way to growing out of this condition..for now, however..it's hard, until he's "out of the woods"
He received 16 stitches this time.
THATS TWOmeanwhile back in the E.R..
My cell rang. Stephen was helping hold Juan down so I left the room to answer it.
It was our friend Patti, who is also the person who keeps our horses at her farm.
She said that our thoroughbred mare, Stella, was laying down in her stall and not eating. I called the Vet to meet us out there at the farm. We left right from the hospital
So it turns out Stella had colic, and was a little dehydrated. So she's gonna be just fine. I was freaked out though, because I didnt know what was wrong with her. The Vet gave her two injections, and took this loooong clear tube, stuck it up her nose, and down her esophagus and pumped a bucket of water into her stomach. She said sometimes horses dont drink enough when its cold out, so..no real serious harm done..just a little unexpected dent in my checkbook for that after hours vet visit.
THATS MAKES THREE...lol
Everyone is going to be ok (though the jury is still out on Hennrietta the chicken)..this summer we are looking forward to riding Stella, and also saddle training our new Icelandic horse, Gretchen. ..and , *keeping fingers crossed* Juan having had experienced his last head injury.
Its strange..ALL our kids have had a shitty start in life, and both horses were also rescued.
They have a lot in comon in that way.
Stella was a race horse. She had been run so hard and for so long; mainly because she made a *great deal* of money for her owners, but when she got too old for that , she was put out to pasture to be a brood mare. By the time we found her, her feet had grown over and her horse shoes were way too small and she was so thin you could see her ribs. Se is much better now. She's filled out, and her feet and healed. Its so nice to see her just be able to be a horse :)
Gretchen was owned by a woman who had advanced MS. She had recently been convinced to move here from Michigan by a man she met online, who put her in deep debt then left her. She had to move from her home, and she left the horse behind.
Gretchen was left here with no other animals and no people. The Realtor was feeding her. Shes only 4 years old and just needed some TLC...I think we all did.
xo
Donny
I went to feed the chickens and noticed one of them was limping, actually only walking on one foot. I thought Id take a closer look, so I brought her inside and put her in a dog kennel so I could keep an eye on her in the house. So I'l pause here for a sec for all of you that are saying,
"Your keeping a chicken in the house??!! Gross!" and to those people I will say this:
Have you met me?! LOL..Seriously though, had I left her out there with the other chickens she runs the chance of being beaten up even killed if she shows weakness. Ever heard the expression "pecking order"? Its orogin refers to chickens.
So We have her in the house, watching her trying to see of we can nurse her back to health.
THATS ONE
Saturday early afternoon, my cousin had came by with her two boys and so it was a bit like romper-room:) and of course after a while of playing ..we hear:
little foot pattering on the hardwood floor
followed by giggles
followed by a loud THUD
followed by screams
Juan comes running into the kitchen with his little hand grasped over his forehead, blood pouring out from between his four year old fingers.
We rushed off to childrens hospital.
As they held him down, they started sewing him up and he starts screaming and it just about broke my heart...ugh
The other part is that Juan has had two other head injuries in Oct last year and Dec. which resulted in 10 stitches. All three of these things were really normal kid stuff expect for the fact that Juan has a pre existing condition. He has had brain bleeds in the past due to the fact that his skull is a little bigger than his brain, so when he takes a tumble or is too rough, it has been known to bleed. All of this is because his birth mother used a lot of cocaine and alcohol while pregnant with him. So, as you can imagine, whenever he so much as bumps his head, my heart stops for a second.
The good news is that it looks as though he is growing into his head, and Dr's say he is well on his way to growing out of this condition..for now, however..it's hard, until he's "out of the woods"
He received 16 stitches this time.
THATS TWOmeanwhile back in the E.R..
My cell rang. Stephen was helping hold Juan down so I left the room to answer it.
It was our friend Patti, who is also the person who keeps our horses at her farm.
She said that our thoroughbred mare, Stella, was laying down in her stall and not eating. I called the Vet to meet us out there at the farm. We left right from the hospital
So it turns out Stella had colic, and was a little dehydrated. So she's gonna be just fine. I was freaked out though, because I didnt know what was wrong with her. The Vet gave her two injections, and took this loooong clear tube, stuck it up her nose, and down her esophagus and pumped a bucket of water into her stomach. She said sometimes horses dont drink enough when its cold out, so..no real serious harm done..just a little unexpected dent in my checkbook for that after hours vet visit.
THATS MAKES THREE...lol
Everyone is going to be ok (though the jury is still out on Hennrietta the chicken)..this summer we are looking forward to riding Stella, and also saddle training our new Icelandic horse, Gretchen. ..and , *keeping fingers crossed* Juan having had experienced his last head injury.
Its strange..ALL our kids have had a shitty start in life, and both horses were also rescued.
They have a lot in comon in that way.
Stella was a race horse. She had been run so hard and for so long; mainly because she made a *great deal* of money for her owners, but when she got too old for that , she was put out to pasture to be a brood mare. By the time we found her, her feet had grown over and her horse shoes were way too small and she was so thin you could see her ribs. Se is much better now. She's filled out, and her feet and healed. Its so nice to see her just be able to be a horse :)
Gretchen was owned by a woman who had advanced MS. She had recently been convinced to move here from Michigan by a man she met online, who put her in deep debt then left her. She had to move from her home, and she left the horse behind.
Gretchen was left here with no other animals and no people. The Realtor was feeding her. Shes only 4 years old and just needed some TLC...I think we all did.
xo
Donny
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Noahs Arc
Thank you all for reading my posts:) Its so much fun, and therapeutic for me to be able to do this. I just wanted to drop you all a line and remind you to check out our non profit animal sanctuary blog. The link is on here.
Stephen is working very hard to make it visualy stimulating, interactive and informative.
One day we will have our farm and things will grow even more ..for now we are focusing on using our animals for education at the local schools. We have a new baby fox a baby raccoon and baby skunk coming in the spring.
Gotta get our bottles and nipples ready :)
Stay tuned for some "Awwwwe" photos :)
Thanks
xoxo
D
Stephen is working very hard to make it visualy stimulating, interactive and informative.
One day we will have our farm and things will grow even more ..for now we are focusing on using our animals for education at the local schools. We have a new baby fox a baby raccoon and baby skunk coming in the spring.
Gotta get our bottles and nipples ready :)
Stay tuned for some "Awwwwe" photos :)
Thanks
xoxo
D
Big ones and Small ones
Nothing is more vast, more encompassing or more intriguing to me.
I also believe that it gives you what you're supposed to have: your faith, your opportunities, your destiny. I also believe we have the power to fuck it up beyond recognition LOL
I love the idea of positive affirmations and positive thoughts to help crate self actualization and goals.
I have been saying for a while now that, I get too caught up in the "details' and responsibilities of my daily life to have time for such things, but no more.
I have big goals and small goals, and for today, just for today, I will get some studying done, and clean the house, so i can think clearly about what i am going accomplish this evening. I WILL do this.
What WILL you do?
I also believe that it gives you what you're supposed to have: your faith, your opportunities, your destiny. I also believe we have the power to fuck it up beyond recognition LOL
I love the idea of positive affirmations and positive thoughts to help crate self actualization and goals.
I have been saying for a while now that, I get too caught up in the "details' and responsibilities of my daily life to have time for such things, but no more.
I have big goals and small goals, and for today, just for today, I will get some studying done, and clean the house, so i can think clearly about what i am going accomplish this evening. I WILL do this.
What WILL you do?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Navigation
Its been a challenging day. I don't normally write more than one post a day. My god, who has that kind of time? lol, but you guys are such a wonderful therapeutic support for me..lol..so here we are again.
I say it was a hard day, but not in its entirety. The good parts were, Juan and Marcus are really thriving in their new pre-school. The staff are very supportive of the boys' struggles /needs and they are also very supportive of us as a same sex family, which is always nice.
The toddlers are thriving and growing so much.
Marcus will be old enough for kindergarten next school year. We have had some concerns though. Due to his unfair start in life, (his birthmother drinking, and snorting coke throughout the entire pregnancy) he has a hard time telling the difference between letters and numbers. It takes him longer to learn a concept. He's smart..very smart, he just learns differently and it takes him a bit more and unfortunately he has to work twice as hard as he should have to.
So, given all of that, Stephen and I hired a private tutor for him. Our older son has shown *amazing* advances academically with his private tutor, so we are having him for Marcus as well. Today was the first session. Marcus finished, comes running out of the room and says: "Dad!! Im great!!" LOL Smiling from ear to ear as if he were telling me something I didnt already know in my heart. I knew it as soon as I saw him when we first met. He's just now figuring it out.
So here's the hard part of the day:
Marus & Juan: They are toddlers, developmentally I dont expect them to be able to always say "Dad I feel... or I think...." They are not there yet, so I watch for their behavior, to tell me how they are feeling..thats fine.
Esequiel: You will ALWAYS know how this kid feels/thinks! lol
I relate to Esequiel A LOT in this way.
The first school day of this current year he approaches his homeroom teacher after class and says:
"Excuse me, Hi, um..Im not trying to be mean or anything, but this morning I was thinking that your voice was like nails on a chalboard!! Its just SO LOUD!..but I like you, youre nice. Im Esequiel."
LOL...and he walks away.
The teacher was actually impressed with his honesty, the fact that he did it one on one and not in front of the whole class so it wasnt disruptive, luckily she also has a great sense of humor :)
Eddie: You could give Eddie 5 million dollars and you may or may not ..ever..know what he really thinks or feels. Eddie has Asbergers syndrome. he is 16 biologically, Developmentally, he's probably about 7 or 8 years behind emotionally, somedays more , somedays less.
He LOVES cartoons. Would eat cookies all day if Id let him. He also wants to be a car mechanic. He has very little impulse control and socially, he is great with toddlers, grade school kids, but kids his own age, he has nothing in common with and tends to be scared of them. He really can be a great help in many ways, as long as I dont expect him to be 16. Thats hard for me because the level of work he is able to do surpasses how old he is. He can do math that I will never or have ever been able to even imagine. he's a brilliant reader, hes amazing mechanically, so many days, its really easy for me to get lost in the fantasy that he can be 16 in other ways.
He has about as much desire to drive a car as I do to go to the gynecologist. LOL..and of course Esequiel is like,
"Dude! are you crazy!?! I cant wait to get my license!!!!!" ...but Esequiel is very much age appropriate..even more mature for his age..lol (you can see my situation here, right? lol)
If I need Eddie to do something, academically with his school work or just around the house, and if he really doesnt want to , he won't. He never makes alot of fuss about it, theres never alot of drama from him, he just shuts down.
In moments of conflict or discussions I ve asked him "What are you thinking right now?!" or "What are you feeling" and I'll get "I dont know" or "Nothing, really" when nothing in the universes tells me this is possible. Its also been suggested that Eddie qualifies for a diagnosis of Oppositional defiant disorder. He's not the kind of kid that makes a lot of noise about it, like I said, its all very passive, sometimes passive aggressive.
If i didnt "give him a hard time" (how he puts it) I would never have any trouble out of Eddie. It's when I expect things where we butt heads. Some of those things he's really easy to negotiate with, things like, making ihs bed, doing his laundry, chores..ect..daily hygiene ect..but the big stuff..the stuff that is going to shape his future like academic habits for college, being able to follow simple direction/ answer a simple question or be accountable or responsible...he digs his heels in the mud and wont budge. It drives me nuts because i can see him creating a very limiting future for himself. It saddens me. I see his potential in so many other things that so often it REALLY looks like, he is CHOOSING to make poor choices. Te things he chooses to do and the things he chooses not to, do not line up. Its almost impossible to find a pattern. We navigate the best we can.
Somedays I get lost in his fog. I try to frantically make the fog go away..to reason with it, negotiate with it. and of course you know how that ends. Im using reasoning and logic with fog...and it just sits there.
Sometimes the fog lifts and I see this sparkle in his eye! and Im thinking.."YESSSSSSSSSS! THATS IT!!" and for no apparent reason..and often without warning..the fog comes back and he wants to watch cartoons again...sigh.
My gut tells me to let him be Eddie and not who *I* want or need him to be, but sometimes I just want so much for him ..and it's frustrating.
Everyday we navigate new shores. Sometimes the seas are rough, sometimes a creepy calm lol..but we all get through:) I love him and I know he loves me, so I guess its ok if I dont hear it. I know it. I am giving him opportunities that I know he would have never had..Im not sure what that counts for if he doesn't take advantage of them.lol, but Im doing what I can :)
Thank you all for reading :)
xo
Donny
I say it was a hard day, but not in its entirety. The good parts were, Juan and Marcus are really thriving in their new pre-school. The staff are very supportive of the boys' struggles /needs and they are also very supportive of us as a same sex family, which is always nice.
The toddlers are thriving and growing so much.
Marcus will be old enough for kindergarten next school year. We have had some concerns though. Due to his unfair start in life, (his birthmother drinking, and snorting coke throughout the entire pregnancy) he has a hard time telling the difference between letters and numbers. It takes him longer to learn a concept. He's smart..very smart, he just learns differently and it takes him a bit more and unfortunately he has to work twice as hard as he should have to.
So, given all of that, Stephen and I hired a private tutor for him. Our older son has shown *amazing* advances academically with his private tutor, so we are having him for Marcus as well. Today was the first session. Marcus finished, comes running out of the room and says: "Dad!! Im great!!" LOL Smiling from ear to ear as if he were telling me something I didnt already know in my heart. I knew it as soon as I saw him when we first met. He's just now figuring it out.
So here's the hard part of the day:
Marus & Juan: They are toddlers, developmentally I dont expect them to be able to always say "Dad I feel... or I think...." They are not there yet, so I watch for their behavior, to tell me how they are feeling..thats fine.
Esequiel: You will ALWAYS know how this kid feels/thinks! lol
I relate to Esequiel A LOT in this way.
The first school day of this current year he approaches his homeroom teacher after class and says:
"Excuse me, Hi, um..Im not trying to be mean or anything, but this morning I was thinking that your voice was like nails on a chalboard!! Its just SO LOUD!..but I like you, youre nice. Im Esequiel."
LOL...and he walks away.
The teacher was actually impressed with his honesty, the fact that he did it one on one and not in front of the whole class so it wasnt disruptive, luckily she also has a great sense of humor :)
Eddie: You could give Eddie 5 million dollars and you may or may not ..ever..know what he really thinks or feels. Eddie has Asbergers syndrome. he is 16 biologically, Developmentally, he's probably about 7 or 8 years behind emotionally, somedays more , somedays less.
He LOVES cartoons. Would eat cookies all day if Id let him. He also wants to be a car mechanic. He has very little impulse control and socially, he is great with toddlers, grade school kids, but kids his own age, he has nothing in common with and tends to be scared of them. He really can be a great help in many ways, as long as I dont expect him to be 16. Thats hard for me because the level of work he is able to do surpasses how old he is. He can do math that I will never or have ever been able to even imagine. he's a brilliant reader, hes amazing mechanically, so many days, its really easy for me to get lost in the fantasy that he can be 16 in other ways.
He has about as much desire to drive a car as I do to go to the gynecologist. LOL..and of course Esequiel is like,
"Dude! are you crazy!?! I cant wait to get my license!!!!!" ...but Esequiel is very much age appropriate..even more mature for his age..lol (you can see my situation here, right? lol)
If I need Eddie to do something, academically with his school work or just around the house, and if he really doesnt want to , he won't. He never makes alot of fuss about it, theres never alot of drama from him, he just shuts down.
In moments of conflict or discussions I ve asked him "What are you thinking right now?!" or "What are you feeling" and I'll get "I dont know" or "Nothing, really" when nothing in the universes tells me this is possible. Its also been suggested that Eddie qualifies for a diagnosis of Oppositional defiant disorder. He's not the kind of kid that makes a lot of noise about it, like I said, its all very passive, sometimes passive aggressive.
If i didnt "give him a hard time" (how he puts it) I would never have any trouble out of Eddie. It's when I expect things where we butt heads. Some of those things he's really easy to negotiate with, things like, making ihs bed, doing his laundry, chores..ect..daily hygiene ect..but the big stuff..the stuff that is going to shape his future like academic habits for college, being able to follow simple direction/ answer a simple question or be accountable or responsible...he digs his heels in the mud and wont budge. It drives me nuts because i can see him creating a very limiting future for himself. It saddens me. I see his potential in so many other things that so often it REALLY looks like, he is CHOOSING to make poor choices. Te things he chooses to do and the things he chooses not to, do not line up. Its almost impossible to find a pattern. We navigate the best we can.
Somedays I get lost in his fog. I try to frantically make the fog go away..to reason with it, negotiate with it. and of course you know how that ends. Im using reasoning and logic with fog...and it just sits there.
Sometimes the fog lifts and I see this sparkle in his eye! and Im thinking.."YESSSSSSSSSS! THATS IT!!" and for no apparent reason..and often without warning..the fog comes back and he wants to watch cartoons again...sigh.
My gut tells me to let him be Eddie and not who *I* want or need him to be, but sometimes I just want so much for him ..and it's frustrating.
Everyday we navigate new shores. Sometimes the seas are rough, sometimes a creepy calm lol..but we all get through:) I love him and I know he loves me, so I guess its ok if I dont hear it. I know it. I am giving him opportunities that I know he would have never had..Im not sure what that counts for if he doesn't take advantage of them.lol, but Im doing what I can :)
Thank you all for reading :)
xo
Donny
Time to make the doughnuts
I am SO not a morning person LOL. Yes , Ive started with that:)
(..LOL and here some proof of that..I just told my 4 year old:
:" Stop eating and talk!"....LOL of course I meant the opposite)
I tell ya , its nice that all four kids are getting ready for school at the same time now. Its been a lot more convenient since i found ll day pre school for the toddlers; makes my life a little easier. What's become quite obvious is that we need to finish the second bathroom in the basement ASAP. We have most of th ework done, plumbing and such, just need to put up the walls and tiles on the floor. It was so bad when the kids were staggered in the morning, but now I have toddlers waiting to brush teeth because certain teenagers I know are taking too long in the bathroom...lol, yes it is interesting :) Not to mention the fact that with six guys in the house, that ONE bathroom starts smelling like a high school locker room REAL quick lol
On top of all this the quarter is ending at school soon, I have one paper due next week, one test and a final exam coming up...crunch time. Ive never been a straight A student. I do well, but I work hard for teh grades I get. I can see my masters degree at the end of the tunnel..that ever elusive perverbial carrot..waiting ..sigh lol So today I really have to get some work done
But ya know what? I Rock! Wanna know why??? lol
Because not only am I not a morning person, but I get it together enough to get four kids ready, make them all breakfast, getting them dressed them, brushing teeth, throwing myself together, THEN driving each of them to school...THREE separate schools!...and I still have time to bitch about it in my blog !LOL
Thanks for listening my friends :)
See you real soon
xox
D
(..LOL and here some proof of that..I just told my 4 year old:
:" Stop eating and talk!"....LOL of course I meant the opposite)
I tell ya , its nice that all four kids are getting ready for school at the same time now. Its been a lot more convenient since i found ll day pre school for the toddlers; makes my life a little easier. What's become quite obvious is that we need to finish the second bathroom in the basement ASAP. We have most of th ework done, plumbing and such, just need to put up the walls and tiles on the floor. It was so bad when the kids were staggered in the morning, but now I have toddlers waiting to brush teeth because certain teenagers I know are taking too long in the bathroom...lol, yes it is interesting :) Not to mention the fact that with six guys in the house, that ONE bathroom starts smelling like a high school locker room REAL quick lol
On top of all this the quarter is ending at school soon, I have one paper due next week, one test and a final exam coming up...crunch time. Ive never been a straight A student. I do well, but I work hard for teh grades I get. I can see my masters degree at the end of the tunnel..that ever elusive perverbial carrot..waiting ..sigh lol So today I really have to get some work done
But ya know what? I Rock! Wanna know why??? lol
Because not only am I not a morning person, but I get it together enough to get four kids ready, make them all breakfast, getting them dressed them, brushing teeth, throwing myself together, THEN driving each of them to school...THREE separate schools!...and I still have time to bitch about it in my blog !LOL
Thanks for listening my friends :)
See you real soon
xox
D
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Gravity
The following post is something I wrote a while back. The catalyst was the realization that certain people in my family will never see us as a real family. I have recently vowed to be much more discriminatory in who I allow in my life rather than continuously allowing blood relatives to emotionally abuse me because of biology. This was what I wrote as I was making peace with that decision. It's a little graphic and not a feel good read but it's real and was my reality for a long time. This not who I am, but rather part of the journey I have taken to get to who I am.
Were there happy times when I was a kid? God! There were so many it's hard to think of just one. My mind is instantly fragmented into hundreds of tiny pieces; each telling a story; each a piece of a whole.
I remember the sounds of the night in Mamaw and Papaw's trailer in Kentucky. Those humid July nights when the air was thick and held the smoke and sparks from the camp fire. The woods slept as I'd lie awake listening to the echo of male voices outside drinking moonshine and laughing in their drunkenness. There was no place safer. The essence of my childhood still creeps about in those woods...searching for the rest of me.
I don't remember saying much when I was a child. I listened a lot though. My parents having sex in the next room, my uncle's hot breath on the back of my neck as I wondered if anyone else in the 1st grade was getting fucked up the ass, and the sound of my brother's grave whispering my name telling me should be in that hole.
All these things, and so many other forbidden things I kept to myself, and some I still do. I kept them because as awful as they were, they were surrounded by so many wonderful things. The love of my mother, the pride of my grandfather and the admiration of my little sister.
It was these things that made all the shitty things feel tolerable, even worth while because it meant that somewhere in all of that I might be worthy of that love, that pride, that adoration.
My Mom and Dad were married as teenagers. Mom had turned 16 the month before I was born.
I was not healthy and expected to die before sunrise.
I still wonder if sometimes I'll be lucky enough to die before sunrise. But the sun keeps rising and I'm still faced with the decissions I made yesterday and the day before that.
Many many years have passed since I heard Papaw drinking moonshine by the fire. I've recently found an over weight middle aged man staring at me whom I don't recognize, though he's always in the same place; the mirror.
Papaw is now a box full of ash that is buried just a few feet from where he used to get drunk.
My mother, who used to make me feel like the most important little boy on the planet, now is reduced to seeing me whenever her abusive husband will allow.
My sister who used to make sure that I got the first popsicle, is now married to a drug addict who sits back and watches her while she stumbles closer and closer to the edge of the cliff with each pill she takes.
There are days, like today, when the pain and disappointment flavor everything...days when I'm certain that any god who may exist is a cruel son of a bitch.
It's then that I look up and remember that while the years have robbed me of some of my family as I knew them, I have been busy creating my own. I found myself in this house with a man who would stop time for me if he thought he could and 4 young children who look to both he and I for the answers to all their questions.
So here I sit...with this family of my own all around me. I don't remember how we all found one another but here we are, and I want nothing more than to show them to, share them with, these precious, priceless people of my past who never really existed.
I search for them at family gatherings, in ICU rooms and in the cars that occasionally grace my driveway, but they are not there; not really. They have scattered to the recesses of my mind where they exist as I remember them; and that fact fills me with a void..a vastness, larger than the universe itself.
I think it is human nature to seek solid ground, something to pick up with your hands and recognize when there's no gravity. So is it really any surprise that I searched the nation and found two Mexican boys in Texas who also had no gravity? Or two little black boys from Columbus who didn't even know what gravity was?
Was it so wrong of me to search and create my own family while the one I held in my hands fell through my fingers like sand..turning into people I don't know.
So did I adopt these children to make myself feel better...look better...less broken perhaps? Fuck yes.
I did. And I think that makes me a human being. A flawed, stumbling human being trying to find some peace during wartime, some solitude in chaos and some gravity in time and space. Yes, I am guilty of that.
Were there happy times when I was a kid? God! There were so many it's hard to think of just one. My mind is instantly fragmented into hundreds of tiny pieces; each telling a story; each a piece of a whole.
I remember the sounds of the night in Mamaw and Papaw's trailer in Kentucky. Those humid July nights when the air was thick and held the smoke and sparks from the camp fire. The woods slept as I'd lie awake listening to the echo of male voices outside drinking moonshine and laughing in their drunkenness. There was no place safer. The essence of my childhood still creeps about in those woods...searching for the rest of me.
I don't remember saying much when I was a child. I listened a lot though. My parents having sex in the next room, my uncle's hot breath on the back of my neck as I wondered if anyone else in the 1st grade was getting fucked up the ass, and the sound of my brother's grave whispering my name telling me should be in that hole.
All these things, and so many other forbidden things I kept to myself, and some I still do. I kept them because as awful as they were, they were surrounded by so many wonderful things. The love of my mother, the pride of my grandfather and the admiration of my little sister.
It was these things that made all the shitty things feel tolerable, even worth while because it meant that somewhere in all of that I might be worthy of that love, that pride, that adoration.
My Mom and Dad were married as teenagers. Mom had turned 16 the month before I was born.
I was not healthy and expected to die before sunrise.
I still wonder if sometimes I'll be lucky enough to die before sunrise. But the sun keeps rising and I'm still faced with the decissions I made yesterday and the day before that.
Many many years have passed since I heard Papaw drinking moonshine by the fire. I've recently found an over weight middle aged man staring at me whom I don't recognize, though he's always in the same place; the mirror.
Papaw is now a box full of ash that is buried just a few feet from where he used to get drunk.
My mother, who used to make me feel like the most important little boy on the planet, now is reduced to seeing me whenever her abusive husband will allow.
My sister who used to make sure that I got the first popsicle, is now married to a drug addict who sits back and watches her while she stumbles closer and closer to the edge of the cliff with each pill she takes.
There are days, like today, when the pain and disappointment flavor everything...days when I'm certain that any god who may exist is a cruel son of a bitch.
It's then that I look up and remember that while the years have robbed me of some of my family as I knew them, I have been busy creating my own. I found myself in this house with a man who would stop time for me if he thought he could and 4 young children who look to both he and I for the answers to all their questions.
So here I sit...with this family of my own all around me. I don't remember how we all found one another but here we are, and I want nothing more than to show them to, share them with, these precious, priceless people of my past who never really existed.
I search for them at family gatherings, in ICU rooms and in the cars that occasionally grace my driveway, but they are not there; not really. They have scattered to the recesses of my mind where they exist as I remember them; and that fact fills me with a void..a vastness, larger than the universe itself.
I think it is human nature to seek solid ground, something to pick up with your hands and recognize when there's no gravity. So is it really any surprise that I searched the nation and found two Mexican boys in Texas who also had no gravity? Or two little black boys from Columbus who didn't even know what gravity was?
Was it so wrong of me to search and create my own family while the one I held in my hands fell through my fingers like sand..turning into people I don't know.
So did I adopt these children to make myself feel better...look better...less broken perhaps? Fuck yes.
I did. And I think that makes me a human being. A flawed, stumbling human being trying to find some peace during wartime, some solitude in chaos and some gravity in time and space. Yes, I am guilty of that.
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