There is a way. Our surrogate is obviously a main priority right now. Simultaneously I am focusing on finishing up my graduate degree. I have 6 classes left. Throughout my education i have thought about where i will end up. In every idea I've had, I have always seen myself doing some kind of therapy, whether it's marriage and family therapy, grief therapy or child trauma therapy.
This weekend Stephen and I went out to the farm where we board our horses. The woman who ownes the farm is also a therapist and is a friend of ours. (Patti) She does some therapy with her horses and struggles to find clients as it is something that she has just started.
All of our children have experienced some sort of trauma. Some have had a harder time than others. One thing they ALL have in common is that they each have come out of their shells, gained some self confidence and enhanced their social skills. I have seen all these things happen as a direct result of the relationship they have had with the animals we have. Even the chickens, taught Marcus a sense of empathy. Marcus was born with a diagnosis of "failure to thrive" and fetal alcohol syndrome. Because of this he is very skinny and getting him to eat had been a real challenge.
This past summer while gathering eggs in the morning, I convinced Marcus that NOT eating his scrambled eggs would hurt Mama chickens feelings because she gives us her eggs every day.
I've seen Eddie "come alive" around the horses when he'd normally rather be in his room watching cartoons.
So when I was talking to Patti this weekend, she was telling me that she is starting some drug and alcohol education groups for high school kids both at local schools and at the farm with her horses. She said she could really use my help with the groups and said that I could even be cut in on what she gets paid for it. This is huge for me since technically I dont have my license yet, but I can work under her and she can supervise me with her licensure. It'd be a great way for me to get my name out there, get more experience, and do what I really want to do ultimately; child therapy with animals.
We also recently received notification that MRDD here in Dayton has started an Equine therapy program. I don't know what kind of relationship they have with local equine organizations, but I am going to try to see if I can help Patti get some more business, in turn, more experience and more potential opportunity for me as well.
The frustrating part, for me, is two fold :
1. I have worked in this field for over 12 years, I know a lot about what i'm getting into, but despite all my experience, without that college degree that Im SO close to, I can't do what I want, unsupervised. I get the logistis of it. I have to jump through the "hoops" just like anyone else.
2. Although we have a lot of space at our house with our 1 acre, we still don't have the land to have our horses at our own property. *That* is when I will really have the ideal opportunities, as it may also coincide when I'll be able to sit for my license exam. The two things should happen around the same time.
Until then, I have this great opportunity to get my feet wet some more, and network some.
I have seen *amazing* things happen to my own children with the relationships I have helped them build with animals. Im just trying to focus on what I need to get this off the ground. Im so excited!
If you have kids who might benefit from something like this contact me for details.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Faith
I detest most organized religion. I do, however, think that it's important to have faith in something bigger than ourselves. It could be a god, the universe, fate, I guess it could be many things.
Myself, am a firm believer in reincarnation. I think we are all here for a reason and I also think that for a multitude of reasons we come back again and again until we learn the things that we are destined to learn.
I know that my path has crossed the paths of my children for many reasons involving all of us. Sometimes I look at Marcus (he's 5) and I swear I see an old man looking back at me through his eyes. Its strange, I can't quantify it but I feel it.
I dont pretend to have any kind of insight beyond that, I just believe what I believe.
I've always been intrigued by this notion of how old our souls really are. I still expect the world to be a fair place to some degree, i get pissed off and make a lot of noise when its not and am still impressed and amazed at the world. Ive heard that this makes me a younger soul. Older souls aprreciate the world, admire it, but arent really impressed or suprised by it because theyve been here before..lol, I dont know, but as I said, it an intruiging thought:) I love the idea that i could be sent back again and again to figure out my obstacles. It makes more sense to me than living, choosing good or bad, then going to heaven or hell...then it's over? ...and you either spend eternity worshiping or being punished? naw, i dont buy that.
What do you think?
Myself, am a firm believer in reincarnation. I think we are all here for a reason and I also think that for a multitude of reasons we come back again and again until we learn the things that we are destined to learn.
I know that my path has crossed the paths of my children for many reasons involving all of us. Sometimes I look at Marcus (he's 5) and I swear I see an old man looking back at me through his eyes. Its strange, I can't quantify it but I feel it.
I dont pretend to have any kind of insight beyond that, I just believe what I believe.
I've always been intrigued by this notion of how old our souls really are. I still expect the world to be a fair place to some degree, i get pissed off and make a lot of noise when its not and am still impressed and amazed at the world. Ive heard that this makes me a younger soul. Older souls aprreciate the world, admire it, but arent really impressed or suprised by it because theyve been here before..lol, I dont know, but as I said, it an intruiging thought:) I love the idea that i could be sent back again and again to figure out my obstacles. It makes more sense to me than living, choosing good or bad, then going to heaven or hell...then it's over? ...and you either spend eternity worshiping or being punished? naw, i dont buy that.
What do you think?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Something Light :)
Ok, so my first few posts have been pretty heavy, I know. Important stuff though, so I don't regret it.
For the sake of mixing things up a bit I thought Id take a few minutes and share with you a few times when my kids have said those things that just made me laugh so hard I wanted to pee my pants :)
Ya know those times when they just pop off with those one lines that you just could never have made up if you had tried?
ESEQUIEL
He had just turned 10 when I got him. The more I write about him the more you will see that this little Man (now 14) says *exactly* what's on his mind...always has and I have every reason to believe that he always will.
Well, I had him about three weeks and he starts asking about how babies are made. I thought, oh god! I didnt even think about "the talk" ...but like so much of what we have been through , I just rolled up my perverbial sleeves so to speak and said, Ok, have a seat and Ill explain it :)
He sat on the edge of his seat..taking it all in, hanging on my every word, and in turn, I explained *everything * i could think of, from erections, masturbation and the normalcy therein, and of course, conception. I did all of this in the most age appropriate way I could think of. I even drew little stick figures (one with an erection and one with a flacid penis, lol, he laughed so hard because I drew the stick man with the erection with a big smile on his face)
So i completed my speech and our conversation wnet something like this:
Esequiel: Ok, so these ..sperm things..theryre just wiggling around .."down there??!..EEeeewww!!
Me: Yes, well, sort of, your body makes more all the time
Esequiel: (composing himself and resigning himself to the fact that these things were "swiming around"in his testicles..LOL) Well, if it really only takes ONE sperm to fertilize that egg, and there really are millions, what happens to the rest of them?
Me: They die.
Esequiel: THEY JUST DIE??!!?? (...He was mortified and for some reason now felt some ownership of these little critters:)
We both laughed and then he says: WAIT JUST A MINUTE!! ( as if he'd caught me in some lie)
Youre gay. What do *YOU* know about vaginas!?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ESEQUIEL
My welsh corgi was on the floor by the couch and I had dropped a sock, or something, I forget what it was now. and I was being silly. He was in no mood for it, which made me want to be all the sillier. He obviously thought I was THE most un-cool dorky Dad:)
Me: (droping the sock) Oh crap, I wish the dog would pick it up for me! Thats th eleats she could do after all I do for her!
Esequiel: (rolling his eyes) Dad, she doesnt have disposable thumbs! Duh! ..LOL
(but even he couldnt help but laugh once I explained his grammatical error:))
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDDIE
Just today he kept talking about washing my "egg beaters" I was like Wtf is this kid talking about??
Eddie:, ya know! Those white tank tops!
Me: Oooooh you mean wife beaters?? LOL
______________________________________________________________________________
Marcus & Juan
Not long ago I kept hearing:
"Eddie is pinching our Nickles!!"
Me: what?
Marcus & Juan (holding their little hands over their nipples) Our Nickles!!!..LOL
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eddie
Juan is 4 and doesnt always wipe as well as he should after pooping. Well, one day I was multi tasking and since Eddie can be so helpful and easy going, I said, Eddie honey, will you please go wipe his butt? lol
of course i get an eye roll and an ..ugh.Ooooook.
a moment later I hear Juan in the bathroom:
ocuh! Ouch! Ouch!
I go in..
Eddie! what the hell?..turns out Eddie wanted to do real thourough job but hadnt cut his creepy fingernails in a Loooong time! LOL
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and lastly, I just melt everytime Juan and Marcus refer to Hide n seek as " Hide and Secret" lol
For the sake of mixing things up a bit I thought Id take a few minutes and share with you a few times when my kids have said those things that just made me laugh so hard I wanted to pee my pants :)
Ya know those times when they just pop off with those one lines that you just could never have made up if you had tried?
ESEQUIEL
He had just turned 10 when I got him. The more I write about him the more you will see that this little Man (now 14) says *exactly* what's on his mind...always has and I have every reason to believe that he always will.
Well, I had him about three weeks and he starts asking about how babies are made. I thought, oh god! I didnt even think about "the talk" ...but like so much of what we have been through , I just rolled up my perverbial sleeves so to speak and said, Ok, have a seat and Ill explain it :)
He sat on the edge of his seat..taking it all in, hanging on my every word, and in turn, I explained *everything * i could think of, from erections, masturbation and the normalcy therein, and of course, conception. I did all of this in the most age appropriate way I could think of. I even drew little stick figures (one with an erection and one with a flacid penis, lol, he laughed so hard because I drew the stick man with the erection with a big smile on his face)
So i completed my speech and our conversation wnet something like this:
Esequiel: Ok, so these ..sperm things..theryre just wiggling around .."down there??!..EEeeewww!!
Me: Yes, well, sort of, your body makes more all the time
Esequiel: (composing himself and resigning himself to the fact that these things were "swiming around"in his testicles..LOL) Well, if it really only takes ONE sperm to fertilize that egg, and there really are millions, what happens to the rest of them?
Me: They die.
Esequiel: THEY JUST DIE??!!?? (...He was mortified and for some reason now felt some ownership of these little critters:)
We both laughed and then he says: WAIT JUST A MINUTE!! ( as if he'd caught me in some lie)
Youre gay. What do *YOU* know about vaginas!?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ESEQUIEL
My welsh corgi was on the floor by the couch and I had dropped a sock, or something, I forget what it was now. and I was being silly. He was in no mood for it, which made me want to be all the sillier. He obviously thought I was THE most un-cool dorky Dad:)
Me: (droping the sock) Oh crap, I wish the dog would pick it up for me! Thats th eleats she could do after all I do for her!
Esequiel: (rolling his eyes) Dad, she doesnt have disposable thumbs! Duh! ..LOL
(but even he couldnt help but laugh once I explained his grammatical error:))
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDDIE
Just today he kept talking about washing my "egg beaters" I was like Wtf is this kid talking about??
Eddie:, ya know! Those white tank tops!
Me: Oooooh you mean wife beaters?? LOL
______________________________________________________________________________
Marcus & Juan
Not long ago I kept hearing:
"Eddie is pinching our Nickles!!"
Me: what?
Marcus & Juan (holding their little hands over their nipples) Our Nickles!!!..LOL
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eddie
Juan is 4 and doesnt always wipe as well as he should after pooping. Well, one day I was multi tasking and since Eddie can be so helpful and easy going, I said, Eddie honey, will you please go wipe his butt? lol
of course i get an eye roll and an ..ugh.Ooooook.
a moment later I hear Juan in the bathroom:
ocuh! Ouch! Ouch!
I go in..
Eddie! what the hell?..turns out Eddie wanted to do real thourough job but hadnt cut his creepy fingernails in a Loooong time! LOL
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and lastly, I just melt everytime Juan and Marcus refer to Hide n seek as " Hide and Secret" lol
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Unpopular gay opinion
In my first post, I briefly mentioned that I had some pretty specific ideas about gay rights and the gay movement , in general. As a gay couple with children it is paramount that Stephen and I both keep our finger on the pulse of this movement as it impacts our family in many ways. Stephen and I could not BOTH adopt our children. It had to be one of us or the other. The non-adoptive parent had to get legal guardianship through our attorney; so we both have some kind of parental rights in so far as educational say so, medical authority ect.
Since we are not "legally" a couple, Stephen is not considered my "next of kin". This becomes problematic in terms of making medical decisions, rights to legal property in the event of one of our deaths, ect. Without our wills and the cooperation of our families of origin , these would be potentially HUGE problems.
So why dont gays and lesbians have more equal rights? Why dont people see the value in gay familes?
The expected answer might be:
Conservative Republicans
Conservative Religious views
The lack of separation between church and state in our legal system
It MIGHT be those things, but you know what the biggest culrpite is , in my opinion?
Gay peeople.
Thats right, I think that we help to repress ourselves more than any republican ever could. My opinion is not a popular one, but here's my rational:
I dont know how many of you are involved or aware of any kind of gay culture, but if you attend any gay pride event in June, you will see that for many .."Gay Pride" equates a kind of no holds barred, sexually explicit, in your face, fuck you , kind of attitude with behavior to match. The media devours this, recycles it back into mainstream society and tells us "This is what a gay person is."
When we see the front page of the news paper. covering a gay pride event, or the 11 O'Clock news after a gay event.
You probably wont see:
the gay Dad's pushing strollers
or lesbian moms, little red wagons in tow.
Thats not to say that we (gay familes) arent there..we are. But we dont make the headlines. We dont fit the shock value element that main stream media dictates.
What you will undoubtedly see are:
the outrageous drag queens in heels and laced panties,
the muscle stripper boys, wearing G strings, sometimes less,
or other things like S&M leather scenes depicting public flogging and other sexual fetishes.
Now, let me digress and say that, I am NOT saying that these people dont have a place. Im also not saying that I think all these things are "bad" or even "wrong"
I don't think anything is that Black and White.
The complicated part is that I understand, historically, why certain groups behave the way they do. Gay people have been beaten, arrested, killed, harrased and denied rights all for being gay, and in some parts of the country still are, so, after the stonewall riots in the 60's, the gay community decided to fight back and have proven since, to be a forced to be reckoned with.
But I fear we have lost our way. I wonder what such gay pioneers such as Harvey Milk would say if he were alive today to see the Gay amusement park-like events that happen annually supposedly in the name of gay rights.
Many straight models of society would have you believe that my family is NOT a family.
Much of gay culture revolves around bars, partying, and venues that are NOT kid friendly at all.
So where does that leave gay families? Where do we fit in?
We are getting some of the rights we have fought so hard for..slowly, but there is yet a real environment for those changes to truly flourish.
Let me give some context to my soap box here.
Every year cities decide what the theme for their gay pride parade will be for that year. They gather people from the community and establish committees to decide what is most appropriate and what most accurately reflects what is happening in gay culture for that area.
Lat year Columbus Ohio chose "Gay Families" at the theme for their celebration. I was elated! I thought, FINALLY! People would really see that there is a whole other side to gay culture that wasn't so risque but just as normal as any heterosexual family. I just felt like, finally, me and my family would be represented.
We marched in the parade and were at the head of the parade. all around us were gay families with kids holding signs saying "I love Daddy and Papa" or "I love my two Moms" I was overcome..several times. I teared up more than I can tell you. People were taking pictures, asking for interviews..ect. It was wonderful.
The theme was "Gay Families". What no one realized was, those who didnt have children, and gravitated more towards that hyper sexual shock value life style, really didnt know how to celebrate gay familes. Sooooo, just a few feet behind us, marching to "represent" gay familes were the same tired crap that I give an eye roll to every damn year.
There was even a float created by one of the leather bars with a naked man tied to a cross getting a dildo shoved up his ass in front of the whole crowd. This was just ONE example of the offensive sights. That parade was no more about gay families than the man on the moon. The parents of the grand Marshall who had come to support their son actually were so offended by the vulgar display of sexuality that they left before the parade finished.
The news coverage did not look any different than the years prior.
The drag queens, the strippers, the sexual explicit behavior..all present and accounted for...
and those were offended were such a small percentage of the numbers represented that our voices were not heard.The most offensive part was they even pretended that it was about gay families at all.
My question is:
If we really want equality, If we really want to be seen as equal and deserving of legal rights, is this really the smartest way to represent ourselves???
I am extremely liberal politically but wheather we like it or not, there is and always will be a very real conservative component to our society, there will always be conservative Christians and conservative republicans who will fight to the death to deny us our rights, so by contributing to these shock value media shows that so many gay boys seem to thrive on, aren't we just feeding right out of the hands of those who wish to oppress us?
All any Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh has to do is tune into any local liberal media news channel covering gay "pride" and say , "See?! I told you they were perverts!" Im not saying the answer is to all subscribe to some conservative notion that we all need to adhere by ,exhibiting complete american patriotic, traditional "family values."...but is it wise to pretend that it's not a balance either???
Since we are not "legally" a couple, Stephen is not considered my "next of kin". This becomes problematic in terms of making medical decisions, rights to legal property in the event of one of our deaths, ect. Without our wills and the cooperation of our families of origin , these would be potentially HUGE problems.
So why dont gays and lesbians have more equal rights? Why dont people see the value in gay familes?
The expected answer might be:
Conservative Republicans
Conservative Religious views
The lack of separation between church and state in our legal system
It MIGHT be those things, but you know what the biggest culrpite is , in my opinion?
Gay peeople.
Thats right, I think that we help to repress ourselves more than any republican ever could. My opinion is not a popular one, but here's my rational:
I dont know how many of you are involved or aware of any kind of gay culture, but if you attend any gay pride event in June, you will see that for many .."Gay Pride" equates a kind of no holds barred, sexually explicit, in your face, fuck you , kind of attitude with behavior to match. The media devours this, recycles it back into mainstream society and tells us "This is what a gay person is."
When we see the front page of the news paper. covering a gay pride event, or the 11 O'Clock news after a gay event.
You probably wont see:
the gay Dad's pushing strollers
or lesbian moms, little red wagons in tow.
Thats not to say that we (gay familes) arent there..we are. But we dont make the headlines. We dont fit the shock value element that main stream media dictates.
What you will undoubtedly see are:
the outrageous drag queens in heels and laced panties,
the muscle stripper boys, wearing G strings, sometimes less,
or other things like S&M leather scenes depicting public flogging and other sexual fetishes.
Now, let me digress and say that, I am NOT saying that these people dont have a place. Im also not saying that I think all these things are "bad" or even "wrong"
I don't think anything is that Black and White.
The complicated part is that I understand, historically, why certain groups behave the way they do. Gay people have been beaten, arrested, killed, harrased and denied rights all for being gay, and in some parts of the country still are, so, after the stonewall riots in the 60's, the gay community decided to fight back and have proven since, to be a forced to be reckoned with.
But I fear we have lost our way. I wonder what such gay pioneers such as Harvey Milk would say if he were alive today to see the Gay amusement park-like events that happen annually supposedly in the name of gay rights.
Many straight models of society would have you believe that my family is NOT a family.
Much of gay culture revolves around bars, partying, and venues that are NOT kid friendly at all.
So where does that leave gay families? Where do we fit in?
We are getting some of the rights we have fought so hard for..slowly, but there is yet a real environment for those changes to truly flourish.
Let me give some context to my soap box here.
Every year cities decide what the theme for their gay pride parade will be for that year. They gather people from the community and establish committees to decide what is most appropriate and what most accurately reflects what is happening in gay culture for that area.
Lat year Columbus Ohio chose "Gay Families" at the theme for their celebration. I was elated! I thought, FINALLY! People would really see that there is a whole other side to gay culture that wasn't so risque but just as normal as any heterosexual family. I just felt like, finally, me and my family would be represented.
We marched in the parade and were at the head of the parade. all around us were gay families with kids holding signs saying "I love Daddy and Papa" or "I love my two Moms" I was overcome..several times. I teared up more than I can tell you. People were taking pictures, asking for interviews..ect. It was wonderful.
The theme was "Gay Families". What no one realized was, those who didnt have children, and gravitated more towards that hyper sexual shock value life style, really didnt know how to celebrate gay familes. Sooooo, just a few feet behind us, marching to "represent" gay familes were the same tired crap that I give an eye roll to every damn year.
There was even a float created by one of the leather bars with a naked man tied to a cross getting a dildo shoved up his ass in front of the whole crowd. This was just ONE example of the offensive sights. That parade was no more about gay families than the man on the moon. The parents of the grand Marshall who had come to support their son actually were so offended by the vulgar display of sexuality that they left before the parade finished.
The news coverage did not look any different than the years prior.
The drag queens, the strippers, the sexual explicit behavior..all present and accounted for...
and those were offended were such a small percentage of the numbers represented that our voices were not heard.The most offensive part was they even pretended that it was about gay families at all.
My question is:
If we really want equality, If we really want to be seen as equal and deserving of legal rights, is this really the smartest way to represent ourselves???
I am extremely liberal politically but wheather we like it or not, there is and always will be a very real conservative component to our society, there will always be conservative Christians and conservative republicans who will fight to the death to deny us our rights, so by contributing to these shock value media shows that so many gay boys seem to thrive on, aren't we just feeding right out of the hands of those who wish to oppress us?
All any Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh has to do is tune into any local liberal media news channel covering gay "pride" and say , "See?! I told you they were perverts!" Im not saying the answer is to all subscribe to some conservative notion that we all need to adhere by ,exhibiting complete american patriotic, traditional "family values."...but is it wise to pretend that it's not a balance either???
Saturday, January 22, 2011
adoption journey
I'll admit that this entry is primarily for friends of Rhea , who know and care about her. I want you all to get to know my family and know that we are normal sane people.lol
There has been so much that has happened that has led me to where i am. It's important for me to share these things because I wish I had known then what I know now and if what Ive discovered can help others, then the trepidations are well worth it:) so id like to say a little bit about the path that led me here.
I was in a ten year relationship and living in San Francisco. It was a relationship that worked for a long time for many reason and like so many others, in 2005, reached a point where it just stop working. The main problem was that my biological clock was ticking so loud it was keeping me up at night. He had no interest in being tied down with children and thought I was crazy for wanting one of those self absorbed crying poop machines...but I did, more than anything :)
I think, in retrospect, that was one of the reasons I had such a difficult time coming out years prior; because in my heart, Ive always known I was going to be someones Dad. Like so many others, I thought that being gay would prevent that.
I packed up a uhaul trailer, loaded up my two welsh corgis, Luna and Sol and through my tears, my fears and my determination and I moved back home to Ohio. I wanted to adopt and had made up my mind that I didnt need a man to complete me, so I set my mind to do it alone. and I did. All I asked for was the support of my family.
I really wanted a new born. I got connected with a local adoption agency and started the process soon after I got a job and bought a house, which amazingly happened relatively quickly all things considered. Getting settled and lending some thought to my life, I soon realized that I couldnt meet the needs of a newborn.
The adoption agency was not discriminatory but I did realize that no one is handing out newborns to single gay men either. I filled out surveys outlining what kind of child i wanted and what kind i didnt. That was awkward enough to fill out but didn't compare to the horrible task of searching through online profiles of available kids across the country. 9 months into my search (ironically, lol) I came across a little 9 year old Mexican boy named Esequiel (Ee-zee-key-ul) When i was in high school, and dreamt of having a son, this was actually a name i had picked out ! LOL..so of course the profile caught my eye. As I read on, I read past the ADD and I read past the behavior problems and the learning disabilities and dyslexia and saw that he was born in Phoenix Arizona at the exact same time that I lived there! We were even in the same county. He needed me and I needed him.
I notified and convinced the powers that be that I was supposed to be this boys father and two moths later I found myself on a plane to texas to pick up my son.
We spent a few days together and I quickly learned that we was really bonded with his foster brother, Eddie. They had lived in the same foster home for several years. The had each lost all their biological siblings and were all each other had..aaaaaand *that* is how I ended up adopting two mexican boys when I thought I was getting one:)
Years past and the boys and I learned more about being sons and father that any of us thought we would. Those years were hard on my own but i wouldnt trade them for anything.
I met Stephen while singing with the Columbus Gay mens chorus. We quickly saw we wanted all the same things, fell in love and ascended yet another hill on this rollercoster ride.
"Dad and Stephen" soon became "Dad and Papa". McDonalds drive through soon became home cooked sit down meals around the table and the frantic scramblings of a single Dad trying to get things done soon became two parents balancing things out together..equally..together, and I smiled.
A bit later Stephen and i decided to become foster parents. We wanted to help other children find their forever families and be a part of that process of being a temporary family for kids who really need one.
We got THE most adorable toddlers. Now, at this point, remember that we had only parented pre teens who were now teenagers. But much like parenting any child, we did what most people do, you hit the ground running, do the best you can and cross bridges as you get to them.
(please keep in mind that I am GROSSLY summarizing and editing many many years of detail, just to give you a little context lol)
The toddlers had no family and had bonded with us so much that..you guessed it, they asked us to adopt them lol
Im a graduate student in a social work program and ive had several years experience working as a case worker for children's services so I think that really helped us out.
Ok ok ok so lets get caught up tp current day..lol.. soooo
Through out this entire story, Stephen and I observed and come to realize that, yes we have 4 beautiful children who have overcome enormous obstacles and have flourished beyond anyone's predictions, yet a few things remain..no matter what we do
1. Our older kids actually remember the sexual abuse, physical abuse and neglect they suffered.
2. We will never have memories of any of our kids' firsts ( tooth, word, step)
3. Even the young ones will have life long consequences of their birthmother having used drugs and alcohol throughout her entire pregnancies.
4. All our children suffered, and by some bizzare cosmic logic, only were able to be OUR children AFTER they suffered at someone elses hand. They paid a very high price, and we, as parents misse dout on soooo much of their lives.
We want this one last opportunity to experience the miracle of a child from that very first day. That first time they look into your eyes and you tell them that you will never ever let anything bad happen to them and you'll love them forever and ever.
We can shower our children with all the love and opportunities in the world and we can NEVER changed whats happened to them. It kills me.
We prayed for a chance to start from day one, and then we met Rhea.
God bless you Rhea.
xo
There has been so much that has happened that has led me to where i am. It's important for me to share these things because I wish I had known then what I know now and if what Ive discovered can help others, then the trepidations are well worth it:) so id like to say a little bit about the path that led me here.
I was in a ten year relationship and living in San Francisco. It was a relationship that worked for a long time for many reason and like so many others, in 2005, reached a point where it just stop working. The main problem was that my biological clock was ticking so loud it was keeping me up at night. He had no interest in being tied down with children and thought I was crazy for wanting one of those self absorbed crying poop machines...but I did, more than anything :)
I think, in retrospect, that was one of the reasons I had such a difficult time coming out years prior; because in my heart, Ive always known I was going to be someones Dad. Like so many others, I thought that being gay would prevent that.
I packed up a uhaul trailer, loaded up my two welsh corgis, Luna and Sol and through my tears, my fears and my determination and I moved back home to Ohio. I wanted to adopt and had made up my mind that I didnt need a man to complete me, so I set my mind to do it alone. and I did. All I asked for was the support of my family.
I really wanted a new born. I got connected with a local adoption agency and started the process soon after I got a job and bought a house, which amazingly happened relatively quickly all things considered. Getting settled and lending some thought to my life, I soon realized that I couldnt meet the needs of a newborn.
The adoption agency was not discriminatory but I did realize that no one is handing out newborns to single gay men either. I filled out surveys outlining what kind of child i wanted and what kind i didnt. That was awkward enough to fill out but didn't compare to the horrible task of searching through online profiles of available kids across the country. 9 months into my search (ironically, lol) I came across a little 9 year old Mexican boy named Esequiel (Ee-zee-key-ul) When i was in high school, and dreamt of having a son, this was actually a name i had picked out ! LOL..so of course the profile caught my eye. As I read on, I read past the ADD and I read past the behavior problems and the learning disabilities and dyslexia and saw that he was born in Phoenix Arizona at the exact same time that I lived there! We were even in the same county. He needed me and I needed him.
I notified and convinced the powers that be that I was supposed to be this boys father and two moths later I found myself on a plane to texas to pick up my son.
We spent a few days together and I quickly learned that we was really bonded with his foster brother, Eddie. They had lived in the same foster home for several years. The had each lost all their biological siblings and were all each other had..aaaaaand *that* is how I ended up adopting two mexican boys when I thought I was getting one:)
Years past and the boys and I learned more about being sons and father that any of us thought we would. Those years were hard on my own but i wouldnt trade them for anything.
I met Stephen while singing with the Columbus Gay mens chorus. We quickly saw we wanted all the same things, fell in love and ascended yet another hill on this rollercoster ride.
"Dad and Stephen" soon became "Dad and Papa". McDonalds drive through soon became home cooked sit down meals around the table and the frantic scramblings of a single Dad trying to get things done soon became two parents balancing things out together..equally..together, and I smiled.
A bit later Stephen and i decided to become foster parents. We wanted to help other children find their forever families and be a part of that process of being a temporary family for kids who really need one.
We got THE most adorable toddlers. Now, at this point, remember that we had only parented pre teens who were now teenagers. But much like parenting any child, we did what most people do, you hit the ground running, do the best you can and cross bridges as you get to them.
(please keep in mind that I am GROSSLY summarizing and editing many many years of detail, just to give you a little context lol)
The toddlers had no family and had bonded with us so much that..you guessed it, they asked us to adopt them lol
Im a graduate student in a social work program and ive had several years experience working as a case worker for children's services so I think that really helped us out.
Ok ok ok so lets get caught up tp current day..lol.. soooo
Through out this entire story, Stephen and I observed and come to realize that, yes we have 4 beautiful children who have overcome enormous obstacles and have flourished beyond anyone's predictions, yet a few things remain..no matter what we do
1. Our older kids actually remember the sexual abuse, physical abuse and neglect they suffered.
2. We will never have memories of any of our kids' firsts ( tooth, word, step)
3. Even the young ones will have life long consequences of their birthmother having used drugs and alcohol throughout her entire pregnancies.
4. All our children suffered, and by some bizzare cosmic logic, only were able to be OUR children AFTER they suffered at someone elses hand. They paid a very high price, and we, as parents misse dout on soooo much of their lives.
We want this one last opportunity to experience the miracle of a child from that very first day. That first time they look into your eyes and you tell them that you will never ever let anything bad happen to them and you'll love them forever and ever.
We can shower our children with all the love and opportunities in the world and we can NEVER changed whats happened to them. It kills me.
We prayed for a chance to start from day one, and then we met Rhea.
God bless you Rhea.
xo
Friday, January 21, 2011
Some Background
This is something that I have wanted to do for a long time. Recently something has come into my life that has propelled me to share my thoughts. (I'll get to that) Ive always been a very opinionated person. I feel passionate about many things; some very controversial, some very traditional.
First a little background :
Im also a very forward person. I say *exactly* whats on my mind. Many people in my life respect it and others, not so much:) I will add, however, that although I don't like to edit myself, I also feel I am really good at being diplomatic. I'm not an ass, but I also don't sugar coat unnecessarily. I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I get annoyed at wishy washy people or folks who are false or pretentious. NO time for that crap. Move on.
I'm gay, but I didn't feel the need to say that in the 1st paragraph because that is not what defines me. I am many things and my sexuality, while an essential part, is just that; a part. I think its rather ironic that I am in fact gay, because , truth be told, I don't prefer a lot of gay company. I thrive on diversity and while the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender) community is an important, i've yet to feel a part of it, and that's okay. This is a portion of much bigger conversation that I will elaborate on later, but I'll just say that gay rights are paramount to me. I struggle, however, with how most gay groups represent themselves. I think so much of what "we" do is counter productive to what we say we all want: equality. As I said, we'll get back to that one at a later time.
I am the father of four beautiful boys. Two, I adopted on my own 5 years ago ( now ages 16 ..Eddie and Esequiel ,14.) and two toddlers, ages 4 and 5, Marcus & Juan. My partner Stephen and I became foster parents last year. Our first placement was Marcus and Juan and we just couldnt let them go. They have become such a part of our family and the "Daddy I love you's" "Can I have a hug/kiss?" (insert puppy dog eyes here:)) was a clear message to us that they belong right where they are..at home.
In the first paragraph I mentioned that something has happened that propelled me to start this process. I will paraphrase it with this: The one thing that has always brought me pain about adopting older kids is that I missed so much. I missed the first tooth, the first step, the first word. Even more troubling is the amount of trauma my children have experienced in these years where we were not together. Their lives would have looked very different had I been there from the beginning. Because of this, I have longed for an infant. I will never have kindergarten pictures of two teenagers. I cannot change the fact that my two younger children will spend their lives dealing with fetal alcohol issues. It hurts more than I can articulate, to hear my children's sentences that begin with "...when i was in fostercare."
Recently the universe has crossed our paths with a beautiful woman who has chosen to be a surrogate for us! We had much heart ache in our search to adopt a baby, met with enormous financial barriers (they may as well just say these babies are "for sale" ..its sickening)..but here is this woman, who has recently become a great friend and she wants to do this for us, using her own egg, simply because it's something she's always wanted to do. The words that I would need to describe our gratitude, excitement, and amazement is quite honestly just beyond my grasp. I hope one day that she comes to know what joy, what love and what a tremendous selfless thing she is doing for us. We can never repay it. It's overwhelming and humbling.
All for now,
I hope you've enjoyed a sneak peek into my life and I hope you'll visit again soon :)
Donny
First a little background :
Im also a very forward person. I say *exactly* whats on my mind. Many people in my life respect it and others, not so much:) I will add, however, that although I don't like to edit myself, I also feel I am really good at being diplomatic. I'm not an ass, but I also don't sugar coat unnecessarily. I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I get annoyed at wishy washy people or folks who are false or pretentious. NO time for that crap. Move on.
I'm gay, but I didn't feel the need to say that in the 1st paragraph because that is not what defines me. I am many things and my sexuality, while an essential part, is just that; a part. I think its rather ironic that I am in fact gay, because , truth be told, I don't prefer a lot of gay company. I thrive on diversity and while the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender) community is an important, i've yet to feel a part of it, and that's okay. This is a portion of much bigger conversation that I will elaborate on later, but I'll just say that gay rights are paramount to me. I struggle, however, with how most gay groups represent themselves. I think so much of what "we" do is counter productive to what we say we all want: equality. As I said, we'll get back to that one at a later time.
I am the father of four beautiful boys. Two, I adopted on my own 5 years ago ( now ages 16 ..Eddie and Esequiel ,14.) and two toddlers, ages 4 and 5, Marcus & Juan. My partner Stephen and I became foster parents last year. Our first placement was Marcus and Juan and we just couldnt let them go. They have become such a part of our family and the "Daddy I love you's" "Can I have a hug/kiss?" (insert puppy dog eyes here:)) was a clear message to us that they belong right where they are..at home.
In the first paragraph I mentioned that something has happened that propelled me to start this process. I will paraphrase it with this: The one thing that has always brought me pain about adopting older kids is that I missed so much. I missed the first tooth, the first step, the first word. Even more troubling is the amount of trauma my children have experienced in these years where we were not together. Their lives would have looked very different had I been there from the beginning. Because of this, I have longed for an infant. I will never have kindergarten pictures of two teenagers. I cannot change the fact that my two younger children will spend their lives dealing with fetal alcohol issues. It hurts more than I can articulate, to hear my children's sentences that begin with "...when i was in fostercare."
Recently the universe has crossed our paths with a beautiful woman who has chosen to be a surrogate for us! We had much heart ache in our search to adopt a baby, met with enormous financial barriers (they may as well just say these babies are "for sale" ..its sickening)..but here is this woman, who has recently become a great friend and she wants to do this for us, using her own egg, simply because it's something she's always wanted to do. The words that I would need to describe our gratitude, excitement, and amazement is quite honestly just beyond my grasp. I hope one day that she comes to know what joy, what love and what a tremendous selfless thing she is doing for us. We can never repay it. It's overwhelming and humbling.
All for now,
I hope you've enjoyed a sneak peek into my life and I hope you'll visit again soon :)
Donny
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