I have always been of the mind set that people who are in our lives are there for a reason. Nothing is random. Some are with us our entire lives, some a few years, others less than that.
I believe once we have learned/experienced what we were supposed to have, and the need for that person in our lives is gone..they will be too. The exit itself may be in the form of a death, a conflict or some other event that brings on the actual departure or separation.
I think the hard part is, as social creatures, we have a REAL hard time with being left on our journey. When there is conflict, we blame, we justify and we argue and we express our pain about that conflict and those who have wronged us. Perhaps they were "supposed" to have wronged us, otherwise we wouldnt let them go..when in fact it was time to do so...Wouldnt it be easier to take a step back and consider the possibility that whatever is happening could be because their "job" in our lives (or ours in theirs) is complete?
I know, much easier said than done, and if anyone does NOT have a handle on how to do this it is me! LOL..especially in the moment. It's only later when I get those "ah ha" moments that I can see the value in the departure, let go of my resentment, and wish them well, *even if the sentiment isnt returned*...it doesnt matter.
In the past 6 months or so, I have seen people leave my life, through death, personality conflict, situational conflict, and sometimes even just a matter of drifting apart.. yes it hurts and yes it can lend itself to resentment, but I have to believe that things are happening the way they should.
Most of you know that we are no longer on our path to surrogacy, and while that was hard, maybe we went on that very brief journey because we needed some hope, we needed to consider the possibilities, I dont know. I dont understand it now, and thats Okay.
Ive always been fascinated by interpersonal dynamics, which is a bit ironic because sometimes, I wish I conducted myself with a bit more confidence, conviction and setting of boundaries. (particularly the latter)In my heart I know what is right for me and what is not, its just a matter of learning how to apply that more efficiently I guess.
I have NEVER been the kind of person who has had, or has ever felt comfortable with the idea of having, large circles of friends. The sheer idea of trying to understand and navigate that many personalities is maddening to me! lol
Managing a couple friendships..close friendships is MORE than enough for me. I keep hearing myself say that I , in general, dont really like people, I prefer animals because they make more sense to me. This is true.
Its nothing short of ironic that I am a social worker lol I sometimes think Im in this profession because I think "okay, look, if I have to deal and relate to other humans then im gong to have to devote a lifetime to understanding them" LOL
People make things *way* too complicated and chaotic when there is little need for either.
At the moment I guess Im feeling a little raw at some recent departures..as much as I see the picture, or at least try to , I cant help to fantasize about getting our farm, and not being able to visibly see a neighbor. Focusing on my children, what we all, as a family, bring into one another's lives and how ot better understand that, and let the people outside, be right where they are, outside.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Dark
When it gets dark, it gets dark.
Some people have said that I am talented, a good Dad, and many other wonderful things. I do have a dark side..I get wickedly depressed.
Been *really* struggling the past couple of weeks. I can usually do what I need to do to keep me going till I feel better.
Its hard, and in retrospect I usually look back and see that I had plenty of positive motivation right under my nose...Im sure Ill look back on this in a few weeks and see the same here..but for now, ..it is what it is.
It gets so dark that that I can't see...so dark that I don't want to. It's nothing that happened per se, I just look around and see all the little things that need improving, fixing, or changed in some way and they seem to stick out like sore thumbs screaming at me that I have failed by someone or another's standards.
I know how i feel is predominantly chemical but it seems that when this comes on there are always things in my environment that exacerbate it. Here are a few..
My 4 year old Juan is a little dare devil who gets scrapes, cuts and bumps on a daily basis sometimes. A few months ago he was in the hospital twice in two consecutive months getting stitches from just being a tough clumpsy kid. I explained to the school and the caseworker what happened, on both occasions, and all understood and it was a non issue...since that time I have made a few enemies at their school ( I tend to do that , most parents who hold educators to high standards at this school district, do , actually)..anyway, long story, short, Juan got a black eye from wrestling with Esequiel and the school decidedes to report it to children's services. The caseworker knows me well and knows the children well so it was dropped as soon as it began, and f course I was told that I shouldnt personalize it..lol, how can I not??
When i confront the school, of course it is a "surprise" to them and magically no one knows who called and no one knows anything about it. (which pissed me ff more than anything)
Because Juan is technically still in fostercare, I have all kinds of people to answer to, its a pain in the ass.
Our surrogacy has been put off for about a year, it might happen them or maybe not at all. Its a hard thing to take a step back from after all the emotions were right on the surface..but we dont have a choice. Circumstance in Rhea's life dictate that it cant happen right now.
Then there are the teens..
Eddie is usually a source of contention for me, I often struggle with his disability as it typically lends itself to quite a bit of childish, defiant acting out behavior, even though he's nearly 17..Im not sure he will ever really be 17 no matter what I do or not. Sometimes it feels like the more I try with Eddie, the worse he gets so I usually end up backing off feeling like Ive failed before I even start.
With Esequiel, I really got feedback, appreciation, and tangible results of hard parenting..which is also why he decides to not be mature and actually act his age and be a defiant teenager, it cuts to the bone.
I expect more from him..because he's capable of it.
Unfortunately this also means that he has the ability to crush my heart with his disrespect when those evil aliens from the planet called Puberty, temporarily steal his brain.
When Im struggling with my own depression, all these things just get amplified and sound like they are all screaming in my ear, ..so loud that I cant hear anything else
Some people have said that I am talented, a good Dad, and many other wonderful things. I do have a dark side..I get wickedly depressed.
Been *really* struggling the past couple of weeks. I can usually do what I need to do to keep me going till I feel better.
Its hard, and in retrospect I usually look back and see that I had plenty of positive motivation right under my nose...Im sure Ill look back on this in a few weeks and see the same here..but for now, ..it is what it is.
It gets so dark that that I can't see...so dark that I don't want to. It's nothing that happened per se, I just look around and see all the little things that need improving, fixing, or changed in some way and they seem to stick out like sore thumbs screaming at me that I have failed by someone or another's standards.
I know how i feel is predominantly chemical but it seems that when this comes on there are always things in my environment that exacerbate it. Here are a few..
My 4 year old Juan is a little dare devil who gets scrapes, cuts and bumps on a daily basis sometimes. A few months ago he was in the hospital twice in two consecutive months getting stitches from just being a tough clumpsy kid. I explained to the school and the caseworker what happened, on both occasions, and all understood and it was a non issue...since that time I have made a few enemies at their school ( I tend to do that , most parents who hold educators to high standards at this school district, do , actually)..anyway, long story, short, Juan got a black eye from wrestling with Esequiel and the school decidedes to report it to children's services. The caseworker knows me well and knows the children well so it was dropped as soon as it began, and f course I was told that I shouldnt personalize it..lol, how can I not??
When i confront the school, of course it is a "surprise" to them and magically no one knows who called and no one knows anything about it. (which pissed me ff more than anything)
Because Juan is technically still in fostercare, I have all kinds of people to answer to, its a pain in the ass.
Our surrogacy has been put off for about a year, it might happen them or maybe not at all. Its a hard thing to take a step back from after all the emotions were right on the surface..but we dont have a choice. Circumstance in Rhea's life dictate that it cant happen right now.
Then there are the teens..
Eddie is usually a source of contention for me, I often struggle with his disability as it typically lends itself to quite a bit of childish, defiant acting out behavior, even though he's nearly 17..Im not sure he will ever really be 17 no matter what I do or not. Sometimes it feels like the more I try with Eddie, the worse he gets so I usually end up backing off feeling like Ive failed before I even start.
With Esequiel, I really got feedback, appreciation, and tangible results of hard parenting..which is also why he decides to not be mature and actually act his age and be a defiant teenager, it cuts to the bone.
I expect more from him..because he's capable of it.
Unfortunately this also means that he has the ability to crush my heart with his disrespect when those evil aliens from the planet called Puberty, temporarily steal his brain.
When Im struggling with my own depression, all these things just get amplified and sound like they are all screaming in my ear, ..so loud that I cant hear anything else
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Items needed
We are a new wild animal rescue non profit called Noah's Arc Inc. We are licensed to take in small mammals and are in need of items such as:
various sizes cages,
baby blankets,
heating pads,
stethoscopes,
syringes,
nipples,
containers for mixing formula
measuring spoons nets
If you have any of these items and have no need for them PLEASE consider recycling them with our organization so that we may do our part in preserving the wildlife in Ohio!
Spring is upon us and its also the season when young animals are orphaned and desperately need us!
various sizes cages,
baby blankets,
heating pads,
stethoscopes,
syringes,
nipples,
containers for mixing formula
measuring spoons nets
If you have any of these items and have no need for them PLEASE consider recycling them with our organization so that we may do our part in preserving the wildlife in Ohio!
Spring is upon us and its also the season when young animals are orphaned and desperately need us!
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