Dark

When it gets dark, it gets dark.
Some people have said that I am talented, a good Dad, and many other wonderful things. I do have a dark side..I get wickedly depressed.
Been *really* struggling the past couple of weeks.  I can usually do what I need to do to keep me going till I feel better.
Its hard, and in retrospect I usually look back and see that I had plenty of positive motivation right under my nose...Im sure Ill look back on this in a few weeks and see the same here..but for now, ..it is what it is.
It gets so dark that that I can't see...so dark that I don't want to. It's nothing that happened per se, I just look around and see all the little things that need improving, fixing, or changed in some way and they  seem to stick out like sore thumbs screaming at me that I have failed by someone or another's standards.
I know how i feel is predominantly chemical but it seems that when this comes on there are always things in my environment that exacerbate it.  Here are a few..
My 4 year old Juan is a little dare devil who gets scrapes, cuts and bumps on a daily basis sometimes. A few months ago he was in the hospital twice in two consecutive months getting stitches from just being a tough clumpsy kid. I explained to the school and the caseworker what happened, on both occasions, and all understood and it was a non issue...since that time I have made a few enemies at their school ( I tend to do that , most parents who hold educators to high standards at this school district, do , actually)..anyway, long story, short, Juan got a black eye from wrestling with Esequiel and the school decidedes to report it to children's services. The caseworker knows me well and knows the children well so it was dropped as soon as it began, and f course I was told that I shouldnt personalize it..lol, how can I not??
When i confront the school, of course it is a "surprise" to them and magically no one knows who called and no one knows anything about it. (which pissed me ff more than anything)
Because Juan is technically still in fostercare, I have all kinds of people to answer to, its a pain in the ass.
Our surrogacy has been put off for about a year, it might happen them or maybe not at all. Its a hard thing to take a step back from after all the emotions were right on the surface..but we dont have a choice. Circumstance in Rhea's life dictate that it cant happen right now.
Then there are the teens..
Eddie is usually a source of contention for me, I often struggle with his disability as it typically lends itself to quite a bit of childish, defiant acting out behavior, even though he's nearly 17..Im not sure he will ever really be 17 no matter what I do or not. Sometimes it feels like the more I try with Eddie, the worse he gets so I usually end up backing off feeling like Ive failed before I even start.
With Esequiel, I really got feedback, appreciation, and tangible results of hard parenting..which is also why he decides to not be mature and actually act his age and be a defiant teenager, it cuts to the bone.
I expect more from him..because he's capable of it.
Unfortunately this also means that he has the ability to crush my heart with his disrespect when those evil aliens from the planet called Puberty, temporarily steal his brain.
When Im struggling with my own depression, all these things just get amplified and sound like they are all screaming in my ear,  ..so loud that I cant hear anything else