I have always been of the mind set that people who are in our lives are there for a reason. Nothing is random. Some are with us our entire lives, some a few years, others less than that.
I believe once we have learned/experienced what we were supposed to have, and the need for that person in our lives is gone..they will be too. The exit itself may be in the form of a death, a conflict or some other event that brings on the actual departure or separation.
I think the hard part is, as social creatures, we have a REAL hard time with being left on our journey. When there is conflict, we blame, we justify and we argue and we express our pain about that conflict and those who have wronged us. Perhaps they were "supposed" to have wronged us, otherwise we wouldnt let them go..when in fact it was time to do so...Wouldnt it be easier to take a step back and consider the possibility that whatever is happening could be because their "job" in our lives (or ours in theirs) is complete?
I know, much easier said than done, and if anyone does NOT have a handle on how to do this it is me! LOL..especially in the moment. It's only later when I get those "ah ha" moments that I can see the value in the departure, let go of my resentment, and wish them well, *even if the sentiment isnt returned*...it doesnt matter.
In the past 6 months or so, I have seen people leave my life, through death, personality conflict, situational conflict, and sometimes even just a matter of drifting apart.. yes it hurts and yes it can lend itself to resentment, but I have to believe that things are happening the way they should.
Most of you know that we are no longer on our path to surrogacy, and while that was hard, maybe we went on that very brief journey because we needed some hope, we needed to consider the possibilities, I dont know. I dont understand it now, and thats Okay.
Ive always been fascinated by interpersonal dynamics, which is a bit ironic because sometimes, I wish I conducted myself with a bit more confidence, conviction and setting of boundaries. (particularly the latter)In my heart I know what is right for me and what is not, its just a matter of learning how to apply that more efficiently I guess.
I have NEVER been the kind of person who has had, or has ever felt comfortable with the idea of having, large circles of friends. The sheer idea of trying to understand and navigate that many personalities is maddening to me! lol
Managing a couple friendships..close friendships is MORE than enough for me. I keep hearing myself say that I , in general, dont really like people, I prefer animals because they make more sense to me. This is true.
Its nothing short of ironic that I am a social worker lol I sometimes think Im in this profession because I think "okay, look, if I have to deal and relate to other humans then im gong to have to devote a lifetime to understanding them" LOL
People make things *way* too complicated and chaotic when there is little need for either.
At the moment I guess Im feeling a little raw at some recent departures..as much as I see the picture, or at least try to , I cant help to fantasize about getting our farm, and not being able to visibly see a neighbor. Focusing on my children, what we all, as a family, bring into one another's lives and how ot better understand that, and let the people outside, be right where they are, outside.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Dark
When it gets dark, it gets dark.
Some people have said that I am talented, a good Dad, and many other wonderful things. I do have a dark side..I get wickedly depressed.
Been *really* struggling the past couple of weeks. I can usually do what I need to do to keep me going till I feel better.
Its hard, and in retrospect I usually look back and see that I had plenty of positive motivation right under my nose...Im sure Ill look back on this in a few weeks and see the same here..but for now, ..it is what it is.
It gets so dark that that I can't see...so dark that I don't want to. It's nothing that happened per se, I just look around and see all the little things that need improving, fixing, or changed in some way and they seem to stick out like sore thumbs screaming at me that I have failed by someone or another's standards.
I know how i feel is predominantly chemical but it seems that when this comes on there are always things in my environment that exacerbate it. Here are a few..
My 4 year old Juan is a little dare devil who gets scrapes, cuts and bumps on a daily basis sometimes. A few months ago he was in the hospital twice in two consecutive months getting stitches from just being a tough clumpsy kid. I explained to the school and the caseworker what happened, on both occasions, and all understood and it was a non issue...since that time I have made a few enemies at their school ( I tend to do that , most parents who hold educators to high standards at this school district, do , actually)..anyway, long story, short, Juan got a black eye from wrestling with Esequiel and the school decidedes to report it to children's services. The caseworker knows me well and knows the children well so it was dropped as soon as it began, and f course I was told that I shouldnt personalize it..lol, how can I not??
When i confront the school, of course it is a "surprise" to them and magically no one knows who called and no one knows anything about it. (which pissed me ff more than anything)
Because Juan is technically still in fostercare, I have all kinds of people to answer to, its a pain in the ass.
Our surrogacy has been put off for about a year, it might happen them or maybe not at all. Its a hard thing to take a step back from after all the emotions were right on the surface..but we dont have a choice. Circumstance in Rhea's life dictate that it cant happen right now.
Then there are the teens..
Eddie is usually a source of contention for me, I often struggle with his disability as it typically lends itself to quite a bit of childish, defiant acting out behavior, even though he's nearly 17..Im not sure he will ever really be 17 no matter what I do or not. Sometimes it feels like the more I try with Eddie, the worse he gets so I usually end up backing off feeling like Ive failed before I even start.
With Esequiel, I really got feedback, appreciation, and tangible results of hard parenting..which is also why he decides to not be mature and actually act his age and be a defiant teenager, it cuts to the bone.
I expect more from him..because he's capable of it.
Unfortunately this also means that he has the ability to crush my heart with his disrespect when those evil aliens from the planet called Puberty, temporarily steal his brain.
When Im struggling with my own depression, all these things just get amplified and sound like they are all screaming in my ear, ..so loud that I cant hear anything else
Some people have said that I am talented, a good Dad, and many other wonderful things. I do have a dark side..I get wickedly depressed.
Been *really* struggling the past couple of weeks. I can usually do what I need to do to keep me going till I feel better.
Its hard, and in retrospect I usually look back and see that I had plenty of positive motivation right under my nose...Im sure Ill look back on this in a few weeks and see the same here..but for now, ..it is what it is.
It gets so dark that that I can't see...so dark that I don't want to. It's nothing that happened per se, I just look around and see all the little things that need improving, fixing, or changed in some way and they seem to stick out like sore thumbs screaming at me that I have failed by someone or another's standards.
I know how i feel is predominantly chemical but it seems that when this comes on there are always things in my environment that exacerbate it. Here are a few..
My 4 year old Juan is a little dare devil who gets scrapes, cuts and bumps on a daily basis sometimes. A few months ago he was in the hospital twice in two consecutive months getting stitches from just being a tough clumpsy kid. I explained to the school and the caseworker what happened, on both occasions, and all understood and it was a non issue...since that time I have made a few enemies at their school ( I tend to do that , most parents who hold educators to high standards at this school district, do , actually)..anyway, long story, short, Juan got a black eye from wrestling with Esequiel and the school decidedes to report it to children's services. The caseworker knows me well and knows the children well so it was dropped as soon as it began, and f course I was told that I shouldnt personalize it..lol, how can I not??
When i confront the school, of course it is a "surprise" to them and magically no one knows who called and no one knows anything about it. (which pissed me ff more than anything)
Because Juan is technically still in fostercare, I have all kinds of people to answer to, its a pain in the ass.
Our surrogacy has been put off for about a year, it might happen them or maybe not at all. Its a hard thing to take a step back from after all the emotions were right on the surface..but we dont have a choice. Circumstance in Rhea's life dictate that it cant happen right now.
Then there are the teens..
Eddie is usually a source of contention for me, I often struggle with his disability as it typically lends itself to quite a bit of childish, defiant acting out behavior, even though he's nearly 17..Im not sure he will ever really be 17 no matter what I do or not. Sometimes it feels like the more I try with Eddie, the worse he gets so I usually end up backing off feeling like Ive failed before I even start.
With Esequiel, I really got feedback, appreciation, and tangible results of hard parenting..which is also why he decides to not be mature and actually act his age and be a defiant teenager, it cuts to the bone.
I expect more from him..because he's capable of it.
Unfortunately this also means that he has the ability to crush my heart with his disrespect when those evil aliens from the planet called Puberty, temporarily steal his brain.
When Im struggling with my own depression, all these things just get amplified and sound like they are all screaming in my ear, ..so loud that I cant hear anything else
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Items needed
We are a new wild animal rescue non profit called Noah's Arc Inc. We are licensed to take in small mammals and are in need of items such as:
various sizes cages,
baby blankets,
heating pads,
stethoscopes,
syringes,
nipples,
containers for mixing formula
measuring spoons nets
If you have any of these items and have no need for them PLEASE consider recycling them with our organization so that we may do our part in preserving the wildlife in Ohio!
Spring is upon us and its also the season when young animals are orphaned and desperately need us!
various sizes cages,
baby blankets,
heating pads,
stethoscopes,
syringes,
nipples,
containers for mixing formula
measuring spoons nets
If you have any of these items and have no need for them PLEASE consider recycling them with our organization so that we may do our part in preserving the wildlife in Ohio!
Spring is upon us and its also the season when young animals are orphaned and desperately need us!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
What was the best part of YOUR day?
So often , around the dinner table, Id ask my teenagers, "How was your day" or "How was school" ..and of course to these closed ended questions, i got one word answers like "fine" boring" or Nuthin" ..lol Ooooook, so then i tried my open ended questions, trying to solicit some conversation from these beings that just a few years ago would talk my ear off. Of course now that there are teenagers, I sometimes get the feeling that Im just not "hip" enough to possibly understand their feelings because they have no idea that I , too, have experienced teen aged angst once upon a time :)
Now, dont get me wrong, the aliens havent totally taken over their brains. Its just once in a while that they turn into these young men I dont know lol. Most of the time they are very commnicative..for the most part.
So then, I tried open ended questions like , "Tell me about your day" and that got me answers like. "It was fine" . "It was boring" LOL...
Then i thought of a movie I once saw with Michelle Pfiefer and Harrison Ford. I forget the name of it, but basically it was about this dysfunctional marriage..they fought A LOT ..kind of depressing actually. BUT there was ONE scene that has stuck with me for years that i do with my own family to this day:
So after a long day, a long fight, or no matter how awful they had been to one another..the family would sit around the dinner table, and the father (Harrison Ford) would ask each of then two questions:
1.What was the best part of your day?
2. What was the worst part of your day?
The "fine"'s and the "boring"'s turned into articulated opinions and thoughts expressed with passion and purpose.
Each family member can answer however they like, say whatever they want. It may sound simple and maybe even cheesy that i had to get something so simple sounding from a movie, but it has been AMAZING the thoughts, feelings and opinions I have gotten out of my children; the little ones as well as the teenagers. and its gotten to the point where my older kids will ask me, "Dad, what was the best part of YOUR day?..sometimes without my even soliciting it...it has become something THEY want and see value in...not just me.
More times than not, when asked what the best part of my day has been I will typically say, "this..right now" because there is nothing more intimate..more real than getting the chance to crawl inside their heads for a moment, inside their hearts, and see that there is a place where we can all find one another again, after the bullies at school, after the commutes to work, after all the things they are sure I could never understand, we can find one another again and be reminded that WE ARE A FAMILY, no matter what anyone else says or believes.
Now, dont get me wrong, the aliens havent totally taken over their brains. Its just once in a while that they turn into these young men I dont know lol. Most of the time they are very commnicative..for the most part.
So then, I tried open ended questions like , "Tell me about your day" and that got me answers like. "It was fine" . "It was boring" LOL...
Then i thought of a movie I once saw with Michelle Pfiefer and Harrison Ford. I forget the name of it, but basically it was about this dysfunctional marriage..they fought A LOT ..kind of depressing actually. BUT there was ONE scene that has stuck with me for years that i do with my own family to this day:
So after a long day, a long fight, or no matter how awful they had been to one another..the family would sit around the dinner table, and the father (Harrison Ford) would ask each of then two questions:
1.What was the best part of your day?
2. What was the worst part of your day?
The "fine"'s and the "boring"'s turned into articulated opinions and thoughts expressed with passion and purpose.
Each family member can answer however they like, say whatever they want. It may sound simple and maybe even cheesy that i had to get something so simple sounding from a movie, but it has been AMAZING the thoughts, feelings and opinions I have gotten out of my children; the little ones as well as the teenagers. and its gotten to the point where my older kids will ask me, "Dad, what was the best part of YOUR day?..sometimes without my even soliciting it...it has become something THEY want and see value in...not just me.
More times than not, when asked what the best part of my day has been I will typically say, "this..right now" because there is nothing more intimate..more real than getting the chance to crawl inside their heads for a moment, inside their hearts, and see that there is a place where we can all find one another again, after the bullies at school, after the commutes to work, after all the things they are sure I could never understand, we can find one another again and be reminded that WE ARE A FAMILY, no matter what anyone else says or believes.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Decissions, decissions.
Home from the first day of class after a week off from spring break. I only have 4 classes left plus my field placement which I'll be doing at the hospice of Dayton. Annoying that these 4 classes are spread out of three frigging quarters..lol, but at least Im half way finished:)
Im learning a lot, and I really cant wait to get started with the mean & Potatoes" of the work, so to speak.
My only hesitation is my field placement. There is a chance that instead of hospice, I could be placed at a hospital in the AOD until, which deals with all the deaths in the in hospital, counseling families and providing crisis intervention. My hesitation is that in Hospice, I get a chance to deal with the person who is dying..to help them let go, make peace in addition to helping familes find some as well. In the hospital, I would deal with the families exclusively and from time to time also deal with unexpected death, whereas Hospice is pretty much inevitable.
Grief/Loss has always been a passion of mine, in particular how the dying deal with death and how children deal with death...Im just not sure which placement I should take..
On a lighter note:
Tomorrow I'm going to Columbus zoo with Esequiels class field trip. He's less than thrilled tat I volenteered to be a chaperone, lol, but Im sure we'll have fun :)
Thats all for now..Im tired
Nighty Night People of the Page
xox
D
Im learning a lot, and I really cant wait to get started with the mean & Potatoes" of the work, so to speak.
My only hesitation is my field placement. There is a chance that instead of hospice, I could be placed at a hospital in the AOD until, which deals with all the deaths in the in hospital, counseling families and providing crisis intervention. My hesitation is that in Hospice, I get a chance to deal with the person who is dying..to help them let go, make peace in addition to helping familes find some as well. In the hospital, I would deal with the families exclusively and from time to time also deal with unexpected death, whereas Hospice is pretty much inevitable.
Grief/Loss has always been a passion of mine, in particular how the dying deal with death and how children deal with death...Im just not sure which placement I should take..
On a lighter note:
Tomorrow I'm going to Columbus zoo with Esequiels class field trip. He's less than thrilled tat I volenteered to be a chaperone, lol, but Im sure we'll have fun :)
Thats all for now..Im tired
Nighty Night People of the Page
xox
D
Saturday, March 26, 2011
A matter of time
So we inseminated on Monday. It is not Saturday night. I am many things. Patient is NOT one of them lol.
Yesterday Rhea calls me and says that someone at her school who is a self proclaimed tarrot card reader (or psychic, I forget which lol) ..anyway this person told her that not only was she , in fact, pregnant but that she was carrying two girls AND a boy LOL..she's been having anxiety since..bless her heart lol
(not that the mere idea hasnt produced some levels of anxiety in me as well, because it has lol)
He told her that the first ultra sound would reveal only one fetus, but there would be three. I dont typicaly put a lot of faith in this sort of thing though it does intrigue me.
The next day (today) he tells her that the "feeling" of her being pregnant is even more clear and told her to be sure an take her prenatal vitamins and drink her ensure...again, I'm not saying that I necessarily believe it, but it would be "just" my luck to plan for just "that one last child" and end up having THREE more..Id just Shit!! LOL
Then I told her, "um..did I mention that my Dad is a twin?"...lol I did fail to mention that , lol, It just never occurred to me as something important.
So now, we wait, watch for symptoms like nausea, sore boobs, ect. and pray for that positive pregnancy test. She says that with her last 5 pregnancies, she has *always* known she was pregnant before she actually got a positive test. She's gonna do the first test Monday which is really early. If she is pregnant with one child, it is possible for it to still read negative since it is still pretty early. With multiple births, the mother's body produces even more hormones , which would results in an early positive test, so if we do actually happen to get a positive test Monday we are ALL gonna be on pins and needles for a while LOL.
I don't want to jinx it but I do have a feeling that she is pregnant..time will tell:)
Yesterday Rhea calls me and says that someone at her school who is a self proclaimed tarrot card reader (or psychic, I forget which lol) ..anyway this person told her that not only was she , in fact, pregnant but that she was carrying two girls AND a boy LOL..she's been having anxiety since..bless her heart lol
(not that the mere idea hasnt produced some levels of anxiety in me as well, because it has lol)
He told her that the first ultra sound would reveal only one fetus, but there would be three. I dont typicaly put a lot of faith in this sort of thing though it does intrigue me.
The next day (today) he tells her that the "feeling" of her being pregnant is even more clear and told her to be sure an take her prenatal vitamins and drink her ensure...again, I'm not saying that I necessarily believe it, but it would be "just" my luck to plan for just "that one last child" and end up having THREE more..Id just Shit!! LOL
Then I told her, "um..did I mention that my Dad is a twin?"...lol I did fail to mention that , lol, It just never occurred to me as something important.
So now, we wait, watch for symptoms like nausea, sore boobs, ect. and pray for that positive pregnancy test. She says that with her last 5 pregnancies, she has *always* known she was pregnant before she actually got a positive test. She's gonna do the first test Monday which is really early. If she is pregnant with one child, it is possible for it to still read negative since it is still pretty early. With multiple births, the mother's body produces even more hormones , which would results in an early positive test, so if we do actually happen to get a positive test Monday we are ALL gonna be on pins and needles for a while LOL.
I don't want to jinx it but I do have a feeling that she is pregnant..time will tell:)
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Insemination
I was driving the boys to school yesterday morning about 7:30am, and was getting ready to drive to work shortly thereafter.
Walking the boys to their classrooms, I get a text from Rhea saying "Lets make a baby"! The long and short of it is that she ovulated early so we had to make arrangements for the kids, stephen had to drive an hour and a half *back* from work were he had just arrived and hop in the car and make a 9 hour drive to inseminate lol
about an hour from the house I realized that I was really nervous!! LOL. Im not sure about what. ,,it wasnt about having a baby, it wasnt about "performing"..I guess it was just the "mechanical aspect of it all that was a little nerve wracking, so I suppose it was a little about the performance part of it.
When I wet to the hospuatl about a month ago to get my sperm count done, it was a little weird , handing my "sample" to this lady who could have been my mother, behind that desk, but handing my "sample" ( i hate that word lol) to my freiend..with her kids and our kids running around in the next room..well thats just weird LOL..but all went very well and now we wait :)
We brought the toddlers and left the older kids at home for two days ( they are teenagers; they'll be fine )..Marcus kept asking where we were going. The answer I could give him was: "Going to see our friend Rhea ..it'll be like a really big field trip:)"
We had never met her 5 boys before..ALL under the age of 9! lol. THAT was a hoot! Our kids had SO much fun playing and playing and playing...lol They all crashed around midnight..and even then the giggles, trips to the bathroom and talking and taddling continued for quite sometimes as the residual energy slowly left their little bodies; allowing them to get the sleep they were fighting with every fiber of their beings LOL
This morning (the day after) we inseminated again, just for good measure lol, and we will start the fun fun fun process of waiting! (*insert sarcastic icon here*) Coming from someone who is actually trying to conceive, it seems bizarre to me that thousands of teenagers accomplish this every year with some Bud lite in the back seat of a car, while others try so hard by planning and calculating! lol
Please do a little fertility dance for us :) and keep us in your thoughts.
There is no one on earth who could love a child more than this one will be loved
xo
Donny
Walking the boys to their classrooms, I get a text from Rhea saying "Lets make a baby"! The long and short of it is that she ovulated early so we had to make arrangements for the kids, stephen had to drive an hour and a half *back* from work were he had just arrived and hop in the car and make a 9 hour drive to inseminate lol
about an hour from the house I realized that I was really nervous!! LOL. Im not sure about what. ,,it wasnt about having a baby, it wasnt about "performing"..I guess it was just the "mechanical aspect of it all that was a little nerve wracking, so I suppose it was a little about the performance part of it.
When I wet to the hospuatl about a month ago to get my sperm count done, it was a little weird , handing my "sample" to this lady who could have been my mother, behind that desk, but handing my "sample" ( i hate that word lol) to my freiend..with her kids and our kids running around in the next room..well thats just weird LOL..but all went very well and now we wait :)
We brought the toddlers and left the older kids at home for two days ( they are teenagers; they'll be fine )..Marcus kept asking where we were going. The answer I could give him was: "Going to see our friend Rhea ..it'll be like a really big field trip:)"
We had never met her 5 boys before..ALL under the age of 9! lol. THAT was a hoot! Our kids had SO much fun playing and playing and playing...lol They all crashed around midnight..and even then the giggles, trips to the bathroom and talking and taddling continued for quite sometimes as the residual energy slowly left their little bodies; allowing them to get the sleep they were fighting with every fiber of their beings LOL
This morning (the day after) we inseminated again, just for good measure lol, and we will start the fun fun fun process of waiting! (*insert sarcastic icon here*) Coming from someone who is actually trying to conceive, it seems bizarre to me that thousands of teenagers accomplish this every year with some Bud lite in the back seat of a car, while others try so hard by planning and calculating! lol
Please do a little fertility dance for us :) and keep us in your thoughts.
There is no one on earth who could love a child more than this one will be loved
xo
Donny
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