I was so excited to learn an interesting note about my ancestry this weekend. I have had a second person confirm that my great grandmother was a lesbian.
apparently, my graet grandpa Jake Hatfield and his wife Amanda lived in a little house with their 5 kids. Grandma Amanda supposedly was a very plain woman who never wore make-up or cared how she looked ..until...
She began hanging around this new woman in town. They would go all kinds of places together, and then grandma Amanda began to wear make up and dresses and she eventually told Jake that she was leaving with her new partner.
Divorce really didn't happen in those days (early 1920's) and Grandpa Jake really didnt have the money to raise all this kids on his own, so he built a house..*next door* so that Amanda and her partner could live next door and they ALL helped raise the kids.
Now being in Tennessee, I am SURE that they were the talk of the town, but what a diplomatic way to handle a difficult unorthodox situation , plus, I think its pretty cool that I can trace homosexuality back in my family, proving that its NOT a random choice.
Oh also an interesting note, Jake Hatfield was a direct descendant of the Hatfield family,, of the famous Hatfield and McCoys Feud. :)
Sunday, February 13, 2011
They come in 3's
Omg what an exhausting weekend. So my plan was to study this weekend..I had intended to just bury my nose in the books and Stephen had agreed to take on all the little monkeys for the weekend, so it all seemed I had a green light to just focused on ME. Until.....lol
I went to feed the chickens and noticed one of them was limping, actually only walking on one foot. I thought Id take a closer look, so I brought her inside and put her in a dog kennel so I could keep an eye on her in the house. So I'l pause here for a sec for all of you that are saying,
"Your keeping a chicken in the house??!! Gross!" and to those people I will say this:
Have you met me?! LOL..Seriously though, had I left her out there with the other chickens she runs the chance of being beaten up even killed if she shows weakness. Ever heard the expression "pecking order"? Its orogin refers to chickens.
So We have her in the house, watching her trying to see of we can nurse her back to health.
THATS ONE
Saturday early afternoon, my cousin had came by with her two boys and so it was a bit like romper-room:) and of course after a while of playing ..we hear:
little foot pattering on the hardwood floor
followed by giggles
followed by a loud THUD
followed by screams
Juan comes running into the kitchen with his little hand grasped over his forehead, blood pouring out from between his four year old fingers.
We rushed off to childrens hospital.
As they held him down, they started sewing him up and he starts screaming and it just about broke my heart...ugh
The other part is that Juan has had two other head injuries in Oct last year and Dec. which resulted in 10 stitches. All three of these things were really normal kid stuff expect for the fact that Juan has a pre existing condition. He has had brain bleeds in the past due to the fact that his skull is a little bigger than his brain, so when he takes a tumble or is too rough, it has been known to bleed. All of this is because his birth mother used a lot of cocaine and alcohol while pregnant with him. So, as you can imagine, whenever he so much as bumps his head, my heart stops for a second.
The good news is that it looks as though he is growing into his head, and Dr's say he is well on his way to growing out of this condition..for now, however..it's hard, until he's "out of the woods"
He received 16 stitches this time.
THATS TWOmeanwhile back in the E.R..
My cell rang. Stephen was helping hold Juan down so I left the room to answer it.
It was our friend Patti, who is also the person who keeps our horses at her farm.
She said that our thoroughbred mare, Stella, was laying down in her stall and not eating. I called the Vet to meet us out there at the farm. We left right from the hospital
So it turns out Stella had colic, and was a little dehydrated. So she's gonna be just fine. I was freaked out though, because I didnt know what was wrong with her. The Vet gave her two injections, and took this loooong clear tube, stuck it up her nose, and down her esophagus and pumped a bucket of water into her stomach. She said sometimes horses dont drink enough when its cold out, so..no real serious harm done..just a little unexpected dent in my checkbook for that after hours vet visit.
THATS MAKES THREE...lol
Everyone is going to be ok (though the jury is still out on Hennrietta the chicken)..this summer we are looking forward to riding Stella, and also saddle training our new Icelandic horse, Gretchen. ..and , *keeping fingers crossed* Juan having had experienced his last head injury.
Its strange..ALL our kids have had a shitty start in life, and both horses were also rescued.
They have a lot in comon in that way.
Stella was a race horse. She had been run so hard and for so long; mainly because she made a *great deal* of money for her owners, but when she got too old for that , she was put out to pasture to be a brood mare. By the time we found her, her feet had grown over and her horse shoes were way too small and she was so thin you could see her ribs. Se is much better now. She's filled out, and her feet and healed. Its so nice to see her just be able to be a horse :)
Gretchen was owned by a woman who had advanced MS. She had recently been convinced to move here from Michigan by a man she met online, who put her in deep debt then left her. She had to move from her home, and she left the horse behind.
Gretchen was left here with no other animals and no people. The Realtor was feeding her. Shes only 4 years old and just needed some TLC...I think we all did.
xo
Donny
I went to feed the chickens and noticed one of them was limping, actually only walking on one foot. I thought Id take a closer look, so I brought her inside and put her in a dog kennel so I could keep an eye on her in the house. So I'l pause here for a sec for all of you that are saying,
"Your keeping a chicken in the house??!! Gross!" and to those people I will say this:
Have you met me?! LOL..Seriously though, had I left her out there with the other chickens she runs the chance of being beaten up even killed if she shows weakness. Ever heard the expression "pecking order"? Its orogin refers to chickens.
So We have her in the house, watching her trying to see of we can nurse her back to health.
THATS ONE
Saturday early afternoon, my cousin had came by with her two boys and so it was a bit like romper-room:) and of course after a while of playing ..we hear:
little foot pattering on the hardwood floor
followed by giggles
followed by a loud THUD
followed by screams
Juan comes running into the kitchen with his little hand grasped over his forehead, blood pouring out from between his four year old fingers.
We rushed off to childrens hospital.
As they held him down, they started sewing him up and he starts screaming and it just about broke my heart...ugh
The other part is that Juan has had two other head injuries in Oct last year and Dec. which resulted in 10 stitches. All three of these things were really normal kid stuff expect for the fact that Juan has a pre existing condition. He has had brain bleeds in the past due to the fact that his skull is a little bigger than his brain, so when he takes a tumble or is too rough, it has been known to bleed. All of this is because his birth mother used a lot of cocaine and alcohol while pregnant with him. So, as you can imagine, whenever he so much as bumps his head, my heart stops for a second.
The good news is that it looks as though he is growing into his head, and Dr's say he is well on his way to growing out of this condition..for now, however..it's hard, until he's "out of the woods"
He received 16 stitches this time.
THATS TWOmeanwhile back in the E.R..
My cell rang. Stephen was helping hold Juan down so I left the room to answer it.
It was our friend Patti, who is also the person who keeps our horses at her farm.
She said that our thoroughbred mare, Stella, was laying down in her stall and not eating. I called the Vet to meet us out there at the farm. We left right from the hospital
So it turns out Stella had colic, and was a little dehydrated. So she's gonna be just fine. I was freaked out though, because I didnt know what was wrong with her. The Vet gave her two injections, and took this loooong clear tube, stuck it up her nose, and down her esophagus and pumped a bucket of water into her stomach. She said sometimes horses dont drink enough when its cold out, so..no real serious harm done..just a little unexpected dent in my checkbook for that after hours vet visit.
THATS MAKES THREE...lol
Everyone is going to be ok (though the jury is still out on Hennrietta the chicken)..this summer we are looking forward to riding Stella, and also saddle training our new Icelandic horse, Gretchen. ..and , *keeping fingers crossed* Juan having had experienced his last head injury.
Its strange..ALL our kids have had a shitty start in life, and both horses were also rescued.
They have a lot in comon in that way.
Stella was a race horse. She had been run so hard and for so long; mainly because she made a *great deal* of money for her owners, but when she got too old for that , she was put out to pasture to be a brood mare. By the time we found her, her feet had grown over and her horse shoes were way too small and she was so thin you could see her ribs. Se is much better now. She's filled out, and her feet and healed. Its so nice to see her just be able to be a horse :)
Gretchen was owned by a woman who had advanced MS. She had recently been convinced to move here from Michigan by a man she met online, who put her in deep debt then left her. She had to move from her home, and she left the horse behind.
Gretchen was left here with no other animals and no people. The Realtor was feeding her. Shes only 4 years old and just needed some TLC...I think we all did.
xo
Donny
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Noahs Arc
Thank you all for reading my posts:) Its so much fun, and therapeutic for me to be able to do this. I just wanted to drop you all a line and remind you to check out our non profit animal sanctuary blog. The link is on here.
Stephen is working very hard to make it visualy stimulating, interactive and informative.
One day we will have our farm and things will grow even more ..for now we are focusing on using our animals for education at the local schools. We have a new baby fox a baby raccoon and baby skunk coming in the spring.
Gotta get our bottles and nipples ready :)
Stay tuned for some "Awwwwe" photos :)
Thanks
xoxo
D
Stephen is working very hard to make it visualy stimulating, interactive and informative.
One day we will have our farm and things will grow even more ..for now we are focusing on using our animals for education at the local schools. We have a new baby fox a baby raccoon and baby skunk coming in the spring.
Gotta get our bottles and nipples ready :)
Stay tuned for some "Awwwwe" photos :)
Thanks
xoxo
D
Big ones and Small ones
Nothing is more vast, more encompassing or more intriguing to me.
I also believe that it gives you what you're supposed to have: your faith, your opportunities, your destiny. I also believe we have the power to fuck it up beyond recognition LOL
I love the idea of positive affirmations and positive thoughts to help crate self actualization and goals.
I have been saying for a while now that, I get too caught up in the "details' and responsibilities of my daily life to have time for such things, but no more.
I have big goals and small goals, and for today, just for today, I will get some studying done, and clean the house, so i can think clearly about what i am going accomplish this evening. I WILL do this.
What WILL you do?
I also believe that it gives you what you're supposed to have: your faith, your opportunities, your destiny. I also believe we have the power to fuck it up beyond recognition LOL
I love the idea of positive affirmations and positive thoughts to help crate self actualization and goals.
I have been saying for a while now that, I get too caught up in the "details' and responsibilities of my daily life to have time for such things, but no more.
I have big goals and small goals, and for today, just for today, I will get some studying done, and clean the house, so i can think clearly about what i am going accomplish this evening. I WILL do this.
What WILL you do?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Navigation
Its been a challenging day. I don't normally write more than one post a day. My god, who has that kind of time? lol, but you guys are such a wonderful therapeutic support for me..lol..so here we are again.
I say it was a hard day, but not in its entirety. The good parts were, Juan and Marcus are really thriving in their new pre-school. The staff are very supportive of the boys' struggles /needs and they are also very supportive of us as a same sex family, which is always nice.
The toddlers are thriving and growing so much.
Marcus will be old enough for kindergarten next school year. We have had some concerns though. Due to his unfair start in life, (his birthmother drinking, and snorting coke throughout the entire pregnancy) he has a hard time telling the difference between letters and numbers. It takes him longer to learn a concept. He's smart..very smart, he just learns differently and it takes him a bit more and unfortunately he has to work twice as hard as he should have to.
So, given all of that, Stephen and I hired a private tutor for him. Our older son has shown *amazing* advances academically with his private tutor, so we are having him for Marcus as well. Today was the first session. Marcus finished, comes running out of the room and says: "Dad!! Im great!!" LOL Smiling from ear to ear as if he were telling me something I didnt already know in my heart. I knew it as soon as I saw him when we first met. He's just now figuring it out.
So here's the hard part of the day:
Marus & Juan: They are toddlers, developmentally I dont expect them to be able to always say "Dad I feel... or I think...." They are not there yet, so I watch for their behavior, to tell me how they are feeling..thats fine.
Esequiel: You will ALWAYS know how this kid feels/thinks! lol
I relate to Esequiel A LOT in this way.
The first school day of this current year he approaches his homeroom teacher after class and says:
"Excuse me, Hi, um..Im not trying to be mean or anything, but this morning I was thinking that your voice was like nails on a chalboard!! Its just SO LOUD!..but I like you, youre nice. Im Esequiel."
LOL...and he walks away.
The teacher was actually impressed with his honesty, the fact that he did it one on one and not in front of the whole class so it wasnt disruptive, luckily she also has a great sense of humor :)
Eddie: You could give Eddie 5 million dollars and you may or may not ..ever..know what he really thinks or feels. Eddie has Asbergers syndrome. he is 16 biologically, Developmentally, he's probably about 7 or 8 years behind emotionally, somedays more , somedays less.
He LOVES cartoons. Would eat cookies all day if Id let him. He also wants to be a car mechanic. He has very little impulse control and socially, he is great with toddlers, grade school kids, but kids his own age, he has nothing in common with and tends to be scared of them. He really can be a great help in many ways, as long as I dont expect him to be 16. Thats hard for me because the level of work he is able to do surpasses how old he is. He can do math that I will never or have ever been able to even imagine. he's a brilliant reader, hes amazing mechanically, so many days, its really easy for me to get lost in the fantasy that he can be 16 in other ways.
He has about as much desire to drive a car as I do to go to the gynecologist. LOL..and of course Esequiel is like,
"Dude! are you crazy!?! I cant wait to get my license!!!!!" ...but Esequiel is very much age appropriate..even more mature for his age..lol (you can see my situation here, right? lol)
If I need Eddie to do something, academically with his school work or just around the house, and if he really doesnt want to , he won't. He never makes alot of fuss about it, theres never alot of drama from him, he just shuts down.
In moments of conflict or discussions I ve asked him "What are you thinking right now?!" or "What are you feeling" and I'll get "I dont know" or "Nothing, really" when nothing in the universes tells me this is possible. Its also been suggested that Eddie qualifies for a diagnosis of Oppositional defiant disorder. He's not the kind of kid that makes a lot of noise about it, like I said, its all very passive, sometimes passive aggressive.
If i didnt "give him a hard time" (how he puts it) I would never have any trouble out of Eddie. It's when I expect things where we butt heads. Some of those things he's really easy to negotiate with, things like, making ihs bed, doing his laundry, chores..ect..daily hygiene ect..but the big stuff..the stuff that is going to shape his future like academic habits for college, being able to follow simple direction/ answer a simple question or be accountable or responsible...he digs his heels in the mud and wont budge. It drives me nuts because i can see him creating a very limiting future for himself. It saddens me. I see his potential in so many other things that so often it REALLY looks like, he is CHOOSING to make poor choices. Te things he chooses to do and the things he chooses not to, do not line up. Its almost impossible to find a pattern. We navigate the best we can.
Somedays I get lost in his fog. I try to frantically make the fog go away..to reason with it, negotiate with it. and of course you know how that ends. Im using reasoning and logic with fog...and it just sits there.
Sometimes the fog lifts and I see this sparkle in his eye! and Im thinking.."YESSSSSSSSSS! THATS IT!!" and for no apparent reason..and often without warning..the fog comes back and he wants to watch cartoons again...sigh.
My gut tells me to let him be Eddie and not who *I* want or need him to be, but sometimes I just want so much for him ..and it's frustrating.
Everyday we navigate new shores. Sometimes the seas are rough, sometimes a creepy calm lol..but we all get through:) I love him and I know he loves me, so I guess its ok if I dont hear it. I know it. I am giving him opportunities that I know he would have never had..Im not sure what that counts for if he doesn't take advantage of them.lol, but Im doing what I can :)
Thank you all for reading :)
xo
Donny
I say it was a hard day, but not in its entirety. The good parts were, Juan and Marcus are really thriving in their new pre-school. The staff are very supportive of the boys' struggles /needs and they are also very supportive of us as a same sex family, which is always nice.
The toddlers are thriving and growing so much.
Marcus will be old enough for kindergarten next school year. We have had some concerns though. Due to his unfair start in life, (his birthmother drinking, and snorting coke throughout the entire pregnancy) he has a hard time telling the difference between letters and numbers. It takes him longer to learn a concept. He's smart..very smart, he just learns differently and it takes him a bit more and unfortunately he has to work twice as hard as he should have to.
So, given all of that, Stephen and I hired a private tutor for him. Our older son has shown *amazing* advances academically with his private tutor, so we are having him for Marcus as well. Today was the first session. Marcus finished, comes running out of the room and says: "Dad!! Im great!!" LOL Smiling from ear to ear as if he were telling me something I didnt already know in my heart. I knew it as soon as I saw him when we first met. He's just now figuring it out.
So here's the hard part of the day:
Marus & Juan: They are toddlers, developmentally I dont expect them to be able to always say "Dad I feel... or I think...." They are not there yet, so I watch for their behavior, to tell me how they are feeling..thats fine.
Esequiel: You will ALWAYS know how this kid feels/thinks! lol
I relate to Esequiel A LOT in this way.
The first school day of this current year he approaches his homeroom teacher after class and says:
"Excuse me, Hi, um..Im not trying to be mean or anything, but this morning I was thinking that your voice was like nails on a chalboard!! Its just SO LOUD!..but I like you, youre nice. Im Esequiel."
LOL...and he walks away.
The teacher was actually impressed with his honesty, the fact that he did it one on one and not in front of the whole class so it wasnt disruptive, luckily she also has a great sense of humor :)
Eddie: You could give Eddie 5 million dollars and you may or may not ..ever..know what he really thinks or feels. Eddie has Asbergers syndrome. he is 16 biologically, Developmentally, he's probably about 7 or 8 years behind emotionally, somedays more , somedays less.
He LOVES cartoons. Would eat cookies all day if Id let him. He also wants to be a car mechanic. He has very little impulse control and socially, he is great with toddlers, grade school kids, but kids his own age, he has nothing in common with and tends to be scared of them. He really can be a great help in many ways, as long as I dont expect him to be 16. Thats hard for me because the level of work he is able to do surpasses how old he is. He can do math that I will never or have ever been able to even imagine. he's a brilliant reader, hes amazing mechanically, so many days, its really easy for me to get lost in the fantasy that he can be 16 in other ways.
He has about as much desire to drive a car as I do to go to the gynecologist. LOL..and of course Esequiel is like,
"Dude! are you crazy!?! I cant wait to get my license!!!!!" ...but Esequiel is very much age appropriate..even more mature for his age..lol (you can see my situation here, right? lol)
If I need Eddie to do something, academically with his school work or just around the house, and if he really doesnt want to , he won't. He never makes alot of fuss about it, theres never alot of drama from him, he just shuts down.
In moments of conflict or discussions I ve asked him "What are you thinking right now?!" or "What are you feeling" and I'll get "I dont know" or "Nothing, really" when nothing in the universes tells me this is possible. Its also been suggested that Eddie qualifies for a diagnosis of Oppositional defiant disorder. He's not the kind of kid that makes a lot of noise about it, like I said, its all very passive, sometimes passive aggressive.
If i didnt "give him a hard time" (how he puts it) I would never have any trouble out of Eddie. It's when I expect things where we butt heads. Some of those things he's really easy to negotiate with, things like, making ihs bed, doing his laundry, chores..ect..daily hygiene ect..but the big stuff..the stuff that is going to shape his future like academic habits for college, being able to follow simple direction/ answer a simple question or be accountable or responsible...he digs his heels in the mud and wont budge. It drives me nuts because i can see him creating a very limiting future for himself. It saddens me. I see his potential in so many other things that so often it REALLY looks like, he is CHOOSING to make poor choices. Te things he chooses to do and the things he chooses not to, do not line up. Its almost impossible to find a pattern. We navigate the best we can.
Somedays I get lost in his fog. I try to frantically make the fog go away..to reason with it, negotiate with it. and of course you know how that ends. Im using reasoning and logic with fog...and it just sits there.
Sometimes the fog lifts and I see this sparkle in his eye! and Im thinking.."YESSSSSSSSSS! THATS IT!!" and for no apparent reason..and often without warning..the fog comes back and he wants to watch cartoons again...sigh.
My gut tells me to let him be Eddie and not who *I* want or need him to be, but sometimes I just want so much for him ..and it's frustrating.
Everyday we navigate new shores. Sometimes the seas are rough, sometimes a creepy calm lol..but we all get through:) I love him and I know he loves me, so I guess its ok if I dont hear it. I know it. I am giving him opportunities that I know he would have never had..Im not sure what that counts for if he doesn't take advantage of them.lol, but Im doing what I can :)
Thank you all for reading :)
xo
Donny
Time to make the doughnuts
I am SO not a morning person LOL. Yes , Ive started with that:)
(..LOL and here some proof of that..I just told my 4 year old:
:" Stop eating and talk!"....LOL of course I meant the opposite)
I tell ya , its nice that all four kids are getting ready for school at the same time now. Its been a lot more convenient since i found ll day pre school for the toddlers; makes my life a little easier. What's become quite obvious is that we need to finish the second bathroom in the basement ASAP. We have most of th ework done, plumbing and such, just need to put up the walls and tiles on the floor. It was so bad when the kids were staggered in the morning, but now I have toddlers waiting to brush teeth because certain teenagers I know are taking too long in the bathroom...lol, yes it is interesting :) Not to mention the fact that with six guys in the house, that ONE bathroom starts smelling like a high school locker room REAL quick lol
On top of all this the quarter is ending at school soon, I have one paper due next week, one test and a final exam coming up...crunch time. Ive never been a straight A student. I do well, but I work hard for teh grades I get. I can see my masters degree at the end of the tunnel..that ever elusive perverbial carrot..waiting ..sigh lol So today I really have to get some work done
But ya know what? I Rock! Wanna know why??? lol
Because not only am I not a morning person, but I get it together enough to get four kids ready, make them all breakfast, getting them dressed them, brushing teeth, throwing myself together, THEN driving each of them to school...THREE separate schools!...and I still have time to bitch about it in my blog !LOL
Thanks for listening my friends :)
See you real soon
xox
D
(..LOL and here some proof of that..I just told my 4 year old:
:" Stop eating and talk!"....LOL of course I meant the opposite)
I tell ya , its nice that all four kids are getting ready for school at the same time now. Its been a lot more convenient since i found ll day pre school for the toddlers; makes my life a little easier. What's become quite obvious is that we need to finish the second bathroom in the basement ASAP. We have most of th ework done, plumbing and such, just need to put up the walls and tiles on the floor. It was so bad when the kids were staggered in the morning, but now I have toddlers waiting to brush teeth because certain teenagers I know are taking too long in the bathroom...lol, yes it is interesting :) Not to mention the fact that with six guys in the house, that ONE bathroom starts smelling like a high school locker room REAL quick lol
On top of all this the quarter is ending at school soon, I have one paper due next week, one test and a final exam coming up...crunch time. Ive never been a straight A student. I do well, but I work hard for teh grades I get. I can see my masters degree at the end of the tunnel..that ever elusive perverbial carrot..waiting ..sigh lol So today I really have to get some work done
But ya know what? I Rock! Wanna know why??? lol
Because not only am I not a morning person, but I get it together enough to get four kids ready, make them all breakfast, getting them dressed them, brushing teeth, throwing myself together, THEN driving each of them to school...THREE separate schools!...and I still have time to bitch about it in my blog !LOL
Thanks for listening my friends :)
See you real soon
xox
D
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Gravity
The following post is something I wrote a while back. The catalyst was the realization that certain people in my family will never see us as a real family. I have recently vowed to be much more discriminatory in who I allow in my life rather than continuously allowing blood relatives to emotionally abuse me because of biology. This was what I wrote as I was making peace with that decision. It's a little graphic and not a feel good read but it's real and was my reality for a long time. This not who I am, but rather part of the journey I have taken to get to who I am.
Were there happy times when I was a kid? God! There were so many it's hard to think of just one. My mind is instantly fragmented into hundreds of tiny pieces; each telling a story; each a piece of a whole.
I remember the sounds of the night in Mamaw and Papaw's trailer in Kentucky. Those humid July nights when the air was thick and held the smoke and sparks from the camp fire. The woods slept as I'd lie awake listening to the echo of male voices outside drinking moonshine and laughing in their drunkenness. There was no place safer. The essence of my childhood still creeps about in those woods...searching for the rest of me.
I don't remember saying much when I was a child. I listened a lot though. My parents having sex in the next room, my uncle's hot breath on the back of my neck as I wondered if anyone else in the 1st grade was getting fucked up the ass, and the sound of my brother's grave whispering my name telling me should be in that hole.
All these things, and so many other forbidden things I kept to myself, and some I still do. I kept them because as awful as they were, they were surrounded by so many wonderful things. The love of my mother, the pride of my grandfather and the admiration of my little sister.
It was these things that made all the shitty things feel tolerable, even worth while because it meant that somewhere in all of that I might be worthy of that love, that pride, that adoration.
My Mom and Dad were married as teenagers. Mom had turned 16 the month before I was born.
I was not healthy and expected to die before sunrise.
I still wonder if sometimes I'll be lucky enough to die before sunrise. But the sun keeps rising and I'm still faced with the decissions I made yesterday and the day before that.
Many many years have passed since I heard Papaw drinking moonshine by the fire. I've recently found an over weight middle aged man staring at me whom I don't recognize, though he's always in the same place; the mirror.
Papaw is now a box full of ash that is buried just a few feet from where he used to get drunk.
My mother, who used to make me feel like the most important little boy on the planet, now is reduced to seeing me whenever her abusive husband will allow.
My sister who used to make sure that I got the first popsicle, is now married to a drug addict who sits back and watches her while she stumbles closer and closer to the edge of the cliff with each pill she takes.
There are days, like today, when the pain and disappointment flavor everything...days when I'm certain that any god who may exist is a cruel son of a bitch.
It's then that I look up and remember that while the years have robbed me of some of my family as I knew them, I have been busy creating my own. I found myself in this house with a man who would stop time for me if he thought he could and 4 young children who look to both he and I for the answers to all their questions.
So here I sit...with this family of my own all around me. I don't remember how we all found one another but here we are, and I want nothing more than to show them to, share them with, these precious, priceless people of my past who never really existed.
I search for them at family gatherings, in ICU rooms and in the cars that occasionally grace my driveway, but they are not there; not really. They have scattered to the recesses of my mind where they exist as I remember them; and that fact fills me with a void..a vastness, larger than the universe itself.
I think it is human nature to seek solid ground, something to pick up with your hands and recognize when there's no gravity. So is it really any surprise that I searched the nation and found two Mexican boys in Texas who also had no gravity? Or two little black boys from Columbus who didn't even know what gravity was?
Was it so wrong of me to search and create my own family while the one I held in my hands fell through my fingers like sand..turning into people I don't know.
So did I adopt these children to make myself feel better...look better...less broken perhaps? Fuck yes.
I did. And I think that makes me a human being. A flawed, stumbling human being trying to find some peace during wartime, some solitude in chaos and some gravity in time and space. Yes, I am guilty of that.
Were there happy times when I was a kid? God! There were so many it's hard to think of just one. My mind is instantly fragmented into hundreds of tiny pieces; each telling a story; each a piece of a whole.
I remember the sounds of the night in Mamaw and Papaw's trailer in Kentucky. Those humid July nights when the air was thick and held the smoke and sparks from the camp fire. The woods slept as I'd lie awake listening to the echo of male voices outside drinking moonshine and laughing in their drunkenness. There was no place safer. The essence of my childhood still creeps about in those woods...searching for the rest of me.
I don't remember saying much when I was a child. I listened a lot though. My parents having sex in the next room, my uncle's hot breath on the back of my neck as I wondered if anyone else in the 1st grade was getting fucked up the ass, and the sound of my brother's grave whispering my name telling me should be in that hole.
All these things, and so many other forbidden things I kept to myself, and some I still do. I kept them because as awful as they were, they were surrounded by so many wonderful things. The love of my mother, the pride of my grandfather and the admiration of my little sister.
It was these things that made all the shitty things feel tolerable, even worth while because it meant that somewhere in all of that I might be worthy of that love, that pride, that adoration.
My Mom and Dad were married as teenagers. Mom had turned 16 the month before I was born.
I was not healthy and expected to die before sunrise.
I still wonder if sometimes I'll be lucky enough to die before sunrise. But the sun keeps rising and I'm still faced with the decissions I made yesterday and the day before that.
Many many years have passed since I heard Papaw drinking moonshine by the fire. I've recently found an over weight middle aged man staring at me whom I don't recognize, though he's always in the same place; the mirror.
Papaw is now a box full of ash that is buried just a few feet from where he used to get drunk.
My mother, who used to make me feel like the most important little boy on the planet, now is reduced to seeing me whenever her abusive husband will allow.
My sister who used to make sure that I got the first popsicle, is now married to a drug addict who sits back and watches her while she stumbles closer and closer to the edge of the cliff with each pill she takes.
There are days, like today, when the pain and disappointment flavor everything...days when I'm certain that any god who may exist is a cruel son of a bitch.
It's then that I look up and remember that while the years have robbed me of some of my family as I knew them, I have been busy creating my own. I found myself in this house with a man who would stop time for me if he thought he could and 4 young children who look to both he and I for the answers to all their questions.
So here I sit...with this family of my own all around me. I don't remember how we all found one another but here we are, and I want nothing more than to show them to, share them with, these precious, priceless people of my past who never really existed.
I search for them at family gatherings, in ICU rooms and in the cars that occasionally grace my driveway, but they are not there; not really. They have scattered to the recesses of my mind where they exist as I remember them; and that fact fills me with a void..a vastness, larger than the universe itself.
I think it is human nature to seek solid ground, something to pick up with your hands and recognize when there's no gravity. So is it really any surprise that I searched the nation and found two Mexican boys in Texas who also had no gravity? Or two little black boys from Columbus who didn't even know what gravity was?
Was it so wrong of me to search and create my own family while the one I held in my hands fell through my fingers like sand..turning into people I don't know.
So did I adopt these children to make myself feel better...look better...less broken perhaps? Fuck yes.
I did. And I think that makes me a human being. A flawed, stumbling human being trying to find some peace during wartime, some solitude in chaos and some gravity in time and space. Yes, I am guilty of that.
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