Its been a few months since I have posted anything here. One of the reasons is becasue Ive been so #@*%ing busy that my blogging has just taken a back seat to my four children, school and the non profit. The other reason is that I use this blog for therapeutic release and I refuse to post non sense. each time I share a post, I feel Ive shared a little peice of myself, and quite frankly..as of late, I have just felt like i havent had much of "me" to spare..until now :)
Hmmm where to start??..well Stephen and I finally legalized our adoption of our two youngest, Marcus and Juan. Now known as Marcus Jon Marlow-Kelty and Juan Timothy Marlow-Kelty. :)
My graduate program is in full swing and I am looking at the end of the tunnel finally. Part of that is my internship at Hospice of Cincinnati.
This placement will heavily flavor what I have to say tonight..
When I share with people what I have chosen for my internship, I usually get "omg I could never do that" or " that must be so sad". I get that, but to me ,its so much more..I am rarely at a loss for words, but I find it near impossible to explain what value I place on this experience.
I cross people's path everyday, all kinds of people, with one thing in common; they have been given a terminal diagnosis. I guess, for me, its all about perspective. I think the most problematic is the mind set that we someone dies we 'lose them' . If that's the mind set I keep when I go to work, I could never do it..Id be 'losing' and grieving everyday. I like to think of it more like I am helping someone come to terms with a fact that neither of us can change, so we make the best of it. Im not sure there are words that would adequately explain what its like to watch someone take their last breath, or to walk out of someones home knowing that I could very well be the last person they see.
Two of my clients died today. I was okay with it all day, and I still am. Im not sure why , but it feels good to know that I did what I was supposed to do.
I cried all the way home not because I was grieving the loss of those specific people necessarily, but more because it felt cleansing, like the tears were washing away all the residue left from the work it took to stay a little disconnected. "Disconnected" is not the right word, but it's the closest one I have. When I can think of a better word I will use it..
I'll tell ya what tho..something else that this has made me realize is that I have no REAL PROBLEMS. Not after what I see each day, my problems are luxury ones..every single one of 'em and I thank the universe everyday for that. I make my hugs last a few seconds longer than I used to, and try to get angry a little less.
I will write more in a couple of days about whats going on with Noahs Arc and other lighter stuff, I just really felt the need to process this a little so I can lay it down and walk away from it for the night.
Thank you for spending a little time in my head; the company is nice.;)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
I love gathering my thoughts, throwing them at a computer screen and seeing what sticks; like spaghetti. Bloggin was something that I got into earlier this year and shortly thereafter life has gotten so damn busy that I haven't had the emotional energy.
Our non profit is really dragging in terms of revenue. We are in a crux at the moment with not really being able to buy the land we need and really needing the land to move forward and do what we want to do...so we are hurrying up and waiting.
I am in the last year of grad school and O M G is it dragging! ugh..I really need to find a job in th eworst way, but every job I apply for , I am either under qualified for because I don't quite have my masters degree yet or I am over qualified for..either way I get looked over and it is doing quite a number on my self esteem, i don't mind saying.
The starnge part is, I have a pretty cool life, I spend my days bottle feeding orphaned wildlife, taking care of our foxes, raccoons, skunks, dogs, vet visits, vaccinations, illnesses/ and somewhere in all of that I also manage to work on my summer course on child grief for my masters program, throw in the cooking and cleaning and laundry that I do for four kids..and well , yes, I am pretty much spent. I am also planning and organizing fundraiser whenever I can. As I write this, we have a yard sale going on out front, next weekend, we have a drag show/benefit for our our non profit, Noahs Arc and Spet 11th and 12th a fundraiser with Bob Evans restaurant. Anyone who come in with one of our flyers; 15% of their bill goes to us...what else? Oh yeah, at the end of this mont we are going to gay pride in Toledo. Last pride we did, in Columbus, we made over a thousand bucks. It averages out to about two major events a month..which is plenty.
September marks the beginning of my last year of school as well as the beginning of my last internship which will be at the Hospice of Dayton, Im really looking forward to that...last time I was there, I was walking down the hallway..peering into the rooms as I made my way down the hall. The people with worry worn faces, searching for an explanation, waiting for solace, finality. It was all so humbling..so important; I cant wait to be a part of helping others find some answers, some hope in those hopeless and answer less moments.
I am aware that I do "big" things, and it may appear that I do too much. All I can say is that for all the work that I do ..it is equivalent to how much I feel..sometimes things I cant attach words to; actions and feelings that have no words, and feeling and expressing is all I can do. So, I get up everyday and I feel, I work, and I do what I can do, till I'm too tired and it fills me up, then I go to bed and do it l over again, each time chipping away at a big stone that will someday bear an impressive epitaph.
Our non profit is really dragging in terms of revenue. We are in a crux at the moment with not really being able to buy the land we need and really needing the land to move forward and do what we want to do...so we are hurrying up and waiting.
I am in the last year of grad school and O M G is it dragging! ugh..I really need to find a job in th eworst way, but every job I apply for , I am either under qualified for because I don't quite have my masters degree yet or I am over qualified for..either way I get looked over and it is doing quite a number on my self esteem, i don't mind saying.
The starnge part is, I have a pretty cool life, I spend my days bottle feeding orphaned wildlife, taking care of our foxes, raccoons, skunks, dogs, vet visits, vaccinations, illnesses/ and somewhere in all of that I also manage to work on my summer course on child grief for my masters program, throw in the cooking and cleaning and laundry that I do for four kids..and well , yes, I am pretty much spent. I am also planning and organizing fundraiser whenever I can. As I write this, we have a yard sale going on out front, next weekend, we have a drag show/benefit for our our non profit, Noahs Arc and Spet 11th and 12th a fundraiser with Bob Evans restaurant. Anyone who come in with one of our flyers; 15% of their bill goes to us...what else? Oh yeah, at the end of this mont we are going to gay pride in Toledo. Last pride we did, in Columbus, we made over a thousand bucks. It averages out to about two major events a month..which is plenty.
September marks the beginning of my last year of school as well as the beginning of my last internship which will be at the Hospice of Dayton, Im really looking forward to that...last time I was there, I was walking down the hallway..peering into the rooms as I made my way down the hall. The people with worry worn faces, searching for an explanation, waiting for solace, finality. It was all so humbling..so important; I cant wait to be a part of helping others find some answers, some hope in those hopeless and answer less moments.
I am aware that I do "big" things, and it may appear that I do too much. All I can say is that for all the work that I do ..it is equivalent to how much I feel..sometimes things I cant attach words to; actions and feelings that have no words, and feeling and expressing is all I can do. So, I get up everyday and I feel, I work, and I do what I can do, till I'm too tired and it fills me up, then I go to bed and do it l over again, each time chipping away at a big stone that will someday bear an impressive epitaph.
Monday, June 6, 2011
I think I can We think we can We know we will
It seems that my blogging, as much as I love it is the one thing that has become the hardest to keep up with. lol.
So much happens under my roof that, to the outsider it may make ones head spin..and sometimes my own, but only when I over think it. Things work so much more smoothly when I go with my gut and do what feels right.
My life is not always full of instant gratification. Its stressful, its chaotic and more times than not, I fail; by someones standards or another. Unfortunately, I tend to focus on what Im not doing right, what's not working and what needs fixing, feeding, reprimanded or mending.
Tonight my brother came by and expressed how proud he was of me and how impressed he was with what we're doing with the boys, the non profit and everything.
As I heard the words, it was like an ice cold drink of water on a dry parched day. I didnt know how to thank him for that, I still dont. but I appreciated it more than he'll ever know.
For those of you who I have not yet informed, we have found a farm for Noahs Arc.!!! I want to SO badly, but its A LOT of money. We are pulling out all the stops we can think of for fundraisers, grant writing, and donations. We have even contacted some celebrities to ask their support. If you can think of ANYTHING you can do to help in your own communities for our cause , we're not too proud lol.:)
We also rented a booth at gay pride in Columbus next week. This has the potential to be huge. Columbus pride is attended by thousands of people. We are taking a couple of the baby raccoons and a baby red fox with us, and a HUGE tub full of ice to give bottles of water to anyone who makes a donation:) We're not licensed to "sell" anything as a non profit, but offering water on a hot day in exchange for a donation is just plain smart LOL
I keep telling myself, all we have to do is get 100 thousand people to give us ONE dollar each, and that would get us into the farm...which I just realized , I havnt told you about yet :)
So..Its 30 acres, 12 acres of that is a lake!!!, 10 acres behind that is a dense forest, the rest are open fields. The lakes are naturally spring fed, and the house was built in 1888, and is twice as large as where we live now. Do I have to go on, or are you trying to think how you can help yet?? lol
(we have a paypal link on our website :) www.noahsarcsanctuary.org
We are busy with animal shows, and of course this farm thing..
and as I said, tonight I was reminded of how far we've come, and how now is not the time to panic, just keep pluggin along and believing in what we're doing
So much happens under my roof that, to the outsider it may make ones head spin..and sometimes my own, but only when I over think it. Things work so much more smoothly when I go with my gut and do what feels right.
My life is not always full of instant gratification. Its stressful, its chaotic and more times than not, I fail; by someones standards or another. Unfortunately, I tend to focus on what Im not doing right, what's not working and what needs fixing, feeding, reprimanded or mending.
Tonight my brother came by and expressed how proud he was of me and how impressed he was with what we're doing with the boys, the non profit and everything.
As I heard the words, it was like an ice cold drink of water on a dry parched day. I didnt know how to thank him for that, I still dont. but I appreciated it more than he'll ever know.
For those of you who I have not yet informed, we have found a farm for Noahs Arc.!!! I want to SO badly, but its A LOT of money. We are pulling out all the stops we can think of for fundraisers, grant writing, and donations. We have even contacted some celebrities to ask their support. If you can think of ANYTHING you can do to help in your own communities for our cause , we're not too proud lol.:)
We also rented a booth at gay pride in Columbus next week. This has the potential to be huge. Columbus pride is attended by thousands of people. We are taking a couple of the baby raccoons and a baby red fox with us, and a HUGE tub full of ice to give bottles of water to anyone who makes a donation:) We're not licensed to "sell" anything as a non profit, but offering water on a hot day in exchange for a donation is just plain smart LOL
I keep telling myself, all we have to do is get 100 thousand people to give us ONE dollar each, and that would get us into the farm...which I just realized , I havnt told you about yet :)
So..Its 30 acres, 12 acres of that is a lake!!!, 10 acres behind that is a dense forest, the rest are open fields. The lakes are naturally spring fed, and the house was built in 1888, and is twice as large as where we live now. Do I have to go on, or are you trying to think how you can help yet?? lol
(we have a paypal link on our website :) www.noahsarcsanctuary.org
We are busy with animal shows, and of course this farm thing..
and as I said, tonight I was reminded of how far we've come, and how now is not the time to panic, just keep pluggin along and believing in what we're doing
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Its been a while. Have you missed me? lol
Hello people of the page! ;)
It has been a while since ive written. The good news is because there has been so much happening with Noahs Arc that I , literally, have not had a free minute between all that has been happening and four kids lol
Noahs Arc had its first two shows today with our 3 raccoons, two foxes and peacock. ...and it was AWESOME! The kids were sooo receptive. It was really a big deal for me to educate children on the importance of animals, the eco system and wildlife conservation. The teacher as well as the principal were so supportive; so much so that they have offered to do a fundraiser for us AND he said over the summer we could use their auditorium anytime we wanted for other shows!!
AND we submitted our first grant with Lexis Nexis. We also have a show in june, by then we will have our skunk, it'll be a great show:)
Im REALLY trying to find a way to do this full time..once i finish my degree I dont intend on working for anyone else but myself in the future. It wont happen overnight, but Man! things are happening so fast..its just surreal. Thank you..thank you to everybody that believed in me..it means the world.
It has been a while since ive written. The good news is because there has been so much happening with Noahs Arc that I , literally, have not had a free minute between all that has been happening and four kids lol
Noahs Arc had its first two shows today with our 3 raccoons, two foxes and peacock. ...and it was AWESOME! The kids were sooo receptive. It was really a big deal for me to educate children on the importance of animals, the eco system and wildlife conservation. The teacher as well as the principal were so supportive; so much so that they have offered to do a fundraiser for us AND he said over the summer we could use their auditorium anytime we wanted for other shows!!
AND we submitted our first grant with Lexis Nexis. We also have a show in june, by then we will have our skunk, it'll be a great show:)
Im REALLY trying to find a way to do this full time..once i finish my degree I dont intend on working for anyone else but myself in the future. It wont happen overnight, but Man! things are happening so fast..its just surreal. Thank you..thank you to everybody that believed in me..it means the world.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Easy come, hard go
I have always been of the mind set that people who are in our lives are there for a reason. Nothing is random. Some are with us our entire lives, some a few years, others less than that.
I believe once we have learned/experienced what we were supposed to have, and the need for that person in our lives is gone..they will be too. The exit itself may be in the form of a death, a conflict or some other event that brings on the actual departure or separation.
I think the hard part is, as social creatures, we have a REAL hard time with being left on our journey. When there is conflict, we blame, we justify and we argue and we express our pain about that conflict and those who have wronged us. Perhaps they were "supposed" to have wronged us, otherwise we wouldnt let them go..when in fact it was time to do so...Wouldnt it be easier to take a step back and consider the possibility that whatever is happening could be because their "job" in our lives (or ours in theirs) is complete?
I know, much easier said than done, and if anyone does NOT have a handle on how to do this it is me! LOL..especially in the moment. It's only later when I get those "ah ha" moments that I can see the value in the departure, let go of my resentment, and wish them well, *even if the sentiment isnt returned*...it doesnt matter.
In the past 6 months or so, I have seen people leave my life, through death, personality conflict, situational conflict, and sometimes even just a matter of drifting apart.. yes it hurts and yes it can lend itself to resentment, but I have to believe that things are happening the way they should.
Most of you know that we are no longer on our path to surrogacy, and while that was hard, maybe we went on that very brief journey because we needed some hope, we needed to consider the possibilities, I dont know. I dont understand it now, and thats Okay.
Ive always been fascinated by interpersonal dynamics, which is a bit ironic because sometimes, I wish I conducted myself with a bit more confidence, conviction and setting of boundaries. (particularly the latter)In my heart I know what is right for me and what is not, its just a matter of learning how to apply that more efficiently I guess.
I have NEVER been the kind of person who has had, or has ever felt comfortable with the idea of having, large circles of friends. The sheer idea of trying to understand and navigate that many personalities is maddening to me! lol
Managing a couple friendships..close friendships is MORE than enough for me. I keep hearing myself say that I , in general, dont really like people, I prefer animals because they make more sense to me. This is true.
Its nothing short of ironic that I am a social worker lol I sometimes think Im in this profession because I think "okay, look, if I have to deal and relate to other humans then im gong to have to devote a lifetime to understanding them" LOL
People make things *way* too complicated and chaotic when there is little need for either.
At the moment I guess Im feeling a little raw at some recent departures..as much as I see the picture, or at least try to , I cant help to fantasize about getting our farm, and not being able to visibly see a neighbor. Focusing on my children, what we all, as a family, bring into one another's lives and how ot better understand that, and let the people outside, be right where they are, outside.
I believe once we have learned/experienced what we were supposed to have, and the need for that person in our lives is gone..they will be too. The exit itself may be in the form of a death, a conflict or some other event that brings on the actual departure or separation.
I think the hard part is, as social creatures, we have a REAL hard time with being left on our journey. When there is conflict, we blame, we justify and we argue and we express our pain about that conflict and those who have wronged us. Perhaps they were "supposed" to have wronged us, otherwise we wouldnt let them go..when in fact it was time to do so...Wouldnt it be easier to take a step back and consider the possibility that whatever is happening could be because their "job" in our lives (or ours in theirs) is complete?
I know, much easier said than done, and if anyone does NOT have a handle on how to do this it is me! LOL..especially in the moment. It's only later when I get those "ah ha" moments that I can see the value in the departure, let go of my resentment, and wish them well, *even if the sentiment isnt returned*...it doesnt matter.
In the past 6 months or so, I have seen people leave my life, through death, personality conflict, situational conflict, and sometimes even just a matter of drifting apart.. yes it hurts and yes it can lend itself to resentment, but I have to believe that things are happening the way they should.
Most of you know that we are no longer on our path to surrogacy, and while that was hard, maybe we went on that very brief journey because we needed some hope, we needed to consider the possibilities, I dont know. I dont understand it now, and thats Okay.
Ive always been fascinated by interpersonal dynamics, which is a bit ironic because sometimes, I wish I conducted myself with a bit more confidence, conviction and setting of boundaries. (particularly the latter)In my heart I know what is right for me and what is not, its just a matter of learning how to apply that more efficiently I guess.
I have NEVER been the kind of person who has had, or has ever felt comfortable with the idea of having, large circles of friends. The sheer idea of trying to understand and navigate that many personalities is maddening to me! lol
Managing a couple friendships..close friendships is MORE than enough for me. I keep hearing myself say that I , in general, dont really like people, I prefer animals because they make more sense to me. This is true.
Its nothing short of ironic that I am a social worker lol I sometimes think Im in this profession because I think "okay, look, if I have to deal and relate to other humans then im gong to have to devote a lifetime to understanding them" LOL
People make things *way* too complicated and chaotic when there is little need for either.
At the moment I guess Im feeling a little raw at some recent departures..as much as I see the picture, or at least try to , I cant help to fantasize about getting our farm, and not being able to visibly see a neighbor. Focusing on my children, what we all, as a family, bring into one another's lives and how ot better understand that, and let the people outside, be right where they are, outside.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Dark
When it gets dark, it gets dark.
Some people have said that I am talented, a good Dad, and many other wonderful things. I do have a dark side..I get wickedly depressed.
Been *really* struggling the past couple of weeks. I can usually do what I need to do to keep me going till I feel better.
Its hard, and in retrospect I usually look back and see that I had plenty of positive motivation right under my nose...Im sure Ill look back on this in a few weeks and see the same here..but for now, ..it is what it is.
It gets so dark that that I can't see...so dark that I don't want to. It's nothing that happened per se, I just look around and see all the little things that need improving, fixing, or changed in some way and they seem to stick out like sore thumbs screaming at me that I have failed by someone or another's standards.
I know how i feel is predominantly chemical but it seems that when this comes on there are always things in my environment that exacerbate it. Here are a few..
My 4 year old Juan is a little dare devil who gets scrapes, cuts and bumps on a daily basis sometimes. A few months ago he was in the hospital twice in two consecutive months getting stitches from just being a tough clumpsy kid. I explained to the school and the caseworker what happened, on both occasions, and all understood and it was a non issue...since that time I have made a few enemies at their school ( I tend to do that , most parents who hold educators to high standards at this school district, do , actually)..anyway, long story, short, Juan got a black eye from wrestling with Esequiel and the school decidedes to report it to children's services. The caseworker knows me well and knows the children well so it was dropped as soon as it began, and f course I was told that I shouldnt personalize it..lol, how can I not??
When i confront the school, of course it is a "surprise" to them and magically no one knows who called and no one knows anything about it. (which pissed me ff more than anything)
Because Juan is technically still in fostercare, I have all kinds of people to answer to, its a pain in the ass.
Our surrogacy has been put off for about a year, it might happen them or maybe not at all. Its a hard thing to take a step back from after all the emotions were right on the surface..but we dont have a choice. Circumstance in Rhea's life dictate that it cant happen right now.
Then there are the teens..
Eddie is usually a source of contention for me, I often struggle with his disability as it typically lends itself to quite a bit of childish, defiant acting out behavior, even though he's nearly 17..Im not sure he will ever really be 17 no matter what I do or not. Sometimes it feels like the more I try with Eddie, the worse he gets so I usually end up backing off feeling like Ive failed before I even start.
With Esequiel, I really got feedback, appreciation, and tangible results of hard parenting..which is also why he decides to not be mature and actually act his age and be a defiant teenager, it cuts to the bone.
I expect more from him..because he's capable of it.
Unfortunately this also means that he has the ability to crush my heart with his disrespect when those evil aliens from the planet called Puberty, temporarily steal his brain.
When Im struggling with my own depression, all these things just get amplified and sound like they are all screaming in my ear, ..so loud that I cant hear anything else
Some people have said that I am talented, a good Dad, and many other wonderful things. I do have a dark side..I get wickedly depressed.
Been *really* struggling the past couple of weeks. I can usually do what I need to do to keep me going till I feel better.
Its hard, and in retrospect I usually look back and see that I had plenty of positive motivation right under my nose...Im sure Ill look back on this in a few weeks and see the same here..but for now, ..it is what it is.
It gets so dark that that I can't see...so dark that I don't want to. It's nothing that happened per se, I just look around and see all the little things that need improving, fixing, or changed in some way and they seem to stick out like sore thumbs screaming at me that I have failed by someone or another's standards.
I know how i feel is predominantly chemical but it seems that when this comes on there are always things in my environment that exacerbate it. Here are a few..
My 4 year old Juan is a little dare devil who gets scrapes, cuts and bumps on a daily basis sometimes. A few months ago he was in the hospital twice in two consecutive months getting stitches from just being a tough clumpsy kid. I explained to the school and the caseworker what happened, on both occasions, and all understood and it was a non issue...since that time I have made a few enemies at their school ( I tend to do that , most parents who hold educators to high standards at this school district, do , actually)..anyway, long story, short, Juan got a black eye from wrestling with Esequiel and the school decidedes to report it to children's services. The caseworker knows me well and knows the children well so it was dropped as soon as it began, and f course I was told that I shouldnt personalize it..lol, how can I not??
When i confront the school, of course it is a "surprise" to them and magically no one knows who called and no one knows anything about it. (which pissed me ff more than anything)
Because Juan is technically still in fostercare, I have all kinds of people to answer to, its a pain in the ass.
Our surrogacy has been put off for about a year, it might happen them or maybe not at all. Its a hard thing to take a step back from after all the emotions were right on the surface..but we dont have a choice. Circumstance in Rhea's life dictate that it cant happen right now.
Then there are the teens..
Eddie is usually a source of contention for me, I often struggle with his disability as it typically lends itself to quite a bit of childish, defiant acting out behavior, even though he's nearly 17..Im not sure he will ever really be 17 no matter what I do or not. Sometimes it feels like the more I try with Eddie, the worse he gets so I usually end up backing off feeling like Ive failed before I even start.
With Esequiel, I really got feedback, appreciation, and tangible results of hard parenting..which is also why he decides to not be mature and actually act his age and be a defiant teenager, it cuts to the bone.
I expect more from him..because he's capable of it.
Unfortunately this also means that he has the ability to crush my heart with his disrespect when those evil aliens from the planet called Puberty, temporarily steal his brain.
When Im struggling with my own depression, all these things just get amplified and sound like they are all screaming in my ear, ..so loud that I cant hear anything else
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Items needed
We are a new wild animal rescue non profit called Noah's Arc Inc. We are licensed to take in small mammals and are in need of items such as:
various sizes cages,
baby blankets,
heating pads,
stethoscopes,
syringes,
nipples,
containers for mixing formula
measuring spoons nets
If you have any of these items and have no need for them PLEASE consider recycling them with our organization so that we may do our part in preserving the wildlife in Ohio!
Spring is upon us and its also the season when young animals are orphaned and desperately need us!
various sizes cages,
baby blankets,
heating pads,
stethoscopes,
syringes,
nipples,
containers for mixing formula
measuring spoons nets
If you have any of these items and have no need for them PLEASE consider recycling them with our organization so that we may do our part in preserving the wildlife in Ohio!
Spring is upon us and its also the season when young animals are orphaned and desperately need us!
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